If you’ve spent any time on social media during the past three weeks (which, obviously), you’ve probably noticed that people are really horny right now. Like, really really horny. Even the people who are quarantined with a sexual partner are dealing with boredom so strong that it’s is like its own goddamn aphrodisiac. Many of us who are taking social distancing seriously — and you should absolutely be taking it seriously — aren’t getting any right now. Even people who have partners or super dope friends (whatever you want to call them) could easily have ended up in a situation that has kept them apart for weeks and will continue to keep them apart for the foreseeable future.
The answer isn’t a simple “yes” or “no.” According to the New York City Health Department, yes, you can totally still hook up. In fact, if you’ve been quarantined with a sexual partner this whole time and you haven’t been having sex… what have you been doing? No seriously, what have you been doing? We can all use new binging suggestions.
Here’s the rub (horny pun intended): according to these guidelines casual Tinder and Grindr hookups are probably a thing of the past for right now, you’re not going to meet anyone on Hinge, and the chance of a serendipitous run-in at the grocery store where you both reach for the same carton of oat milk sounds way more like a nightmare scenario than a meet-cute at the moment. But sexual contact with a partner you’re quarantined with — go at it.
If your partner is out of the house, working as a high-risk essential worker, it’s not a bad idea to take a look at the health guidelines issued by New York and Oregon. They’ll keep you safer — as weird as it sounds for adults to be told how to have sex by a government authority. (This is America damn it, we’re supposed to find out everything about sexual health from our P.E. teachers during a single week of high school!)
Let’s dive into the most useful information about how to safely have sex in the time of COVID-19, according to the New York City Health Department and the Oregon Health Authority.
At a time when Oregonians are spending more time than ever at home, we imagine you may be wondering “Is it still safe to have sex?”
— OR Health Authority (@OHAOregon) April 8, 2020
That’s right — the state of Oregon reminds us that during COVID-19, we are our own safest sex partner. “Masturbate, use toys. Take this time to find out what makes you feel good,” says Oregon, with a graphic that includes a Hitachi magic wand, a fleshlight, a pair of fingers, some lotion, and an iPhone, which is just *chef’s kiss* perfect.
The state of New York recommends, as a precautionary measure, to wash your hands and any sex toys with soap and water for at least 20 seconds before and after sex. Yes sir, Governor Cuomo! You read that right by the way, they call it “sex.” Masturbation is sex now.
Oregon’s graphic also suggests you can always “get off” while maintaining social distancing by sexting or using web chat platforms.
Or sex the people you’re quarantined with
“The next safest partner is someone you live with,” says the great state of New York. “Having close contact — including sex — with only a small circle of people helps prevent spreading COVID-19. Have sex only with consenting partners,” and suggests those who “meet your sex partners online or make a living by having sex” should “consider taking a break from in-person dates.”
Again, there is always FaceTime sex, OnlyFans, and good old sexting! Cybersex — A/S/L?
We should all know to use condoms by now, but here is a weird fact about COVID-19: the virus has not been shown to spread through semen or vaginal fluid, but it has been found in the feces of people who are infected with the virus. Condoms will help reduce your contact with feces during anal sex and saliva during oral sex. Which will keep you safer.
Still, if you’re having sex with someone who has the coronavirus… you’re probably going to need to seriously self-isolate regardless.
The Death Of Rimming
Oregon’s graphic uses the modern universal symbol for the human butt, a peach, adds a pause button and says, “Press pause. Rimming (mouth on anus) might spread COVID-19. Virus in feces may enter your mouth.”
Sorry Young Thug, eating that booty like groceries isn’t a go right now.
Practice Selective Kissing
How do you make the idea of kissing not sexy? By telling us to practice “selective kissing.” “Kissing can easily pass COVID-19. Avoid kissing anyone who is not part of your small circle of close contacts.”
It should go without saying that one of the easiest ways to spread this virus is through kissing, so be careful with who you kiss.
Don’t have sex if you aren’t feeling well
If you have COVID-19 like symptoms you should absolutely refrain from having sex. But for now, it’s probably a good idea to act with caution even if you come down with something that isn’t the coronavirus. While the most common symptoms are sore throat, high fever, and difficulty breathing, there are numerous stories of other weird symptoms that mimic other illnesses, so skip sex if you or your partner are feeling under the weather.
Social Distancing is still important!
Don’t forget about the crucial companion track to “Let’s get it on.”