Perhaps you, like me, have been following along with television industry news and saying to yourself, “Huh, it sure seems like there are a lot of reality shows about naked people these days.” Well, if you have, there’s a good reason: there ARE a lot of reality shows about naked people these days. It’s, like, a trend, kind of the way primetime quiz shows were a trend a ways back, or how every comedy in the late-90s was Friends, regardless of title, cast, or plot. Everyone is naked now. Please plan accordingly.
But I imagine the glut of nudity-themed reality shows can make things confusing for you. “Which one was the one where people got set up on dates and dropped into the wild to find a house while terrified?” you may think at some point in the future, mish-mashing all the plots together into a pile of naked chaos. (“A Pile of Naked Chaos” = Good name for a racy memoir.) Luckily, I am here to help. Here is a handy to guide to all the naked reality shows on the air, as well as a few that have run their course.
Dating Naked
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Network: VH1
Status: Premieres tonight, July 17
Official description:
These days we’re supposed to be more “connected” than ever, but it’s actually harder than ever to truly connect. Online dates, blind dates, and the latest in ridiculous dating apps all make it hard to see people for who they really are.
A new social experiment provides daters with a radical dating experience where before they bare their souls they bare everything else first. Each week on a primitive island resort, far from the masks of modern society, daters will go on exotic dates and be naked every step of the way.
We will follow along as two primitive daters each go on a total of three naked dates, including their first date with each other. At the end of this experience they’ll choose which of their naked dates they would like to continue dating back home. Clothing will of course be optional.
The newest naked kid on the block, Dating Naked premieres tonight. It has a preposterous trailer. At one point a dude bends over, sticking his whole butt right in the camera, and starts furiously shoveling sand between his legs, for … reasons? I don’t know. This is how we mate now, apparently. Everyone take off your pants and drive to the beach. It’s time to find the love of your life.
Oh, and it gets better. This was actually one of the naked dating shows, plural, until Fox halted production on its version last week. That’s right, we almost had TWO shows about butt naked people going on dates. And Fox’s was going to be filmed in front of a live studio audience! We live in wondrous times, truly.
Anyway, I choose to believe the pitch meeting for this show was one guy walking in and saying “It’s like The Bachelor, but everyone’s naked,” followed by two uninterrupted hours of executives throwing all the money they could find at him.
Naked & Afraid
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Network: Discovery
Status: In the middle of Season 3
Official description:
Naked and Afraid takes “survival of the fittest” to the next level. Each week, a new pair of complete and total strangers – one man and one woman – will find themselves stranded in and, quite literally, exposed to some of the world’s most extreme weather environments. Each duo will be left high and dry with no food, no water…and no clothes. They must survive on their own for a full 21 days, with nothing but one personal item each and the knowledge that the only prize is their pride and sense of accomplishment.
In Naked and Afraid, these brazen and bold couples will get acquainted with each other and their new surroundings very quickly, forcing them to question and test everything they may think they know about their acquired survival skills and instincts.
Naked? Maybe. Sure. In the right situation. Naked and AFRAID? Nope. No thank you. Nope nope nope. Being fully clothed and afraid ain’t all that great. This sounds worse. Pass.
Naked Castaway
Network: Discovery
Status: Over, as it was a four-hour miniseries
Official description:
Former British Army Captain Ed Stafford was the first person ever to walk the length of the Amazon River, but surviving completely alone on a deserted island is his biggest adventure yet. Can he last 60 days on an uninhabited Fijian island with absolutely nothing? No survival tools, no rations, no clothes, no film crew. It’s a daunting challenge and nobody’s ever done it before.
In fierce tropical heat Ed has only hours to find water before dehydration ends his attempt before it’s begun. He must master the island – and his fears – to find food and water, light fire, build a proper shelter, and progress from mere survival to the point where he could stay forever.
Wanna get angry enough to heave your computer or smartphone into traffic? This show is called Naked Castaway in America, with the “Castaway” presumably added to piggyback on the success and name recognition of the 2000 Tom Hanks film. The English version of the series, however, is called Naked & Marooned. NAKED & MAROONED. This is why America doesn’t have nice things. We let commercialism get in the way of magic.
Buying Naked
Network: TLC
Status: In the middle of its first season
Official description:
In a community where “in the flesh” takes on a whole new meaning, clothing-optional clients shop the real-estate market with the help of expert realtor Jackie Youngblood. Pasco County, Fla., boasts the largest concentration of nudist communities in the nation, and happily holds the title of “Nudist Capital of America.” Follow Jackie and her team as they help “in the buff” homebuyers find their dream house.
Prospective homebuyers typically consider such factors as location, layout, and budget, to help influence their decisions. But finding a home for a nudist goes well-beyond the concerns that come with typical house hunting. Jackie and her team must also bear in mind the hazards that are lurking for their clothing-optional clientele – everything from countertop height to sharp corners and flooring (rug burn hurts!). Routine tasks such as cooking, cleaning and even just walking can present safety risks for the unclothed occupants of the home.
You will never convince me that “Jackie Youngblood, Realtor to Florida Nudists” is not a Kristen Wiig character, possibly from an upcoming Will Ferrell movie about a man quitting his job as a mild-mannered insurance salesman and moving to the Sunshine State to start a new clothes-free life. Yup, that’s what’s going on here. I guarantee it.
Naked Vegas
Network: Syfy
Status: Season 1 ended in December, no word on a second season
Official description:
The world of body painting takes the spotlight, as a team of Las Vegas based body painters must use imagination and innovation to please a diverse slate of clients.
“To please a diverse slate of clients”? There are that many different kinds of people getting their bodies painted? I’m sure this place is a gold mine, because Vegas, but until I see a 75-year-old lady show up and ask to be painted like a lizard for her son’s birthday party, I’m gonna go ahead and assume “diverse” means “employees of EDM-themed nightclubs in different casinos.”
