A Diehard Lakers Fan’s Very Real Plea To An Unfair NBA

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As the most storied, important and profitable franchise in sports history, the Los Angeles Lakers are the pinnacle of success. And yet they have to share their well-earned revenue with other, lesser franchises. It’s time to make the NBA fair again.

As a lifelong diehard Lakers fan when they’re a playoff contender, I’m fed up. Sports isn’t about sharing. Bernie Sanders ain’t president yet. Sports is about winning. And the Lakers win. They win attendance figures, merchandise sales and oh yeah, basketball championships. So why should the Lakers have to share their winnings with the losers and small-market teams? Why should the Lakers have to put ads on their jerseys just because some podunk hillbilly in Oklahonky can’t pay his arena’s lighting bills?

Let’s start with reasons why it’s already tough enough to be a Lakers fan:

  • Everyone hates you.
  • You show up to the game in the second quarter and don’t know what the score is.
  • The refs are out to get you.
  • Stephen Baldwin has better seats than you. What is he, in a new CSI spinoff or something? Does he think he’s better than me?
  • Sometimes those clip-on plastic Lakers flags we put on (when the team is winning) don’t fit on your Mercedes right and they make a clicking noise on the window when you drive.
  • Missing a quarter of action because you’re discussing with a friend what roads you took to drive to the arena.
  • Lowly peasant bandwagon Clippers fans sharing the same arena with you, let alone the same breath you breathe.
  • Your wife left you.

Salary caps and collective-bargaining agreements restrict a venerated franchise like the Lakers from being as great as they can be. Leveling the playing field isn’t fair. Allowing the Lakers to sign all the free agents and win all the championships? Now that’s fair. All we’re asking is to be allowed to be the best.

The NBA is orchestrating a concerted effort to undermine the greatest franchise in sports history. Ever since President Obama – a noted Bulls fan most likely jealous of Phil Jackson’s Lakers years which far outshined his Bulls ones – took office, a lot of curious events have taken place. The Chris Paul trade was blocked, because his acquisition would have made us far too powerful. Justice Antonin Scalia – a legendary Lakers fan – died under suspicious circumstances, most likely as part of a conspiracy to silence his quest to crush unions like the NBPA and open up the league to powerhouse franchises with money to spend. And now Kobe Bryant is being forced into retirement, even though he is still by far the best basketball player in the world and at the top of his game. The fix is in, folks.

The Lakers generate a disproportionate amount of profit, only to be forced to share it with the other 29 garbage franchises in the league. Paying a luxury tax is unlawful and frankly borderline treasonous. Perhaps the Lakers should declare themselves sovereign citizens. Or maybe even start their own professional basketball league. Advertisements on jerseys is the last straw. The Lakers jersey is sacred. It is a work of art. Like a Picasso or a Michelangelo or a Banksy. To place a Blimpie’s ad on it is tantamount to sacrilege.

Would you put an ad on the Pope’s robes? Would you put an ad on the White House? Would you put an ad on your newborn child’s forehead?

The only way to bring true fairness back to the league is to throw away the rulebooks and let the Lakers do what they do best: Spend money. Let them sign Durant and LeBron and Steph Curry and everyone else. Let them win 10 championships in a row. Only then will the NBA be fair again.


This was satire. Sorry, we thought that was pretty obvious. Direct your hate here.