Social media is dark and full of terrors spoilers. To avoid spoiling the fun for fans on the west coast and those who have to wait to beg, borrow, or steal an HBO Go password, this season I”m confining my stream-of-consciousness thoughts to this liveblog. Follow along or flee in fear. Here there be spoilers! Catch up on Episode Two, 'Home,' over here.
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[8:55 PM EDT] – I should've gotten hazard pay for even having to watch the last five minutes of The Fantastic Four.
[9:02 PM EDT] – No one cares about anything but the Tower of Joy. Move it along, “Previously On.” WAIT. We're getting more Sam? Are we going to Oldtown too!?!?
[9:06PM EDT] – Jon Snow is confused, naked, full of bloody holes, and cold. That'd be enough to cause anyone to panic, without the “back from the dead” part. No no. No one cares if you remember that Olly is an asshole. WHAT DO YOU REMEMBER ABOUT THE AFTERLIFE?
[8:09PM EDT] – “So, being dead and then not dead is completely bonkers. Anyway, that was weird. Let's go deal with some traitors.” Davos is my favorite person, y'all.
[8:12PM EDT] – From the peanut gallery that is my husband: “Of course Sam is seasick.”
[8:13PM EDT] – OLDTOWN AND THE TOWER OR JOY?!?! HBO HAS BEEN READING MY DIARY. …wait. We're pit stopping in Horn Hill to drop off Gilly and meet Sam's awful father? With last week's track record, it better be for Sam to kill him.
[9:16PM EDT] – Everyone shut up. The Tower of Joy is about to DO THE THING.
[9:18PM EDT] – Sidenote: Howland Reed isn't short enough. Okay, back to SHUTTING UP while the thing happens!!
[9:20PM EDT] – “That's enough for one night.” THE HELL IT IS. You let us see Lyanna Stark in a bed of blood with blue roses in her hands or so help me GODS.
[9:22PM EDT] – I don't care about Dany and her trek to the Khal Widow's Association. Take us back to the past, Max von Sydow!
[9:26PM EDT] – Oh good. All the tribes are here to decide what to do with Dany. AKA, be snacks for Drogon. Nice of them to group up like that.
[9:29 PM EDT] – Varys is very, very good at his job. I wonder how many of his Little Birds are the orphans of people who didn't take the deal.
[9:34PM EDT] – Qyburn bein nice to children is giving me the heebie jeebies. Ser Gregor is finally named, but still won't take off the helmet. I want to see Zombie Clegane!
[9:38PM EDT] – Oh Ser Kevan. You are your brother's…brother. Watching the Queen of Thorns and Kevan Lannister walk away from Cersei was delicious.
[9:40PM EDT] – Hold it together, Tommen. Don't cry in front of the High Septon. But DO kill him.
[9:43PM EDT] – That theory that the Hound is one of the Faceless Men is really starting to look like it might be true.
[9:45PM EDT] – Really missing the lack of direwolves and warging in this show. Maybe Sansa will team up with Nymeria to kill the Freys and Arya will dream of them? That'd be a sweet but weird family moment.
[9:48PM EDT] – Against my will, I find myself liking Lord Umber. He is refreshingly blunt.
[9:49PM EDT] – Rickon? OH MY GOD! NoooOOooooOOO. Shaggywolf, noOOOOoooOO please let that be a fake. I swear to God, that better be a fake. My hEART!
[9:50PM EDT] – When I said I wanted more direwolves, this isn't what I meant HBO!!!
[9:54PM EDT] – Jon is still his father's son…or his mother's son.
[9:55PM EDT] – Being Westeros Jesus is definitely ONE way to get out those pesky life-long vows. Time to avenge his family, save his sister, save his baby brother, kill all the Freys, and kick the Boltons out of Winterfell. MY BODY IS READY.
See you guys next week!