‘The Americans’ Season Finale Anxiety Report: Everyone Is Sad And/Or Doomed

05.31.17 11 months ago 12 Comments


The Americans Anxiety Report is a weekly rundown of the people and things we are currently most worried about on the show. It will get weird, because many of the people and things we will be worrying about will be tools in a plot to ruin America, put in motion by another country. Blame the show for this, not us.

Unranked: Tuan (Last week: 6)

I’m going to file Tuan being an ungrateful irresponsible ideologue under the category of “stubborn misguided youth” instead of “burgeoning sociopath,” only because I try to see the good in people. I did kind of want Elizabeth to toss him out a window, though. Still do. Not too late.

10. Henry (Last week: 9)

Things looked bleak for Henry, what with Philip backing out on the promise to let him attend his fancy New England boarding school and do math and such with Chris, his “friend” who helped him secure a scholarship and cook a dinner to butter up his parents and who appears to have replaced Stan as his primary free-time companion, but is definitely not his girlfriend according to him, which is not something he should say in front of her unless he wants to see real teenage tears by the quart. Henry, you dolt. Open your eyes! She’s crazy about you!

Sorry, got distracted there. Anyway, does… does the twist at the end, with the Russia return apparently postponed, mean that he can go now? It seemed like that was the problem, so if that’s cleared up, at least in an open-ended temporary way, maybe all is good again on the Henry front? I hope so. I like this guy. I hope he and Chris get married and have two little nerds of their own, neither of whom are forced to become spies or stage a suicide attempt to manipulate their parents to move halfway around the world. You got to give me one thing, The Americans.

9. Linda (Last week: Not ranked)

Get it together, Linda.



8. Oleg (Last week: 2)

No sign of Oleg this week, which was weird. It means our last look at him before the final season was him moping around the streets of Russia, staring out over a bridge, contemplating life and prison camps and grocery corruption that reaches the highest levels of government. Oleg is massively doomed. So is everyone on this show, probably, but Oleg has about three different forces pressing down on him right now, any one of which could ruin him and break his poor mama’s heart. Oleg needs an outlet to relieve all this stress, or else he might explode. Maybe golf.

7. Pasha (Last week: 1)

Pasha attempted suicide because a foreign spy posing as his friend goaded him into it, as part of a plan to guilt his family into moving back to Russia to escape his continuous nightmare of a life in America, which was caused by that same foreign spy and other spies posing as that spy’s family, and now that his plan worked he’s going home with a single mother who is about to be blackmailed by the Russian government because she cheated on his father with a “big sex man” in an attempt to feel good for 30 minutes of her awful, miserable life.

So that’s cool.

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