It's a Hard Life Being a Robot Master – Mega Man Bosses Most Worthy of Your Pity

02.23.12 6 years ago

Sometimes I feel sorry for the bosses in the Mega Man games. Most of us just think of the Robot Masters as obstacles to blow up, but here’s the thing — according to official Mega Man cannon these bosses are every bit as alive as Mega Man. When not trying to murder you, the Robot Masters all have their own jobs to attend and lives to live, and frankly a lot of them lead pretty wretched existences.
Honestly, I’m not surprised the following Robot Masters are eager to take part in a bit of planet conquering after the way the world has treated them…

This guy is a robot made of wood. That…that just wouldn’t work. When you take into account the fact that robots in the world of Mega Man feel pain just like us, this guy’s life becomes even more harrowing. He must be in a state of constant chronic agony as his flimsy wooden parts break down and his chassis rots.
Also, his only weapons are leaves. I mean, come on, that’s just cruel.
This guy was built to suck garbage into his face.
“So, I’m a janitorial robot huh? Uh, sure okay…do I get some sort of bin to throw the filth I collect in?”
“No. It goes in your face.”
“I…what?”
“IN YOUR FACE.”
Splash woman is the only female Robot Master. After years of making nothing but dozens of dude robots, Doctor Wily just decided to go ahead and put some tits on one.
I’m sure she gets plenty of attention from all guy Robot Masters, but fending off constant advances from Frog Man and Aqua Man can’t be fun. Plus it must be an awkward scene whenever one of the guybots discovers his mecha-weiner isn’t compatible with Splash Woman’s mecha-fishtail.
On top of that the poor girl doesn’t have anyone else to watch Project Roborunway with her.
I just included this guy because of his incredible set of moobs. I mean, why? Why would you create a robot with giant man teats? Dr. Wily really is evil.
So yeah, Junk Man is straight up made of garbage. Way to ensure right from the get-go that a guy’s going to have self-esteem issues. I mean, they could have danced around the issue a bit with his name — call him “Recycled Man” or “Reclaimed Materials Man”.
Nope — he’s Junk Man made of junky junky garbage.
We all like to feel special — like we offer the world something unique and worthwhile. It’s kind of hard to delude yourself like that when you’re a fire-themed Robot Master.
“I, but…you’re making another fire guy? But you said I was the best fire guy! The one to end all fire guys! Wait! What are you doing with my “#1 Fire Guy!” trophy?! You said I could keep that!”

Is there anything sadder than a full-time clown? Yes — a full-time robot clown who can’t take the make-up off ever. Never, ever, ever.
So this guy’s job is to monitor weather conditions in Antarctica. Antarctica. You know, the place where nobody lives because the weather never changes from being unbearably awful? Seems like somebody really, really wanted to get Blizzard Man out of the lab and as far away from them as possible.
Also, he has cross-country skis for feet. If I suddenly woke up with cross-country skis for feet I would immediately kill myself. If you live somewhere without snow, just trust me on this one.
Pump man works at a sewage treatment plant as the thing that treats the sewage. He is literally a walking, sentient s–t filter.
Also that pump handle on his head is a little silly, don’t you think? Yeah. That’s mainly why I feel sorry for him. I mean, that thing’s gotta really limit his hat options.
Okay, this guy’s a weird one — he has two heads, two brains, but only one consciousness. His consciousness constantly jumps back and forth from head to head, meaning he’s always disoriented and confused.
I can’t imagine that helps him search for things, which I assume is something he has to do often given his name. Imagine looking for your keys when you’re not even sure what brain you’re inhabiting. I’m surprised both his heads haven’t exploded out of frustration.
So yeah, Grenade Man is into sadomasochism. No really, it’s true — when you hurt/kill him in the game, he tells you how much he likes it.
Whatever floats your robo-boat man, but that’s gotta be a hard fetish to indulge when you’re a giant hulking battle robot. Basically Grenade Man’s lot in life is to endure unending sexual frustration, then experience a brief flash of intense joy — unnntil his life bar runs out, he blows up and Mega Man moves on to the next level.
 Sometimes even killer robots need a hug, but there will be no hugs for the stabby-handed. No hugs at all.

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