The Bachelorette is a show people watch on ABC apparently and it’s probably higher-rated than anything NBC has put out in the last five years. Even if you don’t watch or have never seen an episode, you have full permission to hate everything about it.
Sucky rapper extraordinaire Soulja Boy made a cameo on the show tonight, which also reminded everyone that this rap song and video exists. So here we are, Soulja Boy, Desiree and a legion of douchey bros who make me wish violent things on people I’ve never met before.
So because I hate happiness and you do too, here’s a second-by-second breakdown of the worst video you’ll see today. You’re welcome! Here goes.
:00-:02 – It literally took less than two seconds before it hits that this is going to be just as bad as anyone could have imagined.
:02-:06 – We get the very worst of White Girl Being Hip in a short span. First we get the cringe-worthy “what’s up SOULJA BOYYYYEEEE” followed by the dancing. Good Lord, the dancing. What is she doing? She looks like she’s getting hit with a Spirit Bomb.
:06-:10 – “You look pensive baby, maybe you should go and do some contemplating” – This is the worst opening ad-lib to a rap song of all time. What does that even f*cking mean?
:10-:20 – How many stereotypes can we knock out in 10 seconds? Big pinky ring, gold teeth, making it rain, the Running Man, White people not being able to dance. That’s the Grand Slam. Good job.
:20-:30 – Aw shucks. She’s rapping. Like legit rapping. Don’t hide your face, Soulja Boy. You cashed the check.
:30-:37 – “Finding the right guy really ain’t that easy/ I’m looking for a husband not abs and a cheesy smile” – She went to the Jean Ralphio school of not ending her sentence with the rhyme. This happened in real life.
:37-:42 – I don’t even know what she says here as douche #5 does some winding thing with his hoodie. Play it backwards and this part of the song has the nuclear codes.
:37-45: The hook goes: “Right reasons, right reasons/ I’m here for your girl for all four seasons.” It’s a Faulkner quote.
:50 – :53 – Is he making it rain mother*cking leaves to demonstrate the passing of the seasons? He is. I want all of these men to lose.
:55-1:00 – Who in the purple hell is this guy with his guitar? And…yes, he’s rapping too. So basically “Accidental Racists” was the Silver Surfer and this video is the Galactus that has come to devour rap music, huh? Does that make Soulja Boy Uatu?
1:06 – Seriously, I want every one of God’s plagues to hit these guys at the same time.
1:08 – Are they just splicing the same Soulja Boy “yeah” clip in at random times? Has he done anything yet but ask about her pensiveness?
1:10 – It literally just hit me that we’re only halfway through this video and I’m realizing that this second-by-second approach is the worst decision of my life.
1:14 – 1:17 – I have no clue what she’s saying anymore. I don’t know if she’s mumbling or this video has beaten my cognitive skills to a pulp.
1:26 – 1:28 – Did he just pull a platinum chain out of the other guy’s mouth? This isn’t a good video.
1:30 – Incredulous Soulja Boy is incredulous.
1:34 – 1:38 – So d-bag #7 raps that he’s homeless and jobless and Soulja Boy’s response is a giddy “get em!” You’re a terrible listener and a bad friend Mr. Boy.
1:39 – 1:43 – DANCE BREAKDOWN!
1:47 – 1:53 – …
2:00 – 2:08 – So being the host of a cheesy dating show is only the second-saddest thing you do for a living.
2:08 – Eternity – I want to unsee every second of this. This wouldn’t have happened if the Mayans were right. God, I wish the Mayans were right. I have never seen an episode of any of these shows but I officially hate everyone associated with it ever.
