Although it’s ratings aren’t as high as Jonathan Silverman’s short-lived sitcom The Single Guy back in 1995, The Walking Dead is still the most watched scripted program on television these days. The popularity of The Walking Dead apparently has something to do with our collective cultural dissatisfaction during and economic upheaval, although personally, I just like to see zombies squashed.
Zombies have also been trendy for years now, and there’s plenty of books, articles, and other information available on how to survive a zombie apocalypse, should one overrun the planet. But today, we’re more interested in where not be to during an apocalypse. If you’re choosing a destination to relocate to, or a place to visit during your next vacation, you should immediately cross the ten cities below off your list if you have Kinemortophobia (the fear of zombies).
Øksfjord, Norway (Dead Snow) — The administrative center of the municipality of Loppa in Finnmark county, Norway, Øksfjord was once an important fishing village, but now it’s kind of a deserted no-man’s land (population 499) with nothing to do except suffer through bitter, miserable winters. A place like that — practically abandoned by civilization — has to be a great place to hide out during a zombie apocalypse, right? Wrong! Two words: Nazi Zombies.
Central London (28 Days Later) — London is home to a great many pubs, a fantastic zoo, and great theater scene, and centuries of history, and despite the high real-estate prices, a would-be fantastic city to live in if you can handle the gloomy weather. Unfortunately, it’s not a place you want to be during the zombie apocalypse, because not only do you have to deal with zombies, if you’re a woman lucky enough to survive, the military will rape you in an effort to continue the species, while the rest of the world will just completely ignore you, isolated as you are by water. In other words, you’re f**ked.
Luling, Texas (Planet Terror) — A small town in rural Texas, Luling is home to to Watermelon Thump during the summer, and a scarecrow contest during October. It’s also home to a sweet little strip club on the outskirts of town, and there’s lots of guns in Luling. Unfortunately, there’s not a lot of people to help stave off a zombie invasion, so you’re likely to be quickly outnumbered. However, one of the local go-go dancers is surprising adept with a machine-gun prosthetic.
Wellington, New Zealand (Braindead) — Named by Lonely Planet as the “coolest little capital in the world,” Wellington is the political center of New Zealand and, according to one publication, the city with the 11th best quality of life in the world. Unfortunately, their zombies are wicked. Unlike most zombies, which you can at least immobilize by removing their legs, if you rip open a Wellington zombie, it’s intestines or spinal cords will attack you, and certain zombies in this area have been known to grow to gargantuan sizes and ENGULF PEOPLE IN THEIR WOMBS. On the plus side, the city does remind us of what a twisted guy Peter Jackson really is. On the minus side, the Baby Zombies in Wellington are menacing.
The Corners of Union Pacific Avenue and South Calzona Street in East Los Angeles (Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”) — You know what? I don’t even know what this is doing on this list. If you have to go down, there’s no better way than to go down DANCING.
Roarton, England (In the Flesh) — I suppose the nice thing about living in this rural, otherwise idyllic town in the British countryside is that they’ve found a cure for the zombie virus, and have managed to reacclimatize the half-dead the former zombies back into society. Unfortunately, Roarton is also home to a lot of zombie racism, and just because you survive the zombie apocalypse doesn’t mean you can survive the prejudices of the narrow-minded citizenry.
Pacific Playland, Hollywood (Zombieland) — I know you’re thinking, wow! Hollywood would be an amazing place to live, surrounded by all of those celebrities! It’s also near the ocean. But come on: Half the famous people will be the first to go because they are dumb, and half will be locked away in their compounds, and their bodyguards will shoot anyone that approaches. And sure, Pacific Playland would seem like a great adventure park to visit, but have you ever been there during a zombie apocalypse? You think regular zombies are terrifying? Wait until you see meet clown zombies.
Crouch End (Shaun of the Dead) — It seems like a lovely North London suburb at first glance, with plenty of green spaces, and a vibrant community of actors, writers, comedians and musicians — not to mention a great bar scene — but unfortunately, the bar scene can be a double-edged sword. It’s hard to fight off a zombie war when you’re sh*tfaced. On the bright side, the hipster community has a lot of vinyl records, which makes for a surprisingly great weapon.
Jerusalem (World War Z) — Oh sure, Jerusalem is the holiest city in the world, a city full of fascinating historic and archeological sites, and it has 70 names of love and yearning. Yes, the Old City — which is surrounded by walls — may seem like a great place to hunker down during a zombie apocalypse, but when the zombies form their own wall to climb over the Old City’s wall and throw themselves off of it, those walls are going to be counterproductive. Now you’re trapped, and there’s nowhere left to go except into the sweet embrace of zombie death.
Senoia, Georgia — This is the location of the West Georgia prison, and you’d think that a prison would offer plenty of protection from the zombie apocalypse. But, if the zombies don’t overrun the fence, or the one-eyed villains don’t unleash zombies on the grounds, you still have to deal with lethal flu viruses. And here, everyone is a zombie-in-waiting: It doesn’t matter if you are bitten or not, if you die, you are a zombie, which poses all kinds of novel threats. Plus, do you really want to live in a city where one of the leaders is a 14-year-old kid with a bad haircut, bad decision making skills, and a temper? If you ever find yourself in Senoia, Georgia during a zombie apocalypse, get the hell out. You’re better off in Pacific Playland.
Monroeville, Pennsylvania — This lovely little suburb of Pittsburgh, where Andy Dick grew up, is home of the gigantic Monroeville Mall, which has 1,418,700 square feet of leaseable retail space decorated with fountains and plant life that flourish under enormous skylights! Unfortunately, despite the fact that the Monroeville Mall has practically everything you’d need during a zombie apocalypse, it’s not as safe you might think. These closed-in areas are great, until they’re overrun, and then there’s no place left to go, and do you really want to die in a Hot Topic? What a pathetic way to go.
