The year is 1988. Christina Applegate is starring as Kelly Bundy on the hit FOX show Married… With Children. In a effort to raise both her profile and that of the show, a photoshoot has been scheduled that will play up her sexy, bad girl image. Her manager walks into the photographer’s office to discuss the details. After exchanging pleasantries, the two get down to brass tacks.
PHOTOGRAPHER: … so what are you thinking for wardrobe?
MANAGER: I want her to look hot. Real hot. Like, maybe a black miniskirt and a white bustier. That look is very sexy nowadays. You know, in 1988.
PHOTOGRAPHER: So it’s a sexy shoot?
MANAGER: Yeah, but we also want her to look tough, like a biker chick. But not one of those fat, gross biker chicks with a tattoo of a rose on her boob. A hot, young biker chick.
PHOTOGRAPHER: Hmmm. We could give her some knee-high leather F-ck Me boots and a leather jacket?
MANAGER: Yeah, but won’t the jacket cover up the bustier?
PHOTOGRAPHER: Good point. Let’s switch to a vest, and just have it all dangling off her shoulder like she has no idea how outerwear is supposed to work.
MANAGER: Perfect. The we can sit her in an uncomfortable/sexy position in that director’s chair to get the maximum amount of exposed skin.
PHOTOGRAPHER: Of course. What about the hair? Big, right?
MANAGER: Huge. HUGE. So huge we’ll have to do it in the studio because she wouldn’t fit through the door. I’m talking about so much AquaNet that if somebody out in Glendale lights a cigarette it’ll turn everything from here to Malibu into a crater. Her hair should be so teased out and crispy that the guys from Poison would consider it in poor taste.
PHOTOGRAPHER: Done.
MANAGER: Great. What other kind of stuff do you got in this studio?
PHOTOGRAPHER: What do you mean? Like props?
MANAGER: Yeah, something dangerous. Really turn up the juice, you know? Make her a STAR.
PHOTOGRAPHER: Well, we could put her on a motorcycle… Is that what you mean?
MANAGER: Nonono. Motorcycles have been done. I mean really badass. Like a snake.
PHOTOGRAPHER: A snake?
MANAGER: Yeah, a big one. Crawling up her leg all sexy-like
PHOTOGRAPHER: I suppose we can do th-
MANAGER: AND A FALCON, TOO.
PHOTOGRAPHER: What?
MANAGER: Yeah, a falcon just sitting on her arm like “Yo, sup? F-ck off, I’m a falcon.” Have it look dead into the camera, too. The kids’ll go crazy for that. Definitely.
PHOTOGRAPHER: So, wait. Let me make sure we’re both on the same page. You want me to take a 17-year-old girl, dress her up like “a sexy biker,” tease her hair out to the moon, and have her lounge seductively in a director’s chair with a falcon on her arm and a live snake crawling up her leg?
MANAGER: Yup.
PHOTOGRAPHER: Sounds great. This is amazing cocaine by the way.
MANAGER: It really is.
