It’s that time of year again! With the new season of The Bachelor premiering in just a few short weeks on January 2, ABC has released the always highly anticipated contestant bios of assorted dental hygienists, flight attendants, and clever euphemisms for “unemployed.” And this year’s crop of 30 ladies that our new bachelor Nick Viall will have to choose from does not disappoint.
As it usually tends to work out for some reason, there were some noticeable trends among the contestants (see: diarrhea fears), and this time there seemed to be a “marine” theme. An astounding five women answered “dolphin” to the question “if you could be any animal which would it be and why” (one contestant even identifies herself as an “aspiring dolphin trainer”), and another four responded “Little Mermaid” (“before legs,” as one woman made sure to specify) to the same question in regards to a fictional character. Unsurprisingly, no less than a half dozen women cited Olivia Pope from Scandal as someone they either wanted to be or someone whom they admired.
There’s also uptick in women of color year’s among this year’s contestants, perhaps responding to criticisms from past seasons. Also, they found a bunch of Jasmines.
But of course, what good would Bachelor contestant bios be without digging in for the random nuggets of hilarity to found within, so without further ado here is the best of the Q&A section. And hey, we must be making progress because no one’s biggest fear is diarrhea this year! Baby steps!
First up is Alexis (aforementioned aspiring dolphin trainer), who has her priorities down straight:
What are five things you can’t live without? My family, my dog, my best friend, my fake eyelashes and whitening strips
What is your most embarrassing moment? My ex-boyfriend telling me I had a mustache at a Giants game.
Christen has really thought this question through:
If you could break any law, with no repercussions, which law, and why? I would break into the White House and spend months sleeping in a storage closet and observing what actually goes on behind closed doors.
Dominique has not just my favorite response in this season’s contestant bios, but possibly any season’s contestant bios:
Lunch with three people alive or dead, and what would you order? My grandfather, Leonardo DiCaprio and Jesus – and we’d be eating burritos from Chipotle.
(Did she mention? She really, really likes Chipotle.)
What are five things you can’t live without? My dog, my family, Chipotle burritos, music and sunshine
Perhaps a subtle dig at the hands of the producers at poor Ida Marie (why else would they possibly leave these in??):
What is your favorite all-time book and why?: I need to read more books.
Who is your favorite author?: Again, I need to read more books.
I think most men would definitely be surprised by Jaimi, to say the least:
If you wanted to really impress a man, what would you do and why? Depending on how much bigger he is than me, I could bench press him with my legs. It’s pretty exciting and surprising.
Meet Jasmine G., the “girl version of Guy Fieri”:
If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Guy Fieri. He can cook. He gets to travel and eat food from all over the country and he is hilarious! I’m the girl version.
Jasmine G. has also thought things out:
If you won the lottery, what would you do with your winnings?: First I would buy socks because I can never find them! Then buy out a sports team.
It’s no Leonardo DiCaprio with grandpa and Jesus, but Lacey also has a pretty eclectic lunch date planned out:
If you could have lunch with three people, alive or dead, who would you pick and what would you order? Shakespeare, JK Rowling, Joe Jonas; burgers and fries.
Olivia isn’t fooling anyone, the “love” thing was clearly an afterthought here.
What are you most afraid of? Spiders and not being able to find love.
Raven is unimpressed with deceased Brittany Murphy:
Who is your favorite actor and why? Brittany Murphy (when she was alive). I loved her spirit!
Unlike Olivia, Vanessa isn’t pulling any punches with her phobias:
Do you have any phobias? Sharks/bees
Now if you need me, I’m just going to be over here laughing forever at the idea of Leonardo DiCaprio showing up for what he thought was going to be an orgy with a hot chick only to realize he got duped into lunch at Chipotle with Jesus and some old guy.
(Via ABC)
