One of the greatest running gags in Seinfeld was the inclusion of fake movies the four characters would either talk about or go see. In some cases they were epic like Firestorm, and in other cases, promising but a huge letdown like Prognosis Negative. Even though none of us have ever seen any of them, I’m ranking all of the fictional films of Seinfeld based on what we learned of the plot, and cast from each episode. Do yourself a favor and check out Next Movie’s most excellent fake posters once you’re done complaining about Chunnel’s ranking.
22. The Pain and the Yearning — Episode “The Comeback”
A 192-minute fictitious film, whose plot is simply “An old woman experiences pain and yearning.”
Too much pain. Too much yearning.
21. The Muted Heart — Episode “The Engagement”
I just feel bad for George when Susan made him go to this instead of Firestorm.
20. Cold Fusion — Episode “The Bizarro Jerry”
Jerry mentions plans to see this film with Kramer, who is unable to go because of a long day “working” at Brandt and Leland.
We don’t really get any sort of description for this movie, but I’m thinking it’s about a reclusive scientist braving the Alaskan frontier on a murderous ground-breaking science experiment. Your guess is as good as mine.
19. Blame It on the Rain — Episode “The Calzone”
Elaine and her date Todd Gack are forced to see this movie when Means to an End (see below) is sold out.
The title is probably a reference to what happens when you want to buy tickets to another movie, and wind up having to see this one instead. Which was the case for everyone in this episode.
18. Cry, Cry Again — Episode “The Little Kicks”
I would only see this movie if it was the Bootleg director’s cut, and showed the Elaine dancing scene.
17. The Other Side of Darkness — Episode “The Comeback”
It’s a straight to video release where a woman slips into a coma and eventually wakes up. That’s it. Oh! And did I mention it’s over two hours long?
16. Brown Eyed Girl — Episode “The Pool Guy”
This could work as a decent romantic comedy, or a Van Morrison documentary. I’d be okay with either, or.
15. Chow Fun — Episode “The Pool Guy”
As viewers we don’t get much of a description for this movie, other than Elaine calling Kramer’s movie phone line for show times, and asking about it. But at least the title implies there’s fun to be had!
14. Cupid’s Rifle — Episode “The Pool Guy”
Yes, people have debated whether Kramer actually says Cupid’s Rifle or Cupids Rival on his movie phone line, and while both titles could work as films, there’s just one thing that intrigues me: I have to know where Cupid keeps his rifle.
13. Mountain High — Episode “The Engagement”
An R-rated film starring Kevin Bacon and Susan Sarandon. Kramer reads its tagline from the newspaper (“There’s no higher place than… Mountain High!”), and also recites some (possibly fake) dialogue from the film: “You’ve gotta get me over that mountain!” This was followed by a fake explosion and exaggerated scream.
We don’t learn too much about Mountain High, other than it having an all star cast with Susan Sarandon and Kevin Bacon, which earns it some extra points. And a bit of dialogue Kramer reads aloud gives us some clues, and implies that the people want to get over the mountain, not be on it, possibly because of explosions happening. So what’s on the other side of the mountain that the people want to get to?
12. Agent Zero — Episode “The Pool Guy”
Seinfeld-esque secret agents could be a good thing. I think.
11. Ponce De Leon — Episode “The Movie”
The film concerns the Spanish conquistador Juan Ponce de León and his mythical search for the Fountain of Youth. One scene that especially got to George is when Ponce De Leon and his crew splash around in a supposed Fountain of Youth, only to realize, when he looks in a mirror, that it did not have mystical powers.
Something about Larry David mentioning this one in a Curb Your Enthusiasm episode makes me think I’d side with George (he loved it) in his and Elaine’s (she hated it) debate.
10. Checkmate — Episode “The Movie”
This movie likens the game of chess to the existence of an actual king, but I really just want to see Larry David dressed in medieval garb.
9. Blimp: The Hindenburg Story — Episode “The Puerto Rican Day”
My guess is Michael Bay directed this, but it wouldn’t matter. I’d just be in the crowd laughing at George’s heckles.
8. Prognosis Negative — Episode “The Deal”
This one turned out to be all hype, but I think it still deserves a watch.
7. Means to an End — Episode “The Calzone”
I’m guessing since this movie was sold out, and it took Jerry’s gorgeous date to get ticket on opening night, that it must’ve been at least somewhat decent.
6. Flaming Globes of Sigmund — “The Heart Attack”
Larry David in space is something I want more of. And I wanna know what kind of joke I’d scribble in the middle of the night after watching it.
5. Chunnel — Episode “The Pool Guy”
After the channel between England and France is destroyed in an explosion, the president’s daughter is trapped inside. The tagline is “Chunnel: 32 Miles of Hell” which makes me wonder, is the chunnel on fire? You’ve got my attention.
4. Death Blow — Episode “The Little Kicks”
I’m sold on the tagline alone: “When someone tries to blow you up, not because of who you are, but for different reasons altogether.” Not to mention, I want to know how Death Blow came to be known as Death Blow, and why Kramer thinks the Hawaiian man deserved the final death blow in the end.
3. Rochelle, Rochelle — Episode “The Movie”
Even though this movie is said to be unbearable, Elaine’s pretty much right, men will stick around for any movie that promises nudity.
2. Firestorm — Episode “The Rye”
I 100% think this could be the greatest action film of all time. Harrison Ford shooting up at a plane he has just fallen out of. A helicopter landing on top of a car. An underwater escape! Everything about Firestorm sounds fantastic!
1. Sack Lunch — Episode “The English Patient”
I could explain why Sack Lunch is the greatest fictional Seinfeld film, but if you have to ask why I chose it as number one, you’ll probably never understand anyway.