Welcome to Hoop Dreams, a season preview unlike any other you’ll read before the 2016-17 season tips off. The premise is simple. We’ll be providing 30 of these fictional forays because it simply stinks that only one team can win the title each year. The list of contending teams seems to shrink with each campaign, and we wanted to provide something to those fans who only get to dream of Larry O’Brien during the offseason. Before October, every team can win the NBA title. Don’t believe us? Then keep reading. – Ed
It’s late June of 2017 and Lance Stephenson is sitting in a hot tub filled with gumbo. Accompanying him in the tub are a trio of Bourbon Street strippers — all blond Asians with unusually large hands (like most men of voracious appetites, Lance has a type) — and the Larry O’Brien Trophy. Just a few hours earlier, the New Orleans Pelicans beat the Cavs in game 7 of the NBA finals when Lance drained a wild, double-pump three from thirty feet at the buzzer, rather than passing the ball to two teammates who were wide open at the time. Whatever, the shot went down, and that’s all that matters. Lance will never pay for a heavily sugared hangover bomb of a drink in this town ever again.
Few people thought this was possible. After all, the team lost defensive stalwarts Ryan Anderson and Eric Gordon to free agency in the offseason. Tim Frazier was the team’s starting point guard on opening night. Tyreke Evans and Jrue Holiday were expected to miss the first few months of the season. The team looked terrible in preseason action. The future did not look very bright for the Pels. But they somehow pulled off a miracle. Here are five reasons why:
1. Backup center Alexis Ajinca finally got a nickname worthy of his French heritage — “the Big Croissant” — and it inspired him to take his gangly, hilariously awkward game to the next level. Ajinca’s new nickname also inspired him to take his trash-talking game to another level, whispering French-y things into the ears of opponents like, “La quiche de votre femme est humide et délicieux.” (Translation: “Your wife’s quiche is moist and delicious.”) Never underestimate how ruffled a man can get when hearing another man talk about his wife’s *quiche.*
2. For years prior to this season Omer Asik’s offensive game has never come close to resembling that of a man who gets paid millions to do one thing: play basketball. Conversely, Asik on the offensive end has often looked like a man who first picked up a basketball only hours prior to a game. But by some shocking twist of fate Asik actually developed a simple hook shot during the offseason and transformed himself into someone other teams could simply not leave alone on the offensive end because he lacked the ability to do basic offensive basketball things. For instance, Asik also finally learned how to catch the ball under the basket and go up immediately to dunk it with authority, something he seemed wholly incapable of during his first few seasons in New Orleans, often fumbling the ball away with his giant hands of stone.
3. Rookie shooting guard Buddy Hield introduced the team to conch, the national dish of his home country, The Bahamas. Apparently, the under-appreciated sea snail has some sort of mysterious healing power that helped the perpetually injury-riddled Pels sustain a healthy roster throughout an entire season. The training staff now feeds the team a steady diet of conch, specifically conch cerviche and empanadas. There’s a rumor floating around that Lance Stevenson likes to mix conch into his scrambled eggs, which makes perfect sense and is just so Lance it hurts.
4. Free agent signing Solomon Hill blossomed into one of the league’s best defensive players, on par with the likes of Kawhi Leonard. He also earned the nickname “Junk Man” due to his mild resemblance to Lamont Sanford from Sanford and Son and his willingness to do dirty work on the court. Hill got so into his role that he was often seen assisting New Orleans-area garbage collectors on the Pelicans’ off days. He became something of a folk hero around town, with hipster girls even sporting t-shirts that read, “Solomon Hill Picks Up My Garbage.”
5. Some dude named Anthony Davis averaged 34 points, 14 rebounds and 7 blocks per game and was healthy the entire season for the first time in his career, thanks to Buddy Hield’s conch. Go figure. Life comes at you fast and strange.
And this is how the Pelicans won the title. Yep, this totally happened and they totally did win the title and they did not go 30-52 this season. Trust us on that.
