TV

A Painfully Lame Ranking Of Andre’s Douchiest Outfits From ‘The League’

When all is said and done, the list of television’s greatest douchebags is going to be a long one. From Eddie Haskell to Buddy Lembeck and Uncle Jesse to Dennis Reynolds, there has been no shortage of unbearable yet oddly charming A-holes on the small screen, but tonight’s return of The League on FXX brings back at least seven of the biggest ‘bags on TV in Pete, Kevin, Ruxin, Jenny, Taco, Rafi and especially Dr. Andre Nowzick. I’d include Baby Jeffrey on that list, too, but he’s more of a brat than he is a douchebag. Hopefully The League will stick around long enough for us to find out how unbearable Ruxin’s son will become when he grows up.

As for Andre, though, very few characters manage to blend the overwhelming bagginess of douche with an existence so pathetic that we’d almost feel terrible for him, if he wasn’t such a colossal goober of a human. In fact, as I’ve previously written, the king of this bizarre hybrid of TV character that is too pathetic for us to actually sympathize with was Stevie Janowski from Eastbound & Down, played sublimely by Steve Little. Does Paul Scheer’s Andre exist on that elite level of pathetic fictional characters with Stevie and Samuel “Screech” Powers? Maybe not yet, but he’s definitely on his way.

If Season 5 of The League was any sort of indicator, life is just going to keep getting worse for poor, poor Andre, who has stood by helplessly while his friends have all had sex with his sister and filmed pornos and sex tapes in his apartments, before he eventually blinded his bride-to-be with his own semen. But what makes Andre truly one of the biggest douchebags in the history of TV sitcoms isn’t his cluelessness and desire to have the finer things in life, as much as it’s the hilariously awful clothing that he wears. In preparation for tonight’s first episode of the sixth season of The League, “Sitting Shiva,” I went back and watched every episode of the first five seasons on Netflix, and I put together this definitive and very scientific ranking of the worst outfits that Andre has ever worn, beginning with the banner image.

From the first episode of Season 2, Andre’s attire for his league’s Las Vegas poolside draft is pretty terrible, but then again for Vegas it’s basically standard wear. Therefore, it kicks off this ranking at No. 30, because things are only going to get way more offensive from here.

29. “Sunday at Ruxin’s”

Let he among us who hasn’t owned and worn a loud, terribly-designed t-shirt over a long-sleeved undershirt with a backwards hat cast the first stone. If this is among the least offensive of Andre’s wardrobes, then you know that this list is going to speed faster toward hell than the typical Jacksonville Jaguars season.

28. “Our Dinner with Andre”

Leniency can be granted for a man’s outfit when it’s freezing outside, but even a new ice age wouldn’t be a valid enough excuse for a guy to dress like an extra from Demolition Man.

27. “The Expert Witness”

What’s worse than Andre in any normal setting or circumstance? Andre the artist preparing to paint a nude portrait of Taco. A black turtleneck is already a bad move unless your name is Sterling Archer, but the metal penis helmet really seals the douche deal.

26. “Heavy Petting”

Lose the scarf (and the disgusting van that had Heavy Petting painted on the side) and maybe replace the designer jeans with a regular pair, and this wouldn’t be a terrible look. Or maybe save the scarf for something more formal, like the funeral of someone who was a total badass. (Hey, I never said that I’m not a douchebag, too. I write from experience.)

25. “Yobogoya!”

Sometimes I wonder if Andre’s outfits – I think about them a lot, at least when I’m watching each episode – wouldn’t be so terrible if he didn’t have all of those hideous hats. But I’m pretty sure that this terrible three-piece pinstripe t-shirt nightmare would still be awful without the fedora.

24. “The Bye Week”

There are times that I actually say to myself that I like something that Andre is wearing, like the jacket in this scene from Season 5, and then I have to excuse myself, so I can go outside, dig a hole and bury my shame. More than anything, though, that hat looks like someone chopped up one of those double-sided futon mattresses that had denim on the bottom, because everyone wants to sit on jeans.

23. “Vegas Draft”

Andre’s outfits were so bad in the first episode of Season 2 that he’s getting recognition twice. Is there a category for costume design at the Emmys? I’m too lazy to look it up, but I assume there is and it’s f*cking ridiculous that The League didn’t win for “Vegas Draft” or one of the other two-timer episodes coming up in this list.

22. “The Tie”

As with any good series, Andre’s best/worst attributes have evolved with each season, so it shouldn’t surprise anyone that a lot of these entries are going to be in order, since Season 5 was peak douchiness for the plastic surgery. But he also deserves a lot of credit for how terrible his layers game was in Season 2.

21. “The Freeze Out”

The third episode of Season 4 is another repeat mention episode, with this ridiculous jacket and hat combo being the first recognition for Outstanding Effort in Douchebaggery. It’s particularly admirable because Andre wore it while crashing a child’s birthday party, so he’s douchey on the inside and outside.

20. “Bro-Lo El Cuñado”

Back to Season 2 we go, as we check out this absurd cardigan and pork pie hat number. What is that 72 even supposed to mean? This is why I don’t get clothes beyond t-shirt and jeans, because if a friend of mine was wearing that, I’d probably ask, “What’s the 72 for?” and he’d respond, “I don’t know” and then I’d be really irritated that he was just wearing something with a 72 on it for no good reason.

19. “The Automatic Faucet”

Let’s dip into Season 5 for the first time on this amazingly scientific and fashion-forward ranking, so we can all bask in the glory that is a fedora that is too small for Andre’s head. Or maybe it’s the right size and I’m just not up on my sh*tty headwear studies. Either way, between the coat, turtleneck and hat, he looks like a diplomat from the Republic of Assholistan.

18. “The Au Pair”

First thing’s first, is anything more damaging than watching the wonderful and angelic Brie Larson slide into a Golden Gate with Pete and Rafi? That kind of stuff scars me, man. The same goes for any grown man who willingly wears a flat-billed hat with giant letters on it, especially if he’s wearing that hoodie and t-shirt combo. It’s like the clearance rack at a TJ Maxx took a dump on him.

17. “The Au Pair”

Let’s go back-to-back ‘bagging here with this look at Andre’s outfit of choice in his own online dating video. A man’s going to play a lot of “Cardio Tennis” on his own when he looks like he served as the urinal for a Miami Vice theme party.

16. “The Kluneberg”

Maybe the penis bird flying into butt mountain is affecting my judgment in this screen cap, but that shirt looks like my belly button lint after I wear a new black t-shirt for three days in a row.

15. “The Lockout”

Sure, Andre’s hair looked like this as part of his Sacko “victory” punishment, but Ruxin didn’t get to pick out that wardrobe as well. That was all Andre, and even if he had shaved off the hair, he’d have still been dressed like your mom going to line dancing night with the gals.

14. “Kegel the Elf”

‘Tis the season to dress like a total dick. While the matching hat and scarf make for acceptable Christmas party accessories, those fashion jeans should be chopped up and sewn into stocking that can be filled with reindeer poop for all of the really bad boys and girls.

13. “Ol’ Smoke Crotch”

What in the name of boy band porn parodies is happening here? In all honesty, I’d love to be there when the outfits are chosen for Scheer, whether he picks them himself or if someone provides them for him. They have to be laughing their asses off when he comes to the set each time, because that hat would make me lose my mind if I saw it in person.

12. “12.12.12”

Andre looks like a reporter who showed up late to a huge news scene because he had to clean the moisturizer stain out of his silk underwear.

11. “The Sacko Bowl”

If I walked into a friend’s apartment and saw him preparing food in an outfit like that, I’d throw it all up even though I hadn’t even eaten any of it yet.

10. “The Hoodie”

There isn’t really much to say about this one that Andre’s league mates didn’t already handle accordingly when they pointed out that it made him look like an uncircumsized penis.

9. “Bro-Lo El Cordero”

Even when Andre dresses a certain way to show his more sinister side, he’s really just an evil douchebag. Credit is due for actually matching the trench coat with the fedora, but the clown shirt really makes him look like a villain from a Spy Kids movie.

8. “The Bachelor Draft”

This is the first of two Top 10 nods for the first episode of Season 5, as Andre really rocked some awful outfits in this one. While you can’t really see it that well, Andre’s hilariously bad vest actually shined and changed colors a little each time that he took a knee to ask his “friends” to be his Best Man, or rather his Goose. But kneeling next to a urinal really kind of works for him.

7. “The Bringer Show”

I’d watch an entire 30-minute standup special of Scheer as Andre, but only if he promised to have at least five wardrobe changes. That would be one of the greatest comedy events in history.

6. “The Marathon”

Andre’s fascination with fitness, while additionally hilarious in terms of everything else he does, has allowed him to stay in the best shape of everyone in his league, with the exception of Jenny, who is swoon-worthy. It’s just a shame that he gave up working that fireman’s pole in those kickass duds, because he could have made millions in the DVD game.

5. “Training Camp”

Andre’s Draft Day outfit was so bad that not only did Trent Richardson not want to play for him, but it affected the way that the former No. 3 overall pick would play for the rest of his career. In fact, when you wonder why drafting Richardson in the 7th round in your fantasy draft this year didn’t pay off and you kick yourself for not taking Ahmad Bradshaw, you’ll only have Andre to thank.

4. “The Freeze Out”

Fedora. Scarf. T-Shirt. Shorts. If this had been winter, the MacArthur’s could have justifiably thrown Andre into a fire to heat their whole home.

3. “The Von Nowzick Wedding”

It’s a shame that Andre and Trixie never actually had a wedding ceremony, because we were robbed of seeing what they’d have actually worn at the altar. Instead, we had to settle for his amazingly, hilariously, terribly, awfully bad rehearsal dinner outfit. I hope that ends up in the Smithsonian’s TV exhibit one day.

2. “The Bachelor Draft”

If Andre and Trixie had gotten married, we can guess that their outfits for the ceremony probably would have looked a lot like what they were wearing in their video invitations to the league. What a shame, but that’s what happens when the groom carelessly ignores his bride’s serious spunk allergy.

1. “Flowers for Taco”

This outfit was so bad that pigeons couldn’t wait to drop the Juggerpoo all over it. It’s just a shame that those rats with wings couldn’t make a new home for themselves inside Andre’s closet.

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