While I never heard back on the final numbers that the Jeep Wrangler in Texas sold for, I assume that the seller received at least eight figures for his trouble. But as it turns out, being an amazing online car salesman isn’t simply an American thing, because there’s a gentleman in Chelmsford, Essex, United Kingdom (northeast of London, but if you hit Colchester, you’ve gone too far) who is selling his 2000 Ford Fiesta Zetec S, and he makes a hell of a case for why you should buy it.
But you better have some serious extra coin handy, because the bids on this Fiesta have already reached $250,000 (American) and if there’s one thing I know, it’s that bidding on eBay is always serious and legit, and people never make bids they don’t intend to pay for.
Now on to the most important question of the day…
Why is this beast of a machine for sale?
I’m selling this Ford Fiesta Zetec S of mine because now I’ve grown up, I feel it’s time for me to pass on this special car to another young lad on the path to manhood. You can’t become a man until you’ve owned a proper lads car, so if you don’t buy this Zetec S you will always be spotty, you’re voice will never break properly and you will never beat your addiction to masturbation. I’m not selling this car to help myself, I’m selling this car to save teenagers across the world from themselves. So if you’re a teenager looking at making that next big step in your life, this is the car for you. If you’re a parent looking for a car on behalf of your son, this is the car for you. If you’re 35 years old still living at home and yet to be touched intimately by a woman, then this car is not for you, [awful word].
Jesus may have been able to walk on water but after buying this car you’ll be able to swim on land. You’ll be able to squeeze orange juice from banana’s and you WILL be able touch MC Hammer. Why? Because that’s the kind of thing real men do.
I’ve already read this ad five times today, but every time I read that part I start doing pushups. I’ve done 11!
An honest review of the cars less positive points:
This Ford Fiesta Zetec S is 13 years young and has bounced across 103,000 miles of road to the beat of many a black rap track. Consequently during spirited driving it has a tendency to drop a gear like its hot and the clutch will slip. (Your first test of manliness will be fixing this.)
Another point worth noting is the obvious damage to the wing mirror currently held in place by some carefully doctored duck tape and a piece of string. (Your second test of manliness will be venturing alone into the realm of “Halfords” to buy a new one)
There’s a shallow dent at the rear that some may say looks to be the mark of an unseen tree
The passenger door shouts in pain when you open it
The sheer speed of this thing has torn paint away from the wheel arches revealing some rust
It’s filthy dirty inside and out, cleanliness is for batty boys
And what about spelling and grammar, I’d ask this seller. I imagine he’d respond, “Go eat some spotted dick, you tosser.”
Comes with 4 round wheels and some petrol
The handbrake works very well in sharp corners
When you twist the light switch, the lights do come on
After reconnecting the battery the hazard lights flash for the next 2 miles you drive to remind you of how great your mechanical skills are
Driving this car will increase the quality of your sex life, significantly
In 12 months time you will have a beard, big muscles and a super fit worldie for a girlfriend because of this car
The aftermarket speaker system is perfect for enhancing your hard-man image at low speeds in built up areas
The MOT is due soon
I imagine your testicles are already swollen enough at the thought of finally becoming a man, so I’ll finish my advert simply. You are an idiot if you’re in your late teens and don’t buy this car.
You can call my manbile on [redacted] to arrange a viewing. I work manly hours during the week so you’ll probably have to text me or leave a voicemail and I will get back to you later in the evening providing I’m not sexing bare bitches.
Welcome to manhood and thanks for bidding,
Sounds like the perfect Christmas present to me.