HOW TO SUBMIT: E-mail dimebag@dimemag.com with your question/story/idea and include your name and hometown.
Another week, another DimeBag. This week’s edition discusses Velcro basketball shoes, Dwight Howard‘s comments and bringing the NBA to Pittsburgh. Enjoy!
Anthony, Texas:
I was buying a new pair of basketball kicks the other day when I realized something: Who came up with such a complicated laces design? I feel like there has to be an easier way to make your shoes stay on tight. And then when the laces are too long, you step on them and you have to tuck them inside your shoe, but they keep falling out. It’s really annoying. Anyway, what are your thoughts?
Velcro. That’s my singular thought. Every shoe should be Velcro, basketball shoes included. It would simplify your life. No more long-lace tripping, lace discoloration that ruins shoe color chemistry, awkwardly flopping laces while you run, difficult decisions as to whether you want to hide your laces underneath the tounge or leave them out in the open, etc. The list goes on. Velcro streamlines the whole process. Stick your foot in the shoe, Velcro it up. One side-to-side sweep and you’re done. But no, the fashion industry divas who wear garbage cans for dresses – or whatever the coolest new look is – decided Velcro was for five-year-olds only. Screw that. (I’m currently wearing sweatpants and a white t-shirt with hot sauce from lunch on it. AND I’m in a public coffee shop. So take that, fashion devils!) Convenience/comfort should beat out “style” every time. (Alright fine, I probably should change my shirt.) But it doesn’t because some team of annoying fashionistas decided it wasn’t. I want to know who these people are. What qualifies them to choose societal clothing standards? When did this shoe convention take place? Why wasn’t I invited? If they hated the Velcro ripping sound, fine. But you’re telling me that we can literally press a few buttons and send an invisible signal with a message to someone anywhere in the world (e-mail), but they can’t stop Velcro from sounding like 1,866 Band-Aids being ripped off at once? I don’t believe it. And the worst part is that no matter how slowly you rip Velcro, the noise level doesn’t change.
That’s why I hate fashion. It makes no sense. I was wearing my nice dress shoes a few weeks back and managed to smash my foot into a chair and scuff up the right one. Luckily I was still in my house so I could somewhat repair the damage by rubbing off the mark with my thumb. As you probably guessed, that method of shoe repair is highly ineffective. So I went off with a scuffed shoe, and someone at a party later that night, who I didn’t even know, remarked that I had a huge “thing” on my shoe. Great. I had to be embarrassed. But why? Shoes are on your feet. Your feet smell and are generally vacuums of sock threads, sweat and random hairs. Then there’s the sidewalk, your apartment floor and who knows where else your shoes touch. But no – you have to keep them clean. Because if you don’t the fashionistas will smite you with their thunderbolts of stylish sweaters and gelled-hair that’s supposed to look “messy.”
Point of note: My only knowledge of the fashion industry comes from the runway scene at the end of Zoolander. That and The Devil Wears Prada. Yep, I’ve seen that movie. Twice.
Ryan, Madison:
Dwight Howard said today that he doesn’t know if he wants to leave or stay in Orlando? Am I the only one that’s liking him less and less?
Nope. Me too. Don’t get me wrong – I really do enjoy his laid back style, ferocious dunks and Shaq free throw syndrome (Definition: A malady in which a basketball player’s hands are way too big for the basketball, thus making free throws like shooting on a Koosh hoop with a little ball for normal people.) But he needs to shut up. Stop fielding questions about this. If you really don’t know, don’t say anything. But don’t throw a “my life sucks” statement out there.
“There’s more you can do in a bigger place. I’m stuck in a tough position because I feel like right now, where I’m at, I’ve done so much. And I just don’t know what else I can do. I can’t live for everybody else.” – Dwight Howard
Tough position? I only had six dollars today and had to decide whether to get a bacon, egg and cheese (with hot sauce!) plus a drink or an inexpensive regular sandwich. I bet you’ve never run into that problem, Dwight. Or how about swiping your MetroCard at the subway and realizing you only have $2.20 instead of $2.25 and having to walk 40 blocks because you don’t even have a nickel on you. (#NYCProblems. Yep, I just used a hashtag. Deal with it.) Welcome to the plight of real people. When you run into that “tough position,” let me know.
Alright fine, so those problems may not be too terrible. But hopefully my point’s been made. This is why I hate everyone on both sides of the lockout. Of course I’m still going to watch basketball because I can’t help staring at people who do everything I want to do but can’t, but I’m still pissed. Even the guys who are in the league for a year or two and never make it back, they’ve still pocketed at least a few hundred thousand dollars and become over qualified for any mediocre basketball coaching job in high school or low level college ball.
So Dwight, shut up. Remind me why I love you, not that you’re worried about pissing off a fan base because you want to make $100,000,000 in a big market instead of $80,000,000 in a smaller one.
Richie, Rhode Island:
Just wondering if you’ve gotten this question from your friends who don’t watch basketball really when they find out you know a lot about basketball. What do you think about the lockout? I’ve gotten it a bunch, and I don’t know how to answer it.
That’s the worst question ever. That’d be like me going up to a guy working in finance and saying, “Hey, what do you think of the recession?” There’s no answer except for, “It’s f*cking terrible, you idiot.” I hate that question. What do I think of it? I think it’s ruining my basketball experience because I have to talk to people like you. Although a close second was when LeBron went to Miami, and you got hit with this one: “What do you think of LeBron going to Miami?” And there’s only one answer there as well: “Honestly, I’m going to give you an answer that you couldn’t give a crap about so why should I even say anything? It’s not like you can reciprocate in any way, so just walk away please.” Only if I had actually said that. Every time I gave my two cents (which I won’t reveal here, because I know you couldn’t care less either), the person responded with an “uh huh,” or simply moved on to another topic.
The worst part about the lockout question is that people think that basketball fans have some inside information as to when it will end. I’m not Derek Fisher, Billy Hunter or David Stern. I’m not Ric Bucher or Chris Broussard. I’m a guy that writes something called the “DimeBag.” How much could I really know?
You also have to keep in mind that many times this question arises out of a need for small talk, another thing which I hate. Everyone should just carry around a sheet of paper with basic info: Name, job/school, birthplace, what they think of their job/school, and probably a few other things I’m forgetting. Ideally it would also have an electronic database of every person you know, so that you could cross reference it with their database and avoid playing that stupid game where you try and see if you know mutual people. “Really, you went to the University of Michigan (I didn’t.)? Do you know (insert name)? That’s the worst. We really need that electronic greeting card. I think it’s a great idea.
Ben, Pittsburgh:
I think Pittsburgh deserves a basketball team. We’ve done a great job with the Steelers and Penguins. We’d be the ultimate blue-collar basketball town. Watch out New Orleans.
Your dreaming is cute. Although based on Pittsburgh’s track record in other sports, they do deserve a team. I’d name them the Rims or the Beaches, simply because in basketball it’s acceptable to name your team after something your city doesn’t have or a physical part of the sport. See DimeBag Volume VII for a further explanation.
They’d also have to go out and sign guys like Keith Bogans to achieve that blue-collar effect: tough guys who have no place on the court yet have somehow been in the league for 27 years. My only objection is that we don’t need another East Coast team. Kansas City seems like a better destination for basketball, simply because of geographical considerations. Then again, they have the Chiefs. And the Royals. Nevermind. Pittsburgh it is.
There really should be qualifications outside of financial and stadium concerns when relocating a team. What’s the city’s fanhood history? Is this a geographically fair location for the rest of the country? Can we assign them a nonsensical nickname? Will star players handcuff their teams in an attempt to get traded there (If yes, that’s a good sign). Stern really should consult me on decisions like these.
That’s all for this week. Check back next Wednesday for Volume X.
HOW TO SUBMIT: E-mail dimebag@dimemag.com with your question/story/idea and include your name and hometown. If you really insist on being a sketchy anonymous Internet weirdo, I guess I can’t stop you. So at least provide some sort of name and location.
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