Roger Smith of American Dad may be the most brutally honest character on television. He has essentially no filter, saying whatever viciously cruel things pop into his head. Let’s pay tribute to Roger’s glorious rudeness by looking at 15 of his nastiest insults ever.
1. “I can envision millions of Americans rising up as one and demanding legislation that would require your legs to be amputated, burned, and buried next to Hitler. in short, you suck!”
-From “Frannie 911,” severely insulting Steve’s dancing skills. Note: this is the episode in which Francine tries to make Roger a better person, but it turns out Roger actually needs to insult people in order to live. It’s the quintessential Roger episode.
2. “I hate you. I say that not out of anger but simply as a fact. It’s 67 degrees outside, and I hate you.”
-From “Great Space Roaster,” Roger telling Klaus why he won’t let him participate in his birthday route.
3. “This guy’s a douche with a capital bag!”
From “The One That Got Away,” when Roger notices that his alter-ego Sydney Huffman has a book called How Do You Do: A Gentleman’s Guide To Manners
4. “Steve, before she tells you your future, let me tell you her past: forty years of alcoholism and three doctorless abortions.”
-From “Dope And Faith,” as Steve is about to visit a carnival psychic
5. “Stan has no friends! And he didn’t even realize! He’s like America: The Guy!”
-From “Dope & Faith,” when Stan wants to call a friend, and has little black book is covered in dust. This was another great episode for Roger insults, landing two in the top 5.
6. “God, that’s awful! Francine, Courteney Cox played a chef on Friends. Your cooking is as bad as her acting!”
From “My Morning Straitjacket,” giving Francine’s latest meal some rather harsh words.
7. “You can’t be a pet unless someone loves you.”
-From “Stan’s Best Friend,” when Klaus thinks he could be the family’s pet. If you couldn’t tell, Roger really has it in for Klaus.
8. “When someone starts a sentence with ‘what delivering pizzas has taught me,’ that’s pretty much your cue to tune out.”
-From “It’s Good To Be Queen,” when Steve thinks the Mitch, the pizza delivery guy is Jesus, and Roger is skeptical. He would eventually come around, though.
9. “It’s like Harry Potter, except it causes genocide and bad folk music!”
-From “Rapture’s Delight,” Roger giving his brutally honest take on Christianity. For all of Brian Griffin’s atheist posturing, he was never this hard on religion.
10. “Well screw you, I’m Kevin Bacon!”
-From “Four Little Words.” This is the only appropriate response to give when someone tells you they’re an ethicist.
11. “I’d even settle for a mother killer without Edward James Olmos cheeks.”
-From “The People Vs. Martin Sugar,” Roger’s insult to the matricidal convict he’s sitting with on the bus ride to prison. It makes the bus driver laugh so hard that he crashes the bus, and Roger breaks free. Unfortunately, he than laughs so hard at his own joke that he crashes his car just where the prison bus crashed, and has to escape all over again.
12. “Ah, Steve. Your first grope-fest. You won’t truly appreciate the awkwardness of this moment until you’re fondly reminiscing as a 35-year-old homosexual.”
-From “Failure Is Not A Factory Installed Option,” when Steve turns the backyard into a drive-in theater because of all cars Stan has been tricked into buying are all over the yard, which leads a bunch of girls to think Steve and his friends actually have cars.
13. “Wow, Hayley, your cheek’s pregnant. Who’s the father? Touching your face all day with your greasy hands?”
-From “1600 Candles,” when Hayley has a large pimple on her face, and Roger has no interest in comforting her about it.
14. “I wish Francine would buy me something other than Coppola wine. Tastes like beard hair and Sofia sweat.”
-From “Tears Of A Clooney,” Roger is an unusually harsh wine critic.
15. “I even watched that Meg Ryan movie where she played a burn victim.” (Steve tells him that Meg Ryan never played a burn victim) “Oh, Meg, honey….”
-From “Stan Knows Best,” Roger offering an accidental — but still pretty brutal — slam on Meg Ryan.