In addition to our weekly recaps of True Detective, this season we will also be pulling out important life lessons that you, the viewer, can learn from the events of each episode. These lessons will range from helpful to very, very not helpful. You are welcome.
If there’s one thing — one single, solitary thing — I want all of you to take away from the second episode of True Detective Season 2, it would be this: Don’t go poking around some weirdo’s creepy sex den.
That’s a blanket, universal rule, by the way. There are no circumstances where you should consider poking around some weirdo’s creepy sex den. Not if you’re curious, not if you’re doing it as a favor for a crime boss played by Vince Vaughn who you are in debt to for finding your wife’s rapist years earlier and setting him up for you to kill him. Not even if Vince Vaughn just, like, asks you himself, in real life. “Hey, listen, buddy, I need you to do me a favor. Can you go poke around my buddy’s creepy sex den real quick?” No, I can’t. Go poke around his creepy sex den yourself if it’s so important to you, Vince Vaughn.
I can’t believe I even have to say this. I mean, sure, it’s tempting. “I wonder what goes on in there,” you’ll probably think, beginning immediately after you hear about the creepy sex den and continuing until the day you die. But nothing good can come of it. NOTHING. There are really only three possible outcomes if you poke around some weirdo’s creepy sex den.
1) It isn’t as creepy as you imagined it to be. Maybe your mind started running wild when you first heard about it, picturing all sorts of contraptions and harnesses and prominent local businessman hanging upside down by their sensitive parts, and then you sneak in and it’s just, like, a normal room but with a red light bulb or something. Then you’ll be all disappointed. It’s important to note that this is far and away the best case scenario.
2) You see a bunch of creepy stuff that haunts you forever. And I don’t just mean “stuff” like paintings or devices. “Stuff” also applies to things happening. You might walk in on something. You might walk in on someone you know doing something. Do you really want to take that risk? We all only get one ride on this roller coaster we call life. You don’t want to ruin it by spending the last 50-60 percent of it thinking about the time you caught your beloved childhood babysitter doing some freaky stuff in a creepy sex den. It’s just not worth it.
3) A man in a bird mask shoots you with a shotgun and leaves you for dead on the floor.
That’s it. Those are the possibilities.
Now, I hear you. You’re saying, “But what if I was invited to the creepy sex den? Wouldn’t it be rude to say no? And what if I’m a cop who has to go there as part of an investigation?” Well, first of all, I would argue that if you were invited, it probably doesn’t count as “poking around.” I’m talking more about snooping, showing up unannounced to be nosy. If someone invites you into their creepy sex den and you want to check it out, I suppose that’s okay. I’m not here to play morality police. But just be careful about it, okay? Ask yourself a few questions first. Did the person use sinister phrasing or a sinister tone when they invited you? Do they have weird dead shark eyes and look a little like maybe they could be a Bond villain? If the answer to either of those questions is yes, then no, I don’t think it would be impolite to turn down the offer.
As far as the cop thing, fine, you have a point. If you are a police officer, I suppose there are a few limited scenarios where you would be required to poke around some weirdo’s creepy sex den. But for the love of God, be smart about it. Like, don’t show up drunk, by yourself, in the middle of the night. That’s probably Rule No. 1. (I know Ray wasn’t acting in his official police capacity when he did this on the show, but still. Good rule of thumb.) And if you’re in there, without backup, in a room with some sort of sex swing and bird masks, inside a sex den that belonged to a person who died very recently under horrifying circumstances, and you stumble across a pool of blood on the floor, don’t put your gun back in the dang holster like Ray did. Stay vigilant here. Keep an eye on the entrances.
Actually, you know what? If that happens, cop or not, just run away screaming. It might not win you any awards for bravery in service, but I imagine it would significantly lower the odds of the newspaper running a story about you that contains the phrase “the victim was found on the floor under a sex swing.” You don’t want that.
So, to recap: Don’t go poking around weirdo’s creepy sex dens, ever, unless you are a cop, and even then, keep an eye out for ambushes set up by shotgun-wielding men in bird masks. I’m glad we had this talk.
