The ‘Fifty Shades’ Movie Won’t Include The Tampon Scene, But Here It Is

As you may have heard, one of the most memorable scenes in the Fifty Shades Of Grey book – which I will keep reminding everyone was originally written as Twilight fan fiction under the pen name Snowqueens Icedragon – was when wealthy industrialist Christian Grey pulled out sheltered Anastasia Steele’s tampon and lobbed it out the window like a grenade so they could bang more. (Okay, the grenade part was an exaggeration). It sounds weird, but hey, let he who has never had to put a towel down throw the first tampon.

The tampon thing, obviously, makes a much better press tour question than, say, “So this Christian Grey guy: he wears grey suits with grey ties, lives in a grey building with a grey helicopter and dates a girl named ‘Steele.’ He must really like grey, huh?” Thus, director Sam Taylor-Johnson has had to field more than her fair share of tampon questions:

One of the most infamous passages in James’ book, a much-talked-about-tampon scene, was never shot for the movie version. “It was never even discussed,” says director Sam Taylor-Johnson.

[Kelly] Marcel’s initial pass featured more sex, but it was toned down through two rewrites. “on the early draft, there was a sense there was way too much sex,” Taylor-Johnson says. “The story, of course, is of equal importance. We tried to balance the narrative correctly, so one doesn’t feel like it’s drowning in the other.” She made sure that each of the love scenes felt distinct — like a new character. “It’s the buildup that’s interesting,” the director says. “I feel that in movies, the minute there’s penetration, it’s all over.” [Variety]

In movies? That’s how it works in real life too, isn’t it? …Guys? …Dangit, I knew I was doing something wrong.

Meanwhile, Pajiba tracked down full text of the original book passage, just to give you a taste of what we’re dealing with here:

His breathing is ragged, matching mine.

“When did you start your period, Anastasia?” he asks out of the blue, gazing down at me.

“Err… yesterday,” I mumble in my highly aroused state.

“Good.” He releases me and turns me around.

“Hold on to the sink,” he orders and pulls my hips back again, like he did in the playroom, so I’m bending down.

He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string… what! And… a gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet. Holy f*ck. Sweet mother of all… Jeez. And then he’s inside me… ah! Skin against skin… moving slowly at first… easily, testing me, pushing me… oh my. I grip on to the sink, panting, forcing myself back on him, feeling him inside me. Oh the sweet agony… his hands clasp my hips. He sets a punishing rhythm – in, out, and he reaches around and finds my clitoris, massaging me… oh jeez. I can feel myself quicken.

“That’s right, baby,” he rasps as he grinds into me, angling his hips, and it’s enough to send me flying, flying high.

Whoa… and I come, loudly, gripping for dear life onto the sink as I spiral down through my orgasm, everything spinning and clenching at once. He follows, clasping me tightly, his front on my back as he climaxes and calls my name like it’s a litany or a prayer.

“Oh, Ana!” His breathing is ragged in my ear, in perfect synergy with mine. “Oh, baby, will I ever get enough of you?” he whispers.

Will it always be like this? So overwhelming, so all-consuming, so bewildering and beguiling. I wanted to talk, but now I’m […]

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by anything that started out as Twilight fan fiction, but did anyone else expect this erotic best seller to have… I don’t know… fewer uses of the phrase “Oh jeez?” The fact that the nation’s women are this entranced by a book highlighted by passages about “his front on my back” should really take the pressure off that first Tinder message. “Hey. So like, are you on your period or something?”

“I can’t get enough of you, baby.” Seriously?  The mythical Christian Grey is as articulate as a Smash Mouth cover.

As we’ve noted before, the scene may not show up in the movie, but there is a fan-made animated version. Here, this should slake your thirst for sweaty tampon action:


Fifty Shades of Grey, starring Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson, opens on Valentine’s Day. Hey now, you’re an all star, get your tampon, go, plaaaaay….

Oh great, now I’m imagining Smash Mouth’s Steve Harwell singing into a tampon. I’ve brought this on myself.