Holiday weekends are usually good for two things: stuffing and pouring edible (or non-edible if you’re a bit crazy) substances down your gullet until your distended belly resembles that of a pregnant zombie, and firmly embedding yourself on a couch while your paralyzed brain absorbs copious amounts of televised entertainment. While we can’t help you with the first, we certainly can point you in the right direction as to what digital signals should flood your brain cavity this weekend.
From walkers, to robots, to gut-busting laughs, we’ve got it all covered in this comprehensive look at the blocks of TV programs and films that should help you relax while the gallons of cheesy potatoes you ingested work their way through your innards. And, if you stumble across any other marathons that might be of note, please let us know in the comments section. This is a team game, people. Now, let’s get to veggin’.
Friday, November 28th
1. ) The Star Trek: The Next Generation Marathon (BBC America)
Before he was Professor Xavier, Sir Patrick Stewart was Captain Jean-Luc Picard, in this updated space travel series that won over a dozen Primetime Emmys. The marathon starts with a look back at the captains of the Enterprise, before jumping into a block of The Next Generation. A must for Trekkies!
Captains Close-up: Friday 11 a.m.
Star Trek: The Next Generation: Friday 12 p.m. – Saturday 6 a.m.
2. ) The Exotic and Alternate Worlds Movie Marathon (TNT)
If escapism is what you crave, or if Angelina Jolie rocking skin-tight outfits while fighting bad-guys tickles your fancy, then perhaps this marathon of films exploring alternate, historic and exotic lands will be just the thing you need.
Lara Croft: Tomb Raider: Friday 11 a.m.
The Time Machine: Friday 1 p.m.
Journey to the Center of the Earth: Friday 3 p.m.
Prince of Persia:The Sands of Time: Friday 4:45 p.m.
3. ) The Comedies, Cult Classics, and Kevin Smith Marathon (IFC)
This hodgepodge of comedy classics and cult favorites is bound to induce some acid flashbacks and/or memories of your slacker years. A double slab of Kevin Smith is sandwiched in-between a Tim Burton, bizarro masterpiece and two stoner/slacker greats — I guarantee the whole thing tastes great.
Beetlejuice: Friday 11:45 a.m.
Clerks II: Friday 1:45 p.m.
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back: Friday 4 p.m.
Fast Times at Ridgemont High: Friday 6:15 p.m.
The Big Lebowski: Friday 8:15 p.m.
Saturday, November 29th
4. ) The “Being an Adult Sucks” Movie Marathon (FX)
If being Peter Pan — you know, staying young, fighting pirates, hitting on sexy fairies — was actually a thing, I bet a lot of us would opt for that life. Unfortunately, it’s not an option. Crappy jobs, disobedient kids, disrespectful bosses, and former classmates shoving their perfect lives in your face is what we can expect as we age. These five films capture the misery that is adulthood almost perfectly, because life is actually worse. But, hey, at least there’s some humor in it!
13 Going on 30: Saturday 11 a.m.
Baby Mama: Saturday 1 p.m.
American Reunion: Saturday 3 p.m.
Grown Ups: Saturday 5:30 p.m.
Horrible Bosses: 8 p.m.
5. ) The Cops and Comedy Marathon (Comedy Central)
Comedy and police tactics haven’t exactly had a congenial relationship lately, but that doesn’t mean we can’t look back on happier times! Police Academy reminds us, that even in these times of excessive policing force, cops can be hilarious! And Beverly Hills Cop proves that inside of every hardened officer of the law lies a clown with a heart of gold. Watch these films and give your protesting picket signs a much needed rest.
Police Academy: Saturday 8:34 a.m.
Beverly Hills Cop: Saturday 10:47 a.m.
Beverly Hills Cop II: Saturday 1:08 p.m.
6. ) The Space, Robots, and Vampires Marathon (SyFy)
While those chunks of turkey gizzards course through your system, how about a trip into space, where killer robots, aging spacemen and monstrous bounty hunter reside? When you come back to earth, you can join the exploits of a half-man half-vampire as he attempts to put to rest the most powerful bloodsucker that’s ever been! Sounds like a perfect Saturday to me!
Space Cowboys: Saturday 10 a.m.
Stargate: Saturday 1 p.m.
The Fifth Element: Saturday 3:30 p.m.
T2: Judgement Day: Saturday 6 p.m.
Blade: Trinity: Saturday 9 p.m.
7. ) The Big Budget Battles Marathon (TNT)
The issues that separate an antagonist and protagonist are the crux that acts as the hinge of every cinematic journey, but these films take things a bit further by adding gang warfare and factions to the fray. Whether the battles take place on earth, on a distant planet, or in a distant time, one thing is for certain: lots of bodies will lay in the wake of these big budget spectacles.
Total Recall: Saturday 12 p.m.
Terminator Salvation: Saturday 2:30 p.m.
Battle:Los Angeles: Saturday 5 p.m.
300: Saturday 7:30 p.m.
Sunday, November 30th
8. ) Sunday Morning Stand-Up Marathon, (Comedy Central)
A lot of the stand-up specials you catch on TV during the day are heavily edited for explicit content, but this block of stand-up, during the “safe haven” hours of early Sunday morning, will feature less of the bleeps that get in the way of hilariously naughty jokes. Be sure to stay until the end for Joe Rogan’s newest stand-up special, which is getting rave reviews.
Amy Schumer: Mostly Sex Stuff: Sunday 12:10 a.m.
Aziz Ansari: Dangerously Delicious: Sunday 1:15 a.m.
Katt Williams Live: Sunday 2:18 a.m.
Joe Rogan: Rocky Mountain High: Sunday 3:46 a.m.
9. ) The Walking Dead Marathon (AMC)
If you haven’t caught any of The Walking Dead‘s season 5 episodes, then don’t fret. This Sunday, you’ll be able to see every episode from the first half of this season followed by the mid-season finale. It’s a bittersweet marathon, because as each episode passes the realization will set-in that you’ll have to wait until next year to see the conclusion of this season’s story-arc. Until then, just watch George Romero’s Dawn of the Dead on repeat to stave away any withdrawal symptoms.
The Walking Dead Season 5 pt.1: Sunday 2-10 p.m.
10. ) James Bond Marathon (BBC America)
Looking for a triple dose of Sean Connery as the slick, handsome, super-secret spy, James Bond? The you’ve come to the right place, my friend. Considered by many as the best iteration of the British badass, once you’ve cycled through these three iconic Bond films, you can stay tuned and watch them again as the triple play repeats through the night. And, like all the ladies say, Bond can go all night long (I honestly don’t know if that’s what the ladies say, but I’d like to think so).
Goldfinger: Sunday 1:30 p.m.
You Only Live Twice: Sunday 4:00 p.m.
From Russia With Love: Sunday 11:30 p.m.
11. ) The Complete Indiana Jones Marathon (Spike)
Like James Bond, Indiana Jones is a mythical character in cinematic lore, but unlike Bond, only one man was born to play Indy: Harrison “freakin” Ford. Spike is showing, in succession, every Indy film, including the rather unfortunate Kingdom of the Crystal Skull which features Indy surviving a nuclear blast with the help of a refrigerator! We still love you Dr. Jones.
Every movie, starting with Raiders of the Lost Ark: Sunday 12:32 p.m. – 9:19 p.m.
12. ) The Mobsters, Money and Mayhem Movie Marathon (IFC)
If violence, mobsters, Mexican stand-offs, revenge fantasies, and snakes get your blood pumping, then this marathon is for you (you may be wondering why Snakes on a Plane is in this block of programming dedicated to mobsters — it’s the mob that releases the snakes!). Reservoir Dogs serves as a nice appetizer for this four course buffet of violence, and the humor of Snakes on a Plane is the sorbet to help dissipate the splotches of plasma that will no doubt become embedded in your cerebrum following hours of gunplay and head smashing.
Reservoir Dogs: Sunday 1 p.m.
RocknRolla: Sunday 3:15 p.m.
Payback: Sunday 5:45 p.m.
Snakes on a Plane: Sunday 8 p.m.