While the focus of Broad City is on the gonzo antics and hilarious friendship of Abbi (Abbi Jacobson) and Ilana (Ilana Glazer), as twentysomething women in a big city, they’re also bound to have their fair share of sexual mishaps. While many people do settle down when they’re young, for many, it is a time for experimentation. When you’re figuring out what it is that you want and enjoy, you are going to come across stuff that is detrimental to your growth and happiness as well.
Luckily for everyone navigating the rules of romance, we have Abbi and Ilana to be our spirit guides. Every relationship is different, but here are a few tips from Broad City to help avoid disaster.
Open Communication Is Key
Whether or not you’re monogamous or keeping things casual, communication is the key in a dating relationship. They need to know what you want and you need to know what they want if you’re even going to attempt to be on the same page. While Lincoln (Hannibal Buress) is much more even-keel than the always ridiculous Ilana, these two somehow make their weird relationship work. In the season three episode “Co-Op,” Lincoln admits that he did hook up with another girl, but Ilana is really only curious about the details because she finds it really hot. However, after they have a real and honest conversation about what they want and expect from the relationship, they’re ready to move forward as a (slightly open) couple. It’s not for everyone, but it works for them.
Lying About Who You Are Will Not End Well
It can be tempting to become someone you’re not when flirting with a hot guy or girl. We’ve all convinced ourselves at one point or another that our true self isn’t worthy of that person’s attention, but the most elaborate lies will crumple like a wet paper towel when put under pressure. When Abbi pretends to be Ilana in order to take her shift in “Co-op,” she ends up meeting a hot hippie named Craig (Chris Roberti), and tries to convince him that he would be perfect for “her friend,” Abbi. Poor, awkward Abbi. She has more than her fair share of romantic failures, but this was one of the more public. She and Craig may have been Phish-obsessed soulmates in another life, but they couldn’t get past her opening lies.
Hooking Up With A Coworker… Probably A Mistake
The expression “don’t sh*t where you eat” could not be more true. Sure, everyone has a work flirt to keep things interesting, but moving from flirt to hookup is probably going to be more awkward than it’s worth. When Abbi and Trey (Paul W. Downs) get a little too tipsy on “kamboozecha” and end up making out, the already weird friendship reaches a whole new squirmy level. While we still haven’t witnessed the fallout first hand, it will probably be just as awkward as when she discovered his past life as a porn star.
Hooking Up With Your High School Crush… Also Probably A Mistake
Some fantasies are better left in the past. Sure, we all have our moments of fantasizing about meeting up with our long-past crushes; what we would say, how we would demonstrate our now off-the-charts coolness, what hooking up with them would be like. However, the reality of the situation will almost always be as cringe-inducing as our one-sided longing was in the past. Plus, even in the Facebook era, who knows what kind of nonsense this person is up to now. If you’re anything like Abbi, you’ll just get caught up in some weird romantic drama that makes you look like an assh*le. Not worth it.
Avoid Douchebags With Heavily Curated Lifestyles
I get it. Your slightly-more-sophisticated crush intrigues you, like Abbi’s all-consuming crush on her neighbor, Jeremy (Stephen Schneider). They might be a little bit older, or maybe they’re a bit more sexually adventurous. That can lead to a great time. However, if you start to notice that they’re a little too into their persona, this may be a person to avoid in the future. You were just trying to do a nice thing and wash the dildo you pegged them with last night, so it’s not your fault that you warped it in the dishwasher. If they can’t have a modicum of chill about the absurdity of that situation, it is never going to work out.
Swiping Left On Tinder Is Okay And Encouraged
Let’s get this out of the way once and for all: Tinder is the worst. Like Russian roulette, except it’s your dignity at stake. After her unfortunate make out sesh with Trey, Abbi goes on the hunt for someone new to make out with. However, no one told her the first rule of Tinder: seriously, don’t meet up with every single person you match with. Poor Abbi had no idea that swiping left was a thing, and soon learned that few people are actually who they say they are online. You’re not in a hurry, so go ahead and be a little choosy.
Having Sex With Your Doppelganger Will Get Weird
Everyone has thought about what it would be like to have sex with themselves at one point or another. Everyone. However, the lines between dream and reality will probably get blurred. Plus, diversity is the spice of life, so why limit yourself to someone who looks just like you? And really, as hot as you think it’ll be, you’ll probably just get self-conscious. However, if it’s your thing, you do you, my narcissistic friend.
An Improv Group Called “Statutory Grape” Is A Dealbreaker
Everyone has that hookup that they’re embarrassed about. Even if the sex was amazing, something was so off that the entire experience fills you with revulsion upon future reflection. Ilana thought she had found the perfect hookup with Tyler (Luke Guldan); he was incredibly hot and also incredibly into going down on her. However, a few lazy rape jokes and an unironic Dr. Evil impression during his improv troupe’s terrible set was enough for her to say goodbye to the perfect penis.
Find Someone Who Really Makes You Laugh
Having someone in your life that you genuinely enjoy spending time with goes a long way. The honeymoon period will fade away (although hopefully not completely), so the first step to romantic success is that baseline of friendship. Who’s the person who makes you laugh? Who gets you at a deeper level and is still into you? That’s a person worth holding on to.
