By now, if you watched or even simply knew that Comedy Central hosted a roast for Rob Lowe, you know that Ann Coulter was the real star of the show. As soon as the event kicked off, audience members were live-tweeting the hate she was receiving from the other comedians and celebrities on the dais, and we also offered a firsthand account of the polemicist’s demise. Of course, what we call a demise or verbal obliteration, Coulter called a victory. And rightfully so, because everyone was talking about her for an entire week while she was pushing her latest book to Trump-loving Americans.
On Monday night, we got to see all of the Coulter jokes that were good enough to be included in the TV broadcast. Coulter wasn’t lying when she called it the Roast of Ann Coulter featuring Rob Lowe, because there were far more jokes about her than there were about what we expected to be the easiest target: Lowe’s 1988 sex tape scandal. Why was Coulter even there? “Buy my book! Buy my book!” But how did the woman who proclaimed herself the champion of the evening actually handle the barrage of insults?
Let’s take an in-depth look at her actual reaction to each performer’s attempts to shame her. First up, the Roast Master got the ball rolling:
“Is Pete white? Is he black? Ann Coulter needs to know so she can decide if she hates him.” – David Spade
“Ann Coulter, if you’re here, who’s scaring the crows away from our crops? Ann describes herself as a polemicist, but most people call her a c*nt. Last year, we had Martha Stewart, who sells sheets. Now we have Ann Coulter, who cuts eyeholes in them.” – Pete Davidson
“Holy shit, is that Ann Coulter? That can mean only one thing: someone must have said her name three times! Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice! Fun fact: Ann Coulter has a big, angry bush. No joke, that’s just a fun fact.” – Rob Riggle
“As a feminist, I can’t support everything being said up here tonight. As somebody who hates Ann Coulter, I’m delighted. Jeff Ross is going to party like it’s 1999. Ann Coulter is going to vote like it’s 1899. Ann, you do look great, though. You’re almost as thin as Donald Trump’s chances of winning the election. It’s really a small world. Last week I was behind Ann Coulter in line at Chipotle, and she ordered something to go: the entire kitchen staff. What’s weird is, believe it or not, gay men love Ann Coulter. It’s because two seconds into hearing her speak, they remember why they hate pussy.” – Jewel
“Ann Coulter, here we go… Ann Coulter is one of the most repugnant, hateful, hatchet-faced bitches alive. But it’s not too late to change, Ann. You could kill yourself. Ann Coulter looks so much like a truck stop transvestite whore that I saw Jeff Ross run to an ATM just before the show. Ann Coulter’s pussy is so old and dry that it just got a job drawing cartoons for The New Yorker.” – Jimmy Carr
“As we all know, I’m not the only athlete here tonight. Earlier this year, Ann Coulter won the Kentucky Derby.” – Peyton Manning
“Without führer ado, Ann Coulter! What’s it like to be a real-life supervillain? I’d ask you how you sleep at night, but I assume it’s upside-down in a robe made of 101 dalmatians. Ann Coulter has written 11 books, 12 if you count ‘Mein Kampf.’ Ann’s been called a racist, anti-Semitic, homophobic, a white supremacist, and that’s just while getting plowed by Bill Maher. The only person you will ever make happy is the Mexican who digs your grave.” – Nikki Glaser
“Ann Coulter, I’m glad to see you here. I respect you. You’re the one female commentator who is not afraid to stand up… to take a leak.” – Ralph Macchio
“Ann, you have a face that can make doves cry! How do you roast someone from hell? That face. That voice. It’s like fingernails on a chalkboard inside an inner-city school you want to defund. Ann’s against gay marriage. What’s your thinking on that? If I can’t get a husband, they shouldn’t either?” – Jeff Ross
“It’s 56 days til Halloween, but I see that Ann Coulter is already in her skeleton costume. People ask, why is Ann Coulter here tonight? The answer: because the right-to-lifers wanted everyone to see what an abortion looks like up close. You know, Ann, after seeing your set tonight, I think we all witnessed the first bombing that you can’t blame on a Muslim.” – Rob Lowe
Not to take sides, but I’m starting to think Coulter was on to something when she said some of these comics weren’t telling actual jokes. But at the very least, the woman selling a book seemed to handle the obliteration with a smile.
