A Brief History Of Kramer’s Best Business Ideas On ‘Seinfeld’

Cosmo Kramer, resident of 5B, was many things over the course of Seinfeld: a jobless and nosy neighbor, a hipster doofus, but above all, he was an idea man. From his work as a perfumer with a vision for a cologne that smelled like “The Beach,” to his proposition for a make-your-own pizza parlor, his schemes were endless. So let’s take a look at some his best business ideas he had throughout Seinfeld’s history.

Pizza Entrepreneur

Kramer’s make-your-own pizza parlor is a fantastic idea, especially since it’s the concept behind several similarly functioning restaurants today (Subway, Chop’t). I’m just not sure about the whole people burning themselves and filing lawsuits daily thing.

Moviefone Operator

So it turns out Kramer’s phone number (555-FILK) is just one number away from the Moviefone number (555-FILM.) Where most people would just change their number, Kramer sees a business opportunity and takes action. What time is Firestorm playing, sir?

Inventor of the Tie Dispenser

A simple idea: you spill something on your tie while at dinner, you go to the bathroom and purchase a new one from a tie dispenser. Here’s to making a living off of the schmucks spilling their food on themselves at Outback Steakhouse.

Purveyor of Pasta Statues

Cute little figurines made from pasta, there’s a Fusilli Jerry, a Ravioli George in the making, and a Macaroni Bette Midler. I’m guessing Kramer self-sculpture would be made from Angel Hair?

The Michigan Deposit Bottle Scam

Even though it hadn’t worked for him in the past, Kramer decided to recycle truckloads of bottles in Michigan with Newman because their refund rate is twice as much (10 cents) as New York’s (5 cents.) But really who wants to drive 10+ hours both ways cramped in a mail truck with Newman?

Flight Time Gambler

Ever since I was a little kid I knew I wanted to make a living betting on flight arrival times, I’m just disappointed Kramer beat me to it.

A Cigar Salesman

When Kramer wants Cubans, he gets them. Even if that means actual human Cubans that he has Jerry bring up to New York to get the company “rolling.”

Semi-Professional Photographer

Kramer had a keen eye, and an artistic vision that brought us the Timeless Art of Seduction and Elaine’s Christmas card nipple mishap.

The Executive Jacket

Kramer championed Morty Seinfeld’s 1946 invention of the beltless trench coat and sold it to Rudy’s Antique Boutique. It’s too bad he’s less skilled in figuring out what compensation he should get if he’s successful.

The Bro/Mansierre

Kramer’s response to the bra? A bra for males! This would make a killing around wedding season.

A Ghost Writer

Kramer had a niche for making otherwise boring stories into the most interesting tales, which is why he was able to turn the story of  returning a pair of pants to his friend Bob Sacamano into an entry worthy of an appearance in J. Peterman’s memoir.

A Revived TV Host

Kramer got hold of the old Merv Griffin set, and brought the show back to life in his own apartment. Who doesn’t want a standing ovation every time they enter a friend’s apartment?

Perfumer “The Beach”

Poor Kramer had to find out the hard way, that sharing your ideas with other people can come back to bite you in the ass. His experience with Calvin Klein should be a lesson that it’s best to keep your ideas to yourself, unless someone guarantees your name will be on the product.

Kramerica Industries

Yes, Kramerica Industries may have been “a solitary man with a messy apartment which may or may not contain a chicken.” But let’s not forget he had some pretty decent ideas, such as the Oil Bladder System.

Coffee Table Book About Coffee Tables

Kramer’s appearance on Regis and Kathie Lee is proof enough that his most successful business venture was without a doubt, the coffee table book about coffee tables that also turns into a coffee table. It’s just a little hard to read it when you set your drink down.