Oh crap, do we have a new tradition building? First it was the NFL releasing official team emoji ahead of the start of their season, along with approved hashtags that would generate such emoji. The hashtags ranged from dry to appropriate to bizarre, and they didn’t make much of an impact on social media. Well, the NBA is now trying its hand at the official hashtag game, and the results are somehow even worse!
Very few fanbases have unified slogans or theme songs in the NBA, and the lack of a coherent theme is evident in the amount of these hashtags that are just the team name. But some teams got creative, and most of those managed to be even worse.
30. L.A. Clippers, #ItTakesEverything:: As an alternate name for a Skip Bayless hot-takes-as-debate show, it’s pretty good. As a tagline for a horror movie about a kleptomaniac demon, it’s very good. As a hashtag rallying cry for a basketball team, it seems super dark. Clippers basketball — It takes everything from you.
29. Detroit Pistons, #DetroitBasketball: Man, what a day for the Pistons’ social media manager. Your boss told you to come up with the official team hashtag, but he forgot about it until deadline time, so you only have about 30 seconds to choose. You’re so flustered that you can’t even remember the name of the team you work for! Oh well, at least you got the sport right.
28. Utah Jazz, #TakeNote: Because of the music note that’s the Jazz’s logo? Do you get it? But, like, do you get it? Because Jazz is music? You get it, right?
27. Denver Nuggets, #MileHighBasketball: At least the Nuggets worked in their city’s nickname. That improves the hashtag considerably, but they also lose points for a super long hashtag. Now when I roast the Nuggets for terrible defense, I need to conserve characters even more? My hot takery does not like to be constrained!
26. Philadelphia 76ers, #MADEinPHILA: I do not understand the capitalization here at all. Yes, Philadelphia has a lot to be proud of as a city, what with its founding fathers and all, but since when has there been any sort of manufacturing pride? You know what’s MADE in PHILA? Cheesesteaks, I guess. Maybe #CheeseSTAKEyourCLAIM would have been better.
25. Milwaukee Bucks, #OwnTheFuture: Nothing screams, “We’ve got lots of young potential but no immediate championship hopes, so get in now so you don’t get called a bandwagoner!” like this hashtag.
24. Houston Rockets, #Rockets50: When will team owners realize that fans don’t care about anniversaries of the founding of the team? Championships, yes. But much like actual birthdays, a team’s birthday really only deserves the attention of the team’s immediate family. This ain’t Facebook, what with the endless barrage of strangers’ birthday wishes — this is Twitter, dammit.
23. Brooklyn Nets, #BrooklynGrit: Brooklyn hasn’t been synonymous with grit in decades, unless this grit the team is advertising is some sort of artisanal, fermented cracker garnish. Brooklyn Grit: Crumble it on your $14 cup of soup at your block’s 24-seat restaurant without any capital letters in its name!
22. Dallas Mavericks, #MFFL: We’re pretty sure this stands for “Mavericks Fan For Life,” but honestly we could use some clarity. Who’s to say it doesn’t stand for “Mark [Cuban] Fears Falling Leaves” or “Many Foolish Farting Loonies” or “Most Friendly Faces Lie”? Honestly, it could be any one of them.
21. Sacramento Kings, #SacramentoProud: Another overly long hashtag. It bothers me more than it should that the team didn’t just shorten it to #SactoProud. Everyone would have known what you were talking about, and it’s so much more rhythmic than your stupid four-syllable name for a city.
20. Atlanta Hawks, #TrueToAtlanta: Much like the Kings’ hashtag, they forgot to mention that their city contains a basketball team. What if I want to talk about how true to Atlanta I am without generating a Hawks emoji? You’ve alienated a crucial demographic here.
19. Washington Wizards, #DCFamily: The same problem as the above two teams, only ranked higher because everyone likes family. Bradley Beal and John Wall act like family — the cousins with seething political differences who get stuck next to each other at the Thanksgiving table, only too close to grandma to really have it out like they want to. They’ve got to pretend to be nice or they’ll get the cold shoulder at Christmas time.
18. Chicago Bulls, #BullsNation: I’ve just about had it with all the teams trying to make their fanbases [blank] Nation. It’s too much, dammit! *yells at cloud*
17. Golden State Warriors, #DubNation: Only marginally better because I’ve heard more people say it and it involves a nickname. That’s a dumb emoji, though — the three goggle looks like a hand turkey.
16. Phoenix Suns, #WeArePHX: Blame We Are Marshall and Matthew McConaughey for the proliferation of the “We Are” construct that never sounds cool to anyone outside of the group saying it. NO, PENN STATE — I SAID IT NEVER SOUNDS COOL.
15. Cleveland Cavaliers, #DefendTheLand: “The Land” is an incredibly corny nickname for the Cleveland area that managed to stick just thanks to LeBron forcing it to stick — if not for his signing off, we’re looking at a bottom-five hashtag. Is there anything he can’t do? Defend his title against the Warriors, probably!
And now we go on the run of dry team names that are in the “Sure, fine” category.
14. New Orleans Pelicans, #Pelicans
13. New York Knicks, #Knicks
12. Indiana Pacers, #GoPacers
11. Boston Celtics, #Celtics
https://twitter.com/Ethan_Booker/status/790594855336632320
10. San Antonio Spurs, #GoSpursGo: That second “go”? That’s a classy-ass “go”. That “go” is the mark of a well-run organization.
9. Orlando Magic, #LetsGoMagic: When will Twitter allow punctuation in hashtags? When will we be free of this apostrophe-less purgatory? Also, this is a severely missed opportunity. If ever a team could make the “We Are” construct work for them, it’s the Magic. “We Are Magic” — so cool.
8. Memphis Grizzlies, #GrindCity: Good evocation of the team’s well-known and beloved aesthetic, but why didn’t they just go all the way and do #GritnGrind? This bothers me.
7. Charlotte Hornets, #BuzzCity: Say what you will about the Hornets, but there’s a buzz around this team this season. They’ve got all the fans buzzing. “Hornets” is becoming a real buzzword around town.
6. Oklahoma City Thunder, #ThunderUp: It’s a pretty well-known phrase around the team, and it does roll off the tongue quite nicely. Still, no one has explained to me how one thunders up. Does that mean the Thunder gets louder?
5. Miami Heat, #HEATIsOn: Yep, pretty solid. Although it does shine an uncomfortably bright light on the fact that the Heat are a team with a singular, rather than a plural name. The Thunder and Magic sidestep it with their hashtag, but man — every time you talk about what the Heat does (do?), it scratches at your brain. Do you call the Heat “them”? I have lost sleep over this.
4. Los Angeles Lakers, #LakeShow: The strong, logical choice.
3. Portland Trail Blazers, #RipCity: Same as above, only a cooler nickname and it doesn’t involve the Lakers.
2. Minnesota Timberwolves, #PowerOfThePack: Sue me, but I love this hashtag the same way I loved the Buccaneers’ terrible #SiegeTheDay. It sounds like a battery commercial, it’s a step removed from their name and the logical continuation of it — should be #Wolfpack — and it’s super long. It’s dumb, and I want to use it all the time.
1. Toronto Raptors, #WeTheNorth: The original team hashtag. Still strong.
