HBO’s True Detective has captured the nation’s imagination over the past few weeks, and with good reason. Through five episodes it’s been one of the most riveting television dramas in recent memory, thanks to stellar performances by Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson, terrific directing, and a twisting and turning whodunnit plot that has spawned dozens of theories and thinkpieces about who killed young Dora Lange back in 1995. Or, to put it in simpler terms, it’s good and you should watch it.
But sadly, we seem to have lost something in all the discussion about the murder and the show’s production value. That thing is this: We, as a nation, are not talking nearly enough about the beer can men Rust Cohle made during his interrogation. Luckily, I am here to help. Right, Rust?
Oh, I believe I am about to. Away we go…
How much would you pay for one of Rust Cohle’s beer can men?
Would the price you’d be willing to pay be different if you stumbled across him selling them at a stand in the Arts & Craft section of your local flea market, as opposed to, like, on HBO’s website?
What would you do if you saw Matthew McConaughey selling little beer can men at your flea market?
Probably flip out a little, huh?
Do you think, when he gets good and drunk, Rust Cohle ever makes two of the beer can men kiss each other?
Or does he have them do little investigations, like the way a kid sends his plastic army men on “missions”?
Or, like, both?
Do you think he ever makes beer can women?
You know, with little aluminum boobs?
Does he give them names like Detective Reggie Lonestar and Detective Rebecca Marlboro and pretend they’re the city’s toughest cops by day and a loving married couple at night?
Do Detective Reggie Lonestar and Detective Rebecca Marlboro have any children?
If so, does Rust Cohle make them out of, like, half a beer can?
Do those poor kids have any chance of growing up normal, what with their parents facing down the city’s most dangerous criminals every day, never knowing if they’re gonna make it home that night or if the Beer Can Chief is going to ring the doorbell and tell the family he’s sorry for their less while choking down the lump in his throat?
Do you think Rust Cohle ever gets really into his pretend beer can world and drinks two or three beers more than he wants just so he can make some beer can criminals for Detective Reggie Lonestar and Detective Rebecca Marlboro to arrest?
If you walked into his house, would you find a huge beer can town sprawled across the floor of his living room?
Like, with tiny working trains and traffic lights and everything?
If so, what does he call the town?
Brew York, right?
Do you think he made the mayor of Brew York out of a Guinness can because the black aluminum made it look like the mayor was wearing a fancy tuxedo?
Should mayors wear tuxedos to work to project an image of class and dignity to their constituents?
Would you be more likely to vote for a mayor if he promised to wear a tuxedo everyday?
Or would you be all “LOOGIT THAT SON OF A BITCH. HE THINKS HE’S BETTER THAN US. HONEY, GET IN HERE. LOOGIT THE TEEVEE. SEE? I TOLD YOU. HE’S A NO GOOD FAT CAT, JUST LIKE THE REST OF ‘EM. GET MY POSTERBOARD AND BULLHORN. I’M GOING TO CITY HALL”?
Do you think the mayor of Brew York’s administration has been plagued with scandals ranging from mismanagement of the city’s beer can budget to dalliances with beer can prostitutes named Lime-A-Rita?
What if Rust Cohle makes beer can versions of people he knows in real life?
How weird would it be if you asked if you could use his bathroom and while you were in there you saw a tiny beer can version of yourself — wearing a miniature version of your favorite shirt — sitting on the back of the toilet inside a diorama that depicted the two of you fishing at the lake?
Or would you consider that sweet?
If Rust Cohle leaves his window open one night during a big thunderstorm and a bolt of lightning strikes his fire escape and the electricity travels inside through the window to the puddle on the floor that’s creeping into Brew York, do you think the current could bring all the beer can men to life?
You know, kind of like Frosty, but with beer can men and lightning instead of a snowman and a magic top hat?
Do you think maybe it already happened?
DID THE SENTIENT BEER CAN MEN MURDER DORA LANGE?
HOW DID THEY EVEN CARRY THE ANTLERS WITH THEIR TINY HANDLESS BEER CAN ARMS?
WHY WOULD THEY DO IT?
Did the current from the lightning only reach Brew York’s maximum security beer can prison, bringing just the worst of the worst to life and shorting the security system so it popped open all the doors?
Do you think Rust Cohle came home from the bar later that night and saw that the prison was empty and he was all “OH, SH*T. OH, F*CK. WHAT AM I GONNA DO? I MESSED UP NOW. OH, F*CK.”
Is that why he was so quick to pin the murder on Reggie Ledoux back in 1995?
Is that also why his apartment was so empty when Marty visited it after the investigation?
Because he destroyed all the evidence of Brew York so no one would put two and two together and suspect that psychotic sentient beer can men that came to life one night in his apartment and are responsible for at least one murder?
Is that what he’s been up to for the last 17 years, hunting them down back-and-forth across the country, following leads wherever they take him, trying to bring these monsters to justice?
It would make sense, right?
Do you think when he destroyed Brew York he decided to save Detective Reggie Lonestar and Detective Rebecca Marlboro, and he’s spent the last decade and a half trying to recreate the conditions that brought the other ones to life?
You know, so they can help him with the investigation?
Won’t they have an awful lot of catching up to do once he brings them to life, seeing as they’ve been out of the game for so long?
Would you watch an episode of True Detective that was just 60 uninterrupted minutes of Matthew McConaughey — in character as Rust Cohle — explaining everything that happened between 1995 and 2012 to a crime-fighting beer can couple that he brought to life by putting them in a motel bathtub and chucking the television into it?
Seriously, and I mean this, how funny would it be if the last episode of True Detective features Rust Cohle and two beer can stick figures arresting two other beer can stick figures for a ritualistic murder they committed 17 years earlier?
Can you EVEN IMAGINE the outrage that would pour out of serious TV critics all over the world?
Who would do the voices of Detective Reggie Lonestar and Detective Rebecca Marlboro if this happened?
How does, like, Mickey Rourke and Carla Gugino sound to you?
What if Season 2 of True Detective is about now-sentient Detective Reggie Lonestar and Detective Rebecca Marlboro moving to Miami to take on drug smugglers?
And what if their chief is a recovering alcoholic played by Bryan Cranston who is driven to destruction by their very presence because seeing them every day makes him want to have a drink?
WHERE WILL THE PRODUCERS PUT ALL THE EMMY AWARDS THEY WILL ASSUREDLY WIN?
They’ll have to keep them in the garage, probably.