NBA Jam is one of those rare early video games that made attributes like graphics and realism seem silly on the surface. The point was the game itself — or, more specifically, the rim-rocking, eponymous jams and the spontaneous combustion after you’d knocked down a few shots “from WAY DOWN TOWN.” It was such a delightful caricature of NBA hoops, it was able to appeal to both casual basketball fans and hardcore hoopers.
There were some issues with the game, though, most notably the lack of Michael Jordan on the Bulls because His Airness didn’t become a billionaire by letting just anyone use his likeness. But there were more than enough guest stars to make up for the absence of the G.O.A.T.
With the said, we think NBA Jam needs an update for today’s game, where superstars reign supreme and the possibilities for dream partnerships is just too fun to pass up. So we asked our various scribes to come up with their dream duos, and with the caveat being there could be no duplicates, here’s who they came up with. Let us know in the comments who among these pairs you think would take the chip.
Thunder: Russell Westbrook and Steven Adams
Most of my life’s endeavors begin with a simple question: How can I hang out with Russell Westbrook and Steven Adams at the same time, and convince them with my wit that they are friends with me, and that the three of us exist exclusively in the halo of happy vibes that I get watching both play. Sad as I am to see Kevin Durant leave the Thunder, these two still provide so much charisma and on-court chutzpah that I would not hesitate to choose any other duo for NBA Jam squad. It would be a really dumb idea to play with any other two guys.
Eschewing the three-happy ethics of the current basketball landscape, this pair would knock bodies and be super mean and aggressive and collect every rebound ever in order to beat you. Westbrook will put his knee into every frail and strong chest as he dunks over you; Adams will give you fourth-degree burns when he scrapes you with his gnarly mustache, and both would provide mugs so scary when you shoot a jumper that you wouldn’t try to shoot one again. Please do not @ me with any statistics because even though they matter IRL, they do not in my video game dream, where the immediate coolness of these dudes is all I can and will care about.
Warriors: Kevin Durant and Draymond Green
Here’s what you’re thinking: Steph Curry is coming off perhaps the most dominant offensive season of all time, one for which he was named the league’s first ever unanimous MVP, and Green is here in his stead? That consternation is understandable. Curry is indeed a more valuable player than Green in real life. As much as the impact of the latter’s unmatched two-way versatility is overlooked, so is the former’s unprecedented ability to put pressure on defenses from the time he crosses half court. Both Curry and Green are absolutely pivotal to the Warriors’ success, but one of them is the two-time reigning MVP for reason.
NBA Jam takes place in the virtual arena, though, where middling marksmen are capable of literally catching fire from beyond the arc. Green isn’t just a capable shooter, either. Golden State’s do-it-all big man developed into a legitimately good one last season, and his consistent ability to wreak havoc defensively with a strong base, quick hands, and innate instincts more than makes up for the huge gap between he and Curry when it comes to offense.
Think of it like this: The NBA Jam Warriors would be unstoppable if Curry played alongside his team’s newest superstar, but would still possess weaknesses. But employing a pair of like-sized forwards who arguably combine for the gaming world’s best defensive tandem while doubling as a devastating offensive duo? A team of Durant and Green is without flaws, literally.
Timberwolves: Andrew Wiggins and Karl-Anthony Towns
You guys may have the bigger stars, but give me the young and hungry. The two-on-two format actually highlights the complementary skill sets of Andrew Wiggins and Karl-Anthony Towns better than a five-on-five game.
Wiggins is still overflowing with pure athleticism, and with endless space to work on the court, he could let it fly without pesky guards bothering his spin move and without off-ball action to worry about defending. He can make tough one-on-one shots already, and he can dunk on most everybody. Free of the nuances that make NBA basketball go, but which he hasn’t fully mastered, Wiggins would be a force of nature.
Towns is already a force of nature, and the combination of his dominance inside and outside on offense, as well as on the ball on defense, would make him a top-10 pick if NBA Jam were to have a draft. And just like Wiggins, removing the moving pieces of a defensive scheme would only increase the impact Towns’ ludicrous shot-blocking gifts would have on a game. And think of the alley-oops these two could have!
Cavs: LeBron James and Kyrie Irving
We already know if you’re taking the Cavs in a modern-day NBA Jam, you’re going to have LeBron as one of the two players. If you’re taking any two players from the league in a modern-day NBA Jam, you’re probably going to have LeBron as one of the two players. From his versatility and playmaking ability to his ball-handling and matchup complications, James is the dream pick for an NBA Live scenario.
So who else joins him?
Well you could go with J.R. Smith for shooting alone (and sneakily decent defense), but he’s not signed and who knows if he’s even playing basketball this year. Maybe he’ll just decide to golf for the next few months. It’s J.R. We can’t force him to commit to a video game season anyway. Love’s a defensive liability, and even though the pick and roll with LeBron would be awesome, and you’d still get good shooting out of him, so that means you’re left with Bron on all the smaller guards, and I don’t like that.
Delly’s gone, so bye bye grit and hustle and floor burns and PBRs. And Tristan Thompson is so much more valuable in real life than he is in video game form. Nobody’s out here trying to grab six offensive rebounds in NBA Jam.
The answer is Kyrie Irving. Shooting, quickness, getting to the rack, oops with Bron, and a little bit of Uncle Drew wizardry is the perfect complement to James in this world. And nobody can get mad at them playing iso or dominating the ball because there’s only two people on the team, so you’re encouraged to have 50 percent of the possessions. This would be super fun.
Trail Blazers: Damian Lillard and C.J. McCollum
Having very recently geeked out on an emulator of the old arcade version of NBA Jam with a few of my friends in the basement of their house like it was sophomore year of high school or something, a couple of things immediately became clear to me: A) I was never very good at this game, and B) it’s all about shooting. All of the hysterical, high-flying, acrobatic dunks are big fun, but if you wanna win, you’re pretty much jacking threes on every possession (and plowing people over every chance you get to steal the ball from them).
So I’m going with Damian Lillard and C.J. McCollum, one of the better scoring backcourt duos in the league. Both can light it up from the outside: Lillard has evolved into a top-notch playmaker, and McCollum — the league’s Most Improved Player — can create his own shot any time he wants.
Granted, they’re undersized and both liabilities on the defensive end, but as indicated above, the “defense” in this game is about little more than shoving people around to try and knock the ball loose. I feel perfectly confident in their combined ability to run up the score on just about anyone they match up against.
Bucks: Giannis Antetokounmpo and Jabari Parker
Absurd length and athleticism for both players, and the ability to guard all five positions. Giannis can already get from the three-point line to the basket in two steps IRL — he might be able to dunk from the three-point line in NBA Jam. And assuming the Jam version of Jabari doesn’t have any lingering effects from the torn ACL, he can get hot at any time. This is a total wild-card lineup, but it would be absurdly fun to play with.
76ers: Ben Simmons and Joel Embiid
Here’s the thing: this entire exercise is, at its core, silly. NBA Jam is a video game that doesn’t favor basketball ability – the best teams are the ones with the best athletes, the best shot blockers, and the best dunkers. Oh, and if you can hit threes, you’re golden.
So I’m going completely nuts and picking Joel Embiid and Ben Simmons. Both of these dudes are gargantuan human beings who are insane athletes and have the ability to dunk on fools. Simmons can handle throwing up lobs while Embiid, who, based on every workout video we’ve seen, is essentially Superman, dunks. No one is scoring on these two, as they’re both fully capable of blocking shots. And Embiid is apparently really good at hitting threes even though he’s approximately the size of a monster truck.
I’m not even a Sixers fan, but this made me think they’re going to win 45 games and get the 4-seed this year. NBA Jam really is the greatest.
Rockets: James Harden and Ryan Anderson
NBA Jam is about catching fire and everyone hoisting threes with something beyond reckless abandon, as if everyone is Steph Curry, a Steph Curry that has just discovered Jean-Paul Sartre and Albert Camus. James Harden is no shrinking violet from the ill-advised shot either. NBA Jam would deprive him of his preferred method of accruing points, that is to say careening down the lane and craftily bumping into people and drawing fouls. But no matter, as he’ll be constantly engulfed in flames playing in the 3-Seconds-or-Less offense.
Harden’s playmaking abilities (that is to say, the button that allows you to pass the ball) will make it that much easier for his partner, who has had a rough go of it in the real world lately. Since this is NBA Jam and defense is considered bad form, I’ve chosen brand new Rocket and known tall guy who can occasionally sink six 3s in a row, Ryan Anderson. Though not nearly an elite two-man tandem when it comes to NBA Jam (or the real world), they will, like the real Rockets, play fast-paced nihilist basketball with a chip on their shoulders — always ready drag the opposing team down with them.
Clippers: Chris Paul and DeAndre Jordan
It’s hard to imagine a contemporary pair better suited for NBA Jam than Chris Paul and DeAndre Jordan. With all of the pizzazz that made the game iconic, winning really comes down to an incredibly stripped down strategic standpoint: take high percentage shots and prevent the other team from doing so.
With Paul and Jordan, there isn’t a better pick-and-roll tandem you’d want to have in a two-on-two game. Paul is historically crafty with the ball in his hands and very few point guards were better at setting up guys for lobs than he. With Jordan, there are few better finishers at the rim as he has unparalleled athleticism for a man his size. Combine their pick-and-roll chemistry with Jordan’s tenacity on the boards, Paul’s excellent mid-range game, and decent 3-point shooting, and you have what might be the most efficient offense playing by Jam rules.
On the other end, you couldn’t ask for a better rim protector than Jordan. And considering how defense in the game is predicated on being dirty, who better to have as a perimeter defender than one of the league’s sneakiest dirty players in CP3. Paul is perennially on the All-Defensive First Team, and with the ability to push guys around for steals, it’s going to make things incredibly tough for the opposition to set up their offense. And if they do get shots off, Jordan will be around to clean up any leftover mess.
Knicks: Carmelo Anthony and Kristaps Porzingis
NBA Jam is about personalities, not peccadilloes. There are a lot of things you can say about Carmelo Anthony, the real-life basketball player: he loafs sometimes on defense; he doesn’t finish well at the rim — despite being one of the rare superstars who doesn’t get the whistles all the time; he holds the ball for too long, slowing the Knicks’ offense and making it predictable. But who the hell cares when we’re talking about a two-man, full-court game. Melo can shoot with the best in the league, and — at least the cornrow tresses in the Denver version — can really sky, too. (We’d like to go ahead and tell the developers to open up three versions of Melo where you to fluctuate between the two pro Anthony’s — the Denver one who can really dunk, and the Knicks one who passes the ball on occasion — and even a Syracuse version if you end up running the table with the Knicks, which I am sure to do against my all-knuckle coworkers.)
Three Six Latvia was almost created in a lab specifically for the purpose of NBA Jam. Kristap Porzingis’ put-back dunks might break the game, and he’s got range from WAYYY DOWN TOWN. Plus, KP is over seven feet tall, so when an opponent does their crazy 1280-dunk from the mid-court line, Porzingis stands a better chance than most to snatch a jam out from under an opponent’s controller.
The Knicks aren’t winning an NBA title in real life — regardless of the fact Phil Jackson walked through that door. But in the NBA Jam version, where James Dolan is a long-suffering lounge act covering Twisted Sister songs in Schenectady, the Knicks do win it all, with these two leading the charge.
-Spencer
