Last week, on Top Chef: Stephanie won and Patty is gone. Don’t cry for her, she wasn’t very good.
This week, on Top Chef: The chefstestants are making their own hot sauce and breaking down a 300 lb. pig. Hot sauce and porcine butchery? This is the episode I was born to watch. What follows are the random thoughts that came to mind last night as I watched the show.
-Dr. John is in the Top Chef kitchen. That’s back-to-back weeks with legendary New Orleans musicians. Hopefully he doesn’t make anyone microwave tofu like the last one.
-Everyone has to make Dr. John’s favorite condiment, hot sauce. Man, Dr. John is so cool he’s barely even real. One day we’re going to find out that he was an elaborate Gary Oldman character.
-Dr. John is making up lots of funny words, unless flavornacity was recently added to the dictionary with twerk and selfie. He is the Darryl Dawkins of hot sauce.
-The chefs make a mad dash for the pantry as they try to figure out what kind of hot sauce will please Dr. John’s palate. Mexican? Tropical Caribbean style? Or maybe just make Louisiana hot sauce. Because you’re in Louisiana. And it’s Dr. John. These people don’t get yelled at nearly enough. Get Anthony Bourdain back on this show immediately.
-Carrie has her Trinidadian mother-in-law’s recipe to fall back on. But I’m sure if she loses her mother-in-law will be cool about it and not use it to undermine her.
-Brian is up first with a jalapeno and serrano hot sauce with lime and yuzu. It has a thick consistency, and Dr. John may or may not like it. No one actually knows. Basically whoever puts acid in their sauce is going to win.
-Shirley made a Chinese/Mexican sauce with habaneros, serranos, ginger and pineapple. No mistaking the reaction this time, Dr. John is a fan.
-Carrie’s totally non-passive aggressive mother-in-law’s recipe is made from habaneros and green mango. When they pour it out on a plate it looks like an egg yolk. It’s hot up front, but doesn’t do much for Dr. John on the back end.
-Nicholas had no idea what he was doing, because he used to get ulcers so he doesn’t eat spicy food. And that’s why he made a sweet and sour hot sauce with smoked apricots, vinegar and coffee. It looks like stage blood.
-Louis’s Fresno chili hot sauce is sweetened with maple syrup, and heated up by some chili powder. That sounds terrible. I think Dr. John hates it too. Don’t put ground up dried chili peppers in your hot sauce, people. And definitely don’t use maple anything. Even Canadians know that’s a bad idea.
Padma was shocked to discover that there was no food on her toothpick.
-Stephanie’s peach vinegar and habanero hot sauce actually sounds like a hot sauce. Dr. John “kind of liked” it. I think that’s a 10 on his compliment scale.
-Carlos made a Yucatan style sauce with mango, passion fruit, and habanero. It kind of looks like melted passion fruit. Dr. John approves.
-Nina is next, and between being from the Caribbean, and doing that thing where she wins all of the challenges, the other cheftestants probably consider her a favorite. I’m surprised nobody lit her smock on fire. It’s thick and crazy hot, which is a phrase you should Google at work sometime.
-Local chef Jusin made a pepper hot sauce with fermented anchovies. And if that doesn’t sound good to you, then you are probably put off by the idea of fermented anchovies. No judgement, but Dr. John digs it, and I want a bottle.
-Nina, Carrie and Nicholas are on the bottom. The first two for making sauces that were way over the top with Caribbean heat, and the last because made that stuff you get with moo shu pork and pancakes.
-Brian, Justin and Carlos are in contention for the win. Dr. John ultimately goes with Brian. That’s two straight immunity wins for him. He can sleep through the rest of the episode.
-Donald Link is the guest judge, and he brought a 300 lb friend. The pig, not Emeril. The elimination challenge will be a boucherie. That’s where you take a whole pig, cut it into pieces, and cook every part of it in every way imaginable. Everyone is responsible for serving one dish to 250 people.
-“That’s the great thing about using a pig, is that every culture has some variable of how they cook with a pig.” You know, except for Jews, Muslims, most Hindus, and you know, vegetarians.
-But first, everyone gets to argue over who gets what and who gets to cut what off. Justin steps right up and RIPS THE F*CKING HEAD OFF. Man, I hope some squeamish vegetarians were watching that, almost as much as I wish I could make a gif of that.
-A few of the chefs have lots of experiencing butchering pigs this size. That doesn’t stop Sara from telling them what to do every few seconds.
-Nick and Nina both want to work with the head. But how can they both use one intact part of the same animal?
-Any vegetarians still with us? No? Good.
-Travis is going a bit bolder with a tonkatsu ramen. And he’s using dehydrated noodles. What could possibly go right?
-The cheftestants arrive back at the house, and a bunch of other chefs are whipping up a boucherie. I am disgusted by how delicious everything looks.
-Ahhhh! Bravo played the alarm clock noise. What the hell is the point of the FCC if they aren’t going to prevent television networks from broadcasting alarm clock noises?
-The cheftestants roll out of bed, do their hair and head off to the cook site. They’ll be cooking outdoors, with access to burners, grills, smokers, a rotisserie and a device called a China box that is pretty much perfect for roasting a pig.
-Justin took the time to build up a fire on one of the grills, and now he’s pissed because Nina and Brian have moved in to cook over his flame. Nina tells him to “suck a dick,” which, surprisingly, doesn’t diffuse the tension.
-Tom comes around to see what everyone is making. And if he has time he’ll shatter somebody’s confidence.
-Right on cue, he asks Nina if she’s going for a Caribbean flavor profile with her ragu. She answers that she’s going away from spice, and making something that’s more sticky and sweet. Tom’s “uh-huh” response couldn’t have been more withering if it was delivered by Carrie’s mother-in-law. She is immediately second-guessing herself.
-With 30 minutes left to go in their prep cook, Justin’s precious hand-crafted fire turns on him.
-This is where you present your tacos as “al carbon” and try to convince Tom that you were going for a strong charred flavor.
-Nina decides that her dish is bland, so with three minutes left she chucks a bunch of cayenne pepper in there. Why is Tom wasting his time on Bravo? He should be in Geneva trying to get Iran to give up their nuclear program.
“You’re making uranium? You sure that’s going to be stable? OK, just remember that it’s an elimination challenge.”
-It just occurred to me that I’ve gotten a glimpse of what everyone is making, and nobody has even mentioned sausage. What the f*ck kind of boucherie doesn’t have sausage? Grind up some organ meat with some fatback, season it and shove it into some intestines. Then sit back and relax. Because nobody gets eliminated for making sausage.
-The guests have arrived, and at least one of them was not told this was going to be televised.
-The judges make their way to Brian’s station to get things going. He has immunity, so he went out of his comfort zone and roasted porchetta (pig wrapped pig) in the China box. And I have to say, it came out looking pretty nice. Padma likes it just fine.
-The guest chef didn’t pronounce the “ch” in porchetta with a “k” sound. WHAT A RUBE. I did that at a restaurant once, and the waiter was pleasant enough to ask, “Oh, you mean the por-KET-ta?” I bet all of his friends hate him.
-Sarah made pork dim sum with crab and shrimp har gow. People really like her dumpling, which means Sara is dashing our hopes for her swift elimination.
-Justin is up next with his wood “roasted” pork breast taco with pork liver salsa verde. The tortilla got some love, but the pork was dry. Almost as if it were a victim of arson.
-Carlos follows with his pozole verde garnished with a fried chorizo taco. I am now calculating how much it would cost to hire Carlos to be my live-in chef. It’s an unusual boucherie dish, but Tom feels it’s fitting. And hell yeah it is. Pozole is porky comfort, and the fact that I don’t have a bowl of it in front of me is making me pretty upset, to be perfectly honest.
-Shirley’s “day after Chinese New Year” dish features a jiaozi dumpling with pork, grilled kidney and crispy pork fat salad. God I love it when they throw the word salad on the end of the phrase “crispy pork fat.” Judges loved the dumpling, and guests were happy that somebody finally served them some cracklins. The didn’t even care that it was labeled a salad.
-Louis slow-grilled a pork leg with spring onions, shiitake mushrooms, melted corn and popcorn. It sounds more surreal than it looks, but it looks pretty good. One guess tells Tom “it’s the best one.” Tom disagrees, and Hugh is right there with him. The pork is well-cooked, but everything else is confused mess. Would anybody mind if we lost Louis at this stage?
-Stephanie cured and braised pork belly, and served it in a pork brodo (broth) with summer vegetable pickles. Stephanie worries that it’s incomplete, but the judges love the broth. The belly could be better.
-Travis is up next with his cajun style ramen with pork bone broth and collard greens. This is either going to be great, or a total disaster. I’m leaning towards greatness. Travis seems like he’s capable of pulling this off. Oh right, he didn’t make his own noodles. “It’s not like it’s immensely difficult to make ramen noodles,” Hugh reminds us. He’s not wrong, but the broth is delicious so he shuts up and eats it.
-Carrie made a crispy trotter with snap peas and pickled onions. Even in HD it’s hard to see exactly what’s on the plate. It looks vaguely like falafel. I think she just said something about pickled skin. Whatever it is, Tom is a big fan.
-Nicholas is the first member of Team Head to present his dish. It’s a tete de cochon with summer beans, lemongrass vinaigrette and wheat berries. People like it, because of course they do. It’s head. Head is delicious, even with wheat berries in the mix.
-Nina follows up with her braised pig’s head ragu over roasted corn and mustard greens. Believe it or not, the last second addition of spice actually paid off. Tom really liked how the spice built as he ate. Apparently throwing in a bunch of spicy stuff into a cooked ragu is a good way to create depth of flavor. Who knew?
-Now that everyone is done, Stephanie can’t stop talking about everything that’s wrong. Her dish was too salty, her dish was too acidic, she burnt her tongue, she got a farmer’s tan, she lit herself on fire, her room at the house is haunted by the spirit of a long-dead six year-old boy. Chill out, Steph.
-Time for some judgement. Tom says that it’s some of the best food he’s had in 11 seasons of Top Chef. Calm down, cheftestants. He said “some of.”
-Shirley, Nina, Brian and Carlos were all cited as some of the best dishes. Tom also mentions that Carlos made his own chorizo. So somebody did make sausage, and thank god for that.
-Justin and Louis get the brunt of the criticism for dry pork and overly sweet corn, respectively. Travis also got dinged for his flawed ramen. He’s regretting not making his own noodles, but it sounds like the dish had other elements that didn’t work out. Stephanie was also criticized for a flavorless pork belly. Remember, “some of.”
“I told you no one was going to like mine. ” -Emo Stephanie
-Niina, Shirley and Carlos get the call. Tom would travel three days for Shirley’s dumplings, but from Carlos all he wants is a recipe. I guess Tom is too good to travel to his mom’s house on a Thursday like everyone else. Carlos gets the win, with an assist from his mom.
-Justin, Louis and Stephanie are headed back for elimination. I’m hoping it’s Louis, only because Justin and Stephanie seem more capable of creating a really special dish, and that’s what matters. I may change my mind after Justin throws a fit because the judges criticized his perfect food.
-Tom reiterated that none of their dishes were bad, yet he’s not struggling to find faults with each of them. Justin’s meat was inconsistent, Stephanie’s dish felt incomplete and Louis suffered from a bit of confusion. I thought they were least impressed with Stephanie, but it’s Louis who is going home.
Top Chef Top Ten
Eliminated: Louis- He was bummed because he felt he didn’t leave his stamp on the competition. Which is, of course, why he is sent packing.
10. Sara- No one will be sad to see The Gooch go home.
9. Carrie- Sometimes she seems right in the thick of it, other times she seems over-matched.
8. Justin- He loses a spot or two for whining about the judging so god damn much. If your dish didn’t suck you wouldn’t be on the bottom.
7. Stephanie- She needs a Xanax, or something.
6. Travis- Making ramen gets him a “good game, good effort.”
5. Brian- Two straight quickfire wins for Brian, which bodes well.
4. Shirley- Annoying at times, but undeniably talented.
3. Nicholas- Making tete de cochon in a whole pig challenge is enough to get you into the top 3.
2. Carlos- I always suspected that he might be the most talented chef of the bunch. His performance in both of last night’s challenges supports this theory.
1. Nina- Tom crawled inside her head and she still nearly won. Nina will be in the final, and by then everyone will hate her.
Next week, on Top Chef: Restaurant wars! It’s everybody’s favorite/least favorite episode.
