Perhaps you’ve seen these commercials for Three Olives vodka. The ones set to a cover of “Werewolves of London” that feature a well-dressed man — who, spoilers, is secretly a werewolf — wooing women with martinis. They’ve been out for a few months, and there are three of them, I think. They’re actually little snippets of a larger project Three Olives put together, a full-length “Werewolves of London” music video about a fancy vodka-drinking werewolf picking up women. If you read that sentence, thought about it for two or three seconds, and said, “Wait. Hold on. Why is any of that a thing?” then you and I are on the same page. None of this makes any sense to me, and I doubt it ever will.
So, yes, I have a few questions.
What is going on here?
Why is Three Olives’ big commercial campaign about a fancy vodka-drinking werewolf?
Is Three Olives trying to market themselves as vodka for werewolves?
Isn’t that kind of a specific demo?
Or are these supposed to be aspirational, like “Drink Three Olives vodka, like a fancy werewolf!”
Do all werewolves drink vodka?
Like, is that a thing I’m just not aware of?
Do you think sometimes when werewolves go on vacation they kick back and order a mai tai or something?
If you were at a Sandals and saw a werewolf sitting by the pool drinking a fruit-filled cocktail with an umbrella in it, what would you do?
Freak out a little bit, right?
If you were a fancy werewolf, what would you drink?
Do you think werewolves ever order a Bloody Mary at brunch and then hope someone says, “A little hair of the dog this morning?” so they can wink at their werewolf friends at say, “Something like that”?
Do werewolves have senses of humor?
What the hell is happening in this one?
Like, when she says, “What took you so long?” does she mean “to get here?”
Do you think they met on Tinder or something?
How long do you think she was sitting there drinking martinis by herself?
How many minutes would you sit by yourself in a bar waiting for a Tinder match to show up?
Does that number go up or down if your Tinder match is a fancy werewolf?
Wait, is he just trying to pick her up cold?
Does that mean her “What took you so long?” meant “to get me a refill on the martini I literally just finished”?
How many martinis has she had?
Did this lady get all dressed up to go to an upscale downstairs nightclub and drink martinis by herself?
Did she see his teeth turn to fangs for a second there?
She definitely saw his eyes go creepy werewolf yellow, right?
If you were an attractive, well-dressed woman, and a man walked up to you with a martini moments after his teeth briefly turned into fangs and his eyes did a werewolf thing, what would you do?
Show a little more trepidation about it than this lady, right?
What kind of crazed werewolf-humping alcoholic is she?
Speaking of crazed werewolf-humpers, what in the world is this lady’s deal?
I mean, her saying “I hear there’s a full moon tonight” pretty clearly indicates that she knows he’s a werewolf, right?
Has… has she always wanted to sleep with a werewolf?
Is sleeping with a werewolf technically considered bestiality?
Or does it depend on what form the werewolf is in at the time?
Like, if you can prove to a judge that the werewolf was in human form — or maybe 51 percent human — when you slept together, should that exonerate you?
How great would it be if this was a Supreme Court case?
What if you flipped on the TV one night and Anderson Cooper was like “In a groundbreaking decision, the Supreme Court has ruled that humans MAY have intercourse with werewolves as long as the werewolves are more than 50 percent human at the time?”
Scalia would lose his mind, right?
Wait a second, what happened to the ladies from the other commercials?
Is this guy just bombing around London picking up new women every night?
Do you think the other women are running around town telling their friends not to sleep with werewolves because they’ll never call you again?
Are other werewolves out there doing the whole #NotAllWerewolves thing when they hear people trashing them because of werewolves like this one?
Speaking of this guy, don’t you think it’s a little risky for him to be out and about in expensive-looking clothes during a full moon?
Wouldn’t they all just get shredded when he fully changes over, kinda like the Hulk’s do?
Wouldn’t it be smarter for werewolves to wear baggier, stretchy clothes when they go out at night, so they don’t end up spending a fortune continuously replacing their wardrobe?
Or is this guy just rich enough that it doesn’t matter to him?
What do you think he does for a living?
Probably works at a hedge fund or something, right?
Do you think he has a personal tailor who’s just flabbergasted about the number of suits he goes through?
Or does he order them in bulk from Men’s Wearhouse or something?
Would it surprise you if you found out werewolves all over the world were ordering large quantities of cheap suits from Men’s Wearhouse because they kept ripping through them while trying to pick up women using martinis made with mid-level vodka?
Wouldn’t surprise me at all.