(Pete makes one last check of his four different fantasy rosters, opens a cold beer and eases into his worn barcalounger. This is the happiest moment of his life.)
PETE FOOTBALLFAN: Ahh, time to settle down with my favorite sport… the game of American football.
INTERNET HERO: (bursts through wall) You shouldn’t like this. It’s problematic.
PETE FOOTBALLFAN: Dude, my wall.
INTERNET HERO: Football is a brutal sport that encourages violence on and off the field.
PETE FOOTBALLFAN: But I like it.
INTERNET HERO: The league doesn’t take care of its veterans’ health costs.
PETE FOOTBALLFAN: Well, that is unfortunate, but it seems unrelated to–
INTERNET HERO: What about when they shove the military-industrial complex down your throat every week, troops on the field, camo jerseys, players waving American flags?
PETE FOOTBALLFAN: I don’t really watch the pre-game stuff much.
INTERNET HERO: Young men ruining their futures colliding into each other at high speeds.
PETE FOOTBALLFAN: I mean, it’s not like the Army in the ’40s. They’re not being forced to play. There isn’t a draft–
INTERNET HERO: Yes there is.
PETE FOOTBALLFAN: Dammit.
INTERNET HERO: Some players are punished for minor offenses for as long as other players are for major offenses.
PETE FOOTBALLFAN: That’s really more of an administrative issue.
INTERNET HERO: One guy killed dogs.
PETE FOOTBALLFAN: Didn’t another guy kill people?
INTERNET HERO: Yeah, but doggies.
PETE FOOTBALLFAN: Look, I really just wanna watch this game.
INTERNET HERO: Being played in a stadium funded by taxpayers like you and I.
PETE FOOTBALLFAN: Well, that’s really more of a political issue.
INTERNET HERO: The stadiums use GMOs in their food.
PETE FOOTBALLFAN: Look…
INTERNET HERO: One of the teams has a racist nickname.
PETE FOOTBALLFAN: I know, I’m not a fan of that team.
INTERNET HERO: Racist.
PETE FOOTBALLFAN: What? I just said I’m not a fa—
INTERNET HERO: Cheerleaders are paid minimum wage, female fans can’t bring purses into the stadium, victims of abuse by league employees are swept under the table.
PETE FOOTBALLFAN: Well, that does suck. They could make a more concerted effort to–
INTERNET HERO: If you watch this game, you are essentially an accomplice to all the violent sex offenders, murderers, alcoholics, child-beaters, wife-beaters, dog-beaters, racists, rapists, bigamists, atheists and foot fetishists who play the game. It’s basically like you committed all those crimes yourself.
PETE FOOTBALLFAN: Don’t athletes in other sports commit crimes, too?
INTERNET HERO: This isn’t about them. This is about you and how you’re a bad person. I don’t watch football and therefore that makes me a better human being.
PETE FOOTBALLFAN: (craning neck around Hero) Look, they just kicked off. Can you–
INTERNET HERO: I want you to read this listicle I wrote. And also these three longforms.
PETE FOOTBALLFAN: I just wanna watch football.
INTERNET HERO: You make me wanna throw up.
PETE FOOTBALLFAN: Are you gonna fix my wall?
INTERNET HERO: Gotta go.
SUSAN FOOTBALLFAN: Pete, I’m leaving you for that brave Internet Hero.
PETE FOOTBALLFAN: (turns directly to camera, single tear) My wife left me.
