A Beaverton, Oregon woman known only as “Suzie,” (because I can’t imagine why she wouldn’t want her likeness associated with this story) called her local news after she got done popping off her monocle and clutching her pearls when her local McDonald’s had the audacity to play Color Me Badd’s epic 1991 hit “I Wanna Sex You Up” while her children were playing.
I love this story so much that I want to take off all its clothes and disconnect the phone so that nobody knows. Ha! Remember the 90’s? Phones had cords. Anyway, because I guess it must have been a slow news day in Portland — other wise known as a “day” in Portland — you better BELIEVE that Portland’s KATU2 were ALL OVER IT.
“We went to McDonalds yesterday because it was super hot and I wanted my kids to be able to play,” Suzie said. “The kids were playing for a little bit [in the play area] and then I heard a song come on and it was singing ‘I Wanna Sex You Up.’”
Suzie said her kids didn’t know what to make of it.
“My daughter came up to me about halfway through the song, being six years old and curious, asked me what ‘sex you up’ means,” Suzie said.
Oh please, lady — your dumb kid is gonna be just fine. I was Tina Belcher’s age when that song came out, if you can even begin to freaking imagine what that was like, and I turned out to be a sexually well-adjusted adult. No, the biggest tragedy here is that Byran Abrams, the lead singer of Color Me Badd turned out to be an obese, abusive alcoholic who now needs to use a walker to get around. So, enjoy that knowledge, childhood fantasies. Although personally, the longish-haired one with the pretty eyes was always my favorite.