Tobias Fünke, Arrested Development‘s ambiguous analrapist and wannabe actor, is a self-proclaimed blow hard. Nearly every word uttered out of his mouth is dripping with innuendo — the man is basically a walking Freudian Slip. Luckily for viewers, that makes this David Cross character insanely quotable.
Whether he is masquerading as Mrs. Featherbottom, living as a never-nude, or fruitlessly attempting to join The Blue Man Group, Tobias’s ridiculous antics have made him a fan favorite. He may be a terrible husband and father, but boy, this Fünke is all anyone’s ever talking about. Let’s take a look at some of the best quotes from the most ridiculous member of the Bluth family.
“I’m afraid I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run, if you will, so I’m afraid I have something of a mess on my hands.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xRHxuB1SXvc
There are so many poorly chosen words in this sentence that it is difficult to know where to begin. Michael is Arrested Development‘s resident straight man, so Tobias’s insanity really shines through in their interactions.
“Here he comes. Here comes John Wayne. ‘I’m not gonna cry about my pa. I’m gonna build me an airport, put my name on it.’ Why, Michael? So you can fly away from your feelings? You can keep them bottled up, Michael, but they will come out. Sometimes in the most unexpected… Hey, where the f**k are my hard-boiled eggs?”
Tobias is surprisingly a certified therapist, and occasionally he breaks out some decent advice. However, he is usually the last person to ever follow good advice.
“I suppose I’m buy-curious!”
No comment.
“Excuse me. Do these effectively hide my thunder?”
Arrested Development is responsible for launching many brilliant bits of comedy into the pop culture consciousness, but Tobias’s struggle with being a never-nude is one of the all time greats.
“OH MY GOD WE’RE HAVING A FIRE…sale.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHs9Rf7L8_U
It’s almost sad to watch Tobias constantly failing when he thinks he’s on the cusp of his big break, but the enthusiasm he brings to everything makes it utterly hilarious.
“Oh, I can just taste those meaty leading man parts in my mouth.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fiEQARKXWYo
Tobias is sure that these discount hair plugs are his ticket to the big time. They aren’t. He can barely get hired to work on Scandalmakers.
“I’ll be your wingman. Even if it means I have to take a chubby. I will suck it up.”
The thing about Tobias is that the man means well. Sure, he says stupid things, but that just makes him more endearing.
“I know you’re the big marriage expert – oh, I’m sorry, I forgot, your wife is dead!”
Well, mostly he means well. Sometimes bluntness can come across a bit cruelly.
“Ok, who’d like a banger in the mouth? Right, I forgot, here in the States, you call it a sausage in the mouth.”
In an attempt to remain close to his daughter, Maeby, while he and Lindsey are going through a trial separation, Tobias unconvincingly attempts to pull a Mrs. Doubtfire by dressing up as the oddly British schoolmarm, Mrs. Featherbottom. This leads to one of Arrested Development‘s best bits of physical comedy.
“Let me take off my receptionist skirt and put on my Barbra Streisand in The Prince of Tides ass-masking therapist pantsuit.”
While he may have channeled the late, great Robin Williams with Mrs. Featherbottom, Tobias goes the Barbra Streisand route here, instead of making the more obvious Good Will Hunting parallel. To be fair: Streisand did look better in a pantsuit.
“Although, perhaps I should call the Hot Cops and tell them to come up with something more nautically themed … Hot Sailors … better yet, Hot Sea-” — Tobias
“I like Hot Sailors.” — Michael
“Me, too …” — Tobias
Once again, Michael tries to save Tobias from himself. Once again, Tobias doesn’t take the out that he’s given.
“I wouldn’t mind kissing that man between the cheeks! So to speak.”
Taken out of context or given the complete picture, there really aren’t a lot of ways to interpret this one.
“I’m afraid I just blue myself.”
Arguably one of Arrested Development’s most iconic lines, this scene gave audiences a glimpse into the foot-in-mouth greatness to come.
