Welcome to Hoop Dreams, a season preview unlike any other you’ll read before the 2016-17 season tips off. The premise is simple. We’ll be providing 30 of these fictional forays because it simply stinks that only one team can win the title each year. The list of contending teams seems to shrink with each campaign, and we wanted to provide something to those fans who only get to dream of Larry O’Brien during the offseason. Before October, every team can win the NBA title. Don’t believe us? Then keep reading. – Ed
Somewhere in the University City section of Philadelphia, a group of 76ers fans with degrees in biology and bioengineering from the University of Pennsylvania read Brian Grubb’s preview for the Sixers. The following passage stuck out to them:
STEP 3 – There must be a virus. Not a lethal virus. We’re not trying to kill anyone here. But someone must create a synthetic virus that temporarily saps people of their ability to play professional basketball, kind of like the space laser the aliens used in Space Jam, but contagious and lasting for exactly one calendar year only. Then everything goes back to normal, with no long term side effects or lingering damage.
“What a great idea!” one says, and the group gets to work. The possibility of a Sixers championship leads them to put their degrees to use, sneaking into labs at UPenn at night until the virus – and, more importantly to them, the antidote – is complete. The plan to strip everyone of their talents before DMing Joel Embiid and getting the antidote into his hands is laid out, acted upon, and done.
But there is a problem that these Sixers fans did not consider. In Milwaukee, there is one man who is not impacted by this virus. Well, he’s not really a man.
Rather, he’s a freak.
While everyone’s talent rapidly deteriorates, Giannis Antetokounmpo is motoring along doing all of the things that turned him into the most intriguing talent in the NBA. Only now, he is doing it against tall people without any semblance of basketball skill. His box scores make no sense – he has at least one game with 75+ points, steals, rebounds, and blocks. He may even get 75+ assists if throwing the ball off the backboard to yourself before you dunk on fools becomes an assist-able action.
But more importantly, his ability to stay strong in the face of a hellacious virus has turned him into a psychical marvel. So while the rest of the league goes to hell, Giannis mysteriously disappears for a few weeks.
In that time, the Bucks struggle, as does every other team, but their players become aware of what they need to do to win after watching Giannis. With the team’s crazy length and athleticism – Jabari Parker, John Henson, Greg Monroe, Thon Maker, Miles Plumlee, etc. – it’s not crazy to think that the Bucks can take some games in the meantime (this is also the case even if this virus doesn’t get spread throughout the league).
But after several weeks, Giannis makes his return. With him is an antidote, made from his blood, but due to the hasty nature in which this was made, there are only 15 samples of the antidote available, all of which go to the Bucks. Meanwhile, in Philadelphia, the Sixers have just received their antidotes from the collection of UPenn students, who in an attempt to seek political asylum fled to Mozambique (even though there is nothing, as far as any of us know, in the Constitution that says “you can’t create a virus that strips NBA players of their talent in an attempt to help Philly get a ring.”)
By now, we are in approximately January. The league is in crisis – TV ratings are down, players are retiring left and right, and there is a dire need for something positive to happen. So Adam Silver proposes something drastic. Knowing that Giannis’ blood needs to be harvested and worked on by scientists, but also knowing that fans are starved for good basketball, he decides to forego the rest of the regular season and every round of the Playoffs other than the Finals.
So Silver proposes something unprecedented: a best-of-29 series between the Bucks and the Sixers. It is a traveling show, one game played in each NBA arena. It is a rousing success, because even though one team could conceivably win 15 in a row to take the series, 29 games will be played and the coronation will take place at Madison Square Garden. Plus people want to watch important basketball, and what is more important than a best-of-29 series in a battle between good (the Bucks, which by now have captivated the nation because of Giannis’ selflessness) and evil (the Sixers, which are universally loathed for being the only team to receive the antidote from the originators of the virus and, many people assume, have been in cahoots with them this whole time)?
Over the course of series, the Bucks do what they would have done during a regular 2016-17 NBA season, sans virus. They are a hyper-athletic bunch that create matchup nightmares all over the court due to their length and boundless energy. Parker finally breaks through after working off the rust from his torn ACL, the front court rotation of Plumlee, Monroe, Henson, and Mirza Teletovic overwhelms teams without as much depth at those positions, Michael Beasley shows that he’s going through a career renaissance, young dudes like Rashad Vaughn, Thon Maker, and Malcolm Brogdon progress faster than anyone anticipates, and Matthew Dellavedova does Delly Things™.
Really, if this was a normal regular season, the Bucks would be a dark horse to make some noise in the postseason for these reasons, anyway. Their length and athleticism could annoy Cleveland, Golden State, San Antonio, and the other teams that are considered favorites, plus they can throw out a variety of different looks to frustrate teams. It’s why so many NBA bloggers love the Bucks in 2016 even though they missed the postseason by 11 games last year.
But this is not a normal regular season. This is a season that has been ravaged by a virus with only two teams remaining: the 76ers and the Bucks. Behind the team’s superior talent and advantage at every position other than center – playing against lesser competition all year really helps Joel Embiid’s development, and there’s nothing that the Bucks’ front court can do to stop him – Milwaukee goes 22-7 against Philly. It’s a strangely entertaining series, especially when Ben Simmons comes back and goes against Giannis in a battle of monstrous point guards. But between the Bucks’ superior roster and the fact that every game save for the one in Philadelphia is essentially a home game with how much support Jason Kidd’s team has, Milwaukee takes home a title.
Shortly after, the UPenn graduates are extradited by the government of Mozambique to the United States. The antidote is given to everyone impacted, and suddenly, the league is back to normal. Giannis is immediately enshrined in the Hall of Fame for his contributions to the game of basketball, and he becomes the first Hall of Famer in league history to play in a game when the 2017-18 season kicks off between the Milwaukee Bucks and, obviously, the Philadelphia 76ers.
