Attn. Ryan Gosling: This Would-Be Kardashian Who Just Had Her Wisdom Teeth Removed Wants You

I’m lucky enough that I’ve never needed my wisdom teeth pulled. It’s not that I’m scared of the pain or the week of eating nothing but Jell-O — no, I’m afraid of what I’ll admit in the dentist’s office while I’m still loopy on drugs. Take the girl in the video above. Not only does she tell her poor confused mother that she longs to “f*ck a white d*ck,” preferably Ryan Gosling’s baby goose, which is a totally understandable request, but then she reveals, “I just want to be a Kardashian. Please help me.”

What I’m saying is, [whispers] I hope no one records me when I’m at the dentist and admit that I think [yells] Adam Sandler’s Jack & Jill is hilarious. Oops, I said the loud part quiet, and the quiet part loud.