The always-adventurous Reddit makes a strong case for never going on a first date ever again. Unfortunately, this means you’ll have to stick with your current partner forever, but hey, at least you’ll never have to meet the “toad-stepper” described below in horrific detail. I initially suspected that some of these people never wanted a second date and intentionally sabotaged their evenings, but no. Some people should never socialize with the opposite sex, especially when it comes to couples who end the evening with a law enforcement encounter.
In this installment of AskReddit, we join the following conversation: “What’s The Worst Thing That’s Happened To You On A First Date?” The answers are astounding, scarier than a haunted house, and will not result in a lovely, secret-filled family one day. Let’s do this:
Enders_Toi ruined the evening with handsy tickling that ended in disaster:
“We were walking back to my place and I was tickling her a lot but I didn’t realise she actually needed to pee really badly. When we got to my house I was fumbling with the keys trying to unlock the door and she p*ssed herself on my front porch.”
EvilRobotLuke brings us a tale from a close-knit community:
“Happened to my brother. He brought a girl home and they were talking about random stuff and she mentioned her cousin Ritchie. My brother said he had a cousin called Ritchie. Turns out it was the same Ritchie and she was our second cousin or something.”
We’re still getting warmed up with Mr. Sheikh‘s wingman tale:
“Went on a double date when I was needed as a wing man for a friend. The girl he was going to meet was really amazing and really hot … her friend not so much. We get to the restaurant the girls made a reservation at. They setup two separate tables on opposite sides of the place. Within 5 minutes of sitting down, this girl looks right into my eyes and says ‘We should have kids with each other.'”
The_Kronicle‘s experience included an awkward movie choice:
“I took my first date to go see Gone Girl. We didn’t know what it was about.”
You’ve heard of a bunny boiler, right? MicroCock presents the toad stepper:
“So we are on my front porch and she goes ‘eew, what’s that’ and points to this baseball sized toad that hangs out on my porch, this is his 2nd year it there. Anyways I explain he is cool and I knock beetles off my porch light for to eat and stuff she walks over to him, looks at me, like intense eye contact and proceeded to slowly stomp on my toad. I shouted at her ‘wtf, why’d you do that’ to which she replied ‘I wanted to make you mad so you’d F*ck me hard’ I was speechless while I processed what I had just witnessed. I told her to get the F*ck of my property, she flips out, we yell back and forth, I sprayed her with the hose and she finally leaves only to show up 20 min later topless on my deck in the back yard. She had walked from down the road and pulled like 6 pickets down from my fence to get in the back yard. Cops came, she cried her way out of trouble with them and left.”
Judg3Smails wasn’t on a first date, but may have been punished for his musical taste:
“Sh*t my pants on a 3rd date after a Poison concert…”
Anonymous_Snow met a girl who never asked permission for this:
“When I went dancing with a girl and she slid her finger along my crack. Looked into my eyes. And shoved it in.”
TheSecretsOfNothing met his date’s family and got too close to Dad:
“[She] wants me to drive so we can have some ‘fun’ driving. So shes doing things to my penis involving her mouth and all is well in the world. She tells me to go here, there, leading me to her place in between awesomeness. She even tells me to finish and then we can go again at her place. Even better right? Wrong, wrong wrong. Full blown family sit down time including her walking in and kissing her dad full on the lips after the road head. So we sat on the couch for 30 minutes talking to her parents and younger brother and her dad is just giving me a death stare. Said maybe 10 words in this 30 minute time and never stopped looking at me at which point she announces shes horny still and pulls me up from the couch. F*ck that, don’t feel like getting shot by semi-rich dad, the few words he said were ‘I love hunting and collect firearms.'”
ForUsForThem‘s story is actually a true experience for one of my relatives:
“MOVING! I couldn’t believe it either. It was a date, he picks me up, we go to his friends house and help him move. We ate Pizza! Pizza was good but wtf! I think I was tricked into moving in the form of a date! wtf!”
CzyNips‘ story had a not-too-bad ending after all… for him:
“We went to a local bar and a few of her friends were there. After hanging out with them for about an hour, her ex came in and she ended up leaving with him. One of her girlfriends said that was a sh*tty thing for her to do. I ended up going home with her friend and enjoyed some pity sex.”
This story from PMMeYourPhantasie cannot possibly be real:
“I had met this girl and she was pretty cute. She invited me over to her house and the first thing I noticed is that this is not a very good part of town. Whatever. So, I go inside and meet her family. I was standing in the doorway and looked to my left. There was a large chunk of the house that was just, dirt. Dirt, pieces of wood, just like if you built a house and put up the frame for half of it. So I sit down for dinner. It’s venison with a handful of Cheetos. We wound up f*cking in a graveyard.”
How romantic. There’s also a magnificent crying blowjob tale from JustAGuyWhoLovesCake if you desire more voyeuristic punishment.
(Via Reddit)