These Lana Lines From ‘Archer’ Are As Smooth As A Veal Cutlet

Lana Kane is so much more than Sterling Archer’s on-again/off-again lover. She’s one of the top field agents in the International Secret Intelligence Service, and someone that is known equally for her brash and cutting wit, her cunning in the field, and her incredibly strong hands. And because of all of that, and the use of the Aisha Tyler voiced character to deliver some of Archer‘s best lines, we wanted to celebrate Lana’s most quotable moments.

“I am literally wet with jealousy.”

When Lana and Cheryl discuss their reasons for why they work at ISIS, Cheryl laments she has to split a billion dollar inheritance with her brother, Cyril. Lana replies as expected.

“Anxious? About a half-drunk first timer driving a submarine idiot taking me to the bottom of the ocean to face 40 eco-terrorists led by a crazy person who’s about to bomb the east coast with nerve gas?”

As a less-than-sober Sterling (as if there’s any other) pilots a submarine taking them to an underwater sea lab, Lana isn’t vague about her concerns.

“Uhhh, with your looks, maybe bitchy is not the way to go.”

Trish is a character voiced by Brett Butler who seems as though she’s only there to be ridiculed by the main characters. Lana is no exception, though there’s some hint of advice hidden deep within her scorn.

“Have you ever heard a country song?”

Sterling’s complete ignorance of country music, like most of his characteristics, is a thorn in Lana’s side. Trying to call him out on it only ends up frustrating her further.

“Your words made sense. Your sarcastic tone did not.”

With a Cuban hit squad out to kill Sterling — who’s already tense when he finds out his childhood hero, Burt Reynolds, is dating his mother — he surprisingly scoffs at Lana’s suggestion that they wait it out in the safe house. She handles it with her usual gusto.

“Shut your d*ckholes, get your gear, shut up again, and start walking.”

Finding themselves in the jungles of Columbia outside the hideout of El Contador, Lana doesn’t shy away from taking charge of the situation after Sterling and Cyril start bickering back and forth almost immediately.

“Animal Farm is a BOOK!”

Arguing the subtext of one of George Orwell’s best-known works while in space, Sterling seems to be perpetually unable to grasp the context of the conversation. Lana does her best to clarify it, but his response, as usual, pisses her off even more.

“I don’t need a baby to validate my existence.”

After Sterling’s favorite call girl, Trinette, shows up with a baby, a paternity test is in short order. Lana, meanwhile, staunchly declares her independence.

“My vulva is smoother than a veal cutlet!”

While a bomb scare threatens the maiden voyage of the luxury vessel Excelsior, Sterling takes aim at Lana, who proudly defends her honor and the spectacularness of her business.


Finally, the moment you all came here for.