Oh look, the whole family came out to welcome me.
Do you wait till the last minute to buy gifts for relatives you didn’t really want to shop for in the first place? Are you certain they’re going to give you the same candles, snuggies, expired hot chocolate mixes, and other assorted junk they get you every year? Are you a bastard-coated bastard with bastard filling? If the answer to all of those questions is yes, we have the gift guide for you. Also, we can totally be friends.
For the teenager who needs to get his pants off the ground, Subs are a $20 garter belt for saggy-waisted jeans.
The $15 Wrap-a-Nap is advertized as something to help you “sleep anywhere”. Just think of the possibilities for relatives you despise:
For the relative with a douchebag kid: This “Electric Taser Prank Shock Toy with Flashlight” administers real, “harmless” electric shocks. And since it only costs $3.40 you know it must be manufactured to only the highest standards and wouldn’t harm the wee bastard at all.
For the relative who gave you a Snuggie last year and thought it was hilarious: Why not gift them a Snuggie Sutra, the book of sexual positions which can be performed while wearing a snuggie? $10 at Amazon.
How do you say, “I think you engage in autoerotic asphyxiation,” without splurging on autographed pictures of David Carradine and Michael Hutchence? You could get them the NeckPro Traction Device for $51 at — Where else? — SkyMall.
This $10 prank calculator gives the wrong answers. It can also be set to work as normal calculator, but they don’t need to know that.
For the relative you absolutely, positively have to electrocute: The Tanko PC Waterbed cools laptops. It’s also a $20 piece of plastic they fill with water then place underneath sensitive electrical equipment. And then we wait . . .
For the relative with a douchebag dog: This retractable dog leash is not in stock and may have only been a April Fools’ gag, but we can dream.
For the relative who is homophobic yet obviously gay: Give them a $4 inflatable beard. Every “family values” politician needs one of these.
For the xenophobic relative who insults every vacation you go on: The “Where I’ve Been” scratch map ($25) lets them scratch off, well, one country. But it’s the best country, we’re sure.
Here’s a perfectly normal $63 cockroach backpack. KILL IT WITH FIRE.
For the relative you hope gets tackled at airport security on the way home: This gun-shaped flash drive surely won’t cause any complications anywhere. $16 for 2GB, $19 for 4GB, $25 for 8GB at Brando.