Larry David complained about a lot of things on Curb Your Enthusiasm (which you can stream on HBO Now before the new season) but one societal convention that completely deserved his ire was the pointless, tiresome social ritual that is small talk. There are people that claim small talk is the grease of civilization and a necessary precursor for more intimate, meaningful conversation. Which is adorable. But there are other people, like David, who recognize small talk for what it is: a futile waste of time covered by the veil of civility.
If, like David, the thought of small talk induces anxiety, nervous ticks, and a terrible case of word vomit, remember these Curb Your Enthusiasm quotes and use them as needed.
“I’m trying to elevate small talk to medium talk.”
Dinner parties are the bane of an introvert’s existence. Not only are they almost unfailingly too large in number, but finding a seat next to interesting, conversational guests is like playing a high-stakes game of musical chairs. When Larry’s invited to one in New York following his heroic antics on the plane ride over, he’s assigned a dud seat next to Hank (Chris Parnell) — a man who believes lamenting the death of cursive is a great opener. Larry circumvents this black-hole of a time waster by diving head first into the social deep end and asking the guy about his failing marriage and terrible sex life. It’s a noble cause — elevating small talk to medium talk – but it’s no simple feat. After all, people hold onto social conventions like talking about the weather over discussing their actual lives with a vise like grip. Remember that next time you’re stuck in a small talk loop and ask yourself if you’re up for the challenge.
“He wanted a stop and chat with me, and I don’t know him well enough for a stop and chat!”
An easy way to guarantee you won’t have to perform mankind’s most cringe-worthy social ritual is by employing Newton’s First Law of Motion, i.e., keep moving. Like a shark or someone (like Larry) who doesn’t feel like permitting a relationship level jump just because someone else doesn’t understand that stop and chats are earned, not doled out haphazardly.
If you find yourself in this kind of situation and you really don’t care about that fast approaching person’s life, make the snap decision to politely say hello while evading their desperate attempt at something more. You’re doing a favor for the other party, really. The only thing worse than small talk is small talk with someone who is searching their mind for a hint at what your name is.
“When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don’t have to shake hands.”
One of life’s greatest dilemmas often occurs during seemingly-innocent social gatherings. I’m talking about the hand placement conundrum. Ricky Bobby had an issue with it in Talladega Nights and Larry David struggles with it on Curb Your Enthusiasm, most notably when being interrogated by Julia Louis Dreyfus over a water stain on an antique table.
For some reason, a soiree can cause a perfectly lucid person to suddenly forget how to operate their appendages. For Larry, the solution is to always have a drink at the ready. Not only does this occupy your hands making you feel confident and comfortable around a bunch of people you probably don’t know, but it also solves the issue of the dreaded hand shake, the first step on the conversation ladder. Once you shake someone’s hand, small talk is inevitable.
“I just… I can’t stand the sound of the human voice.”
Larry doesn’t seem the type for life mottos but if he did have one, it’d be this: A meaningful silence is always better than meaningless words or, in the case of the moment when he utters this line, song.
Look, dead air doesn’t always have to be filled with jibber jabber. It’s better to enjoy the quiet and tranquility of the moment (especially if that moment involves eating food) than scrambling to fill the silence with pointless chatter. No one cares how your friend Pam’s wart removal procedure went or how you had your identity stolen that one time on a trip to Mexico. Just take a breath, then another, then another and keep breathing through the quiet, giving yourself time to think of something worth adding to the conversation.
“Ever catch your parents having sex.”
If you ever find yourself auctioned off for charity, forced to have lunch with a complete stranger, and pressured to perform socially, just pull this old rabbit out of the hat. It’s blunt, socially shocking, and will force the conversation into one of two directions: either the person will decide to overshare about his or her parents’ kinky high jinks (which might be prettaaay, prettaaay… weird, but not boring) or your lunchmate will decide you’re a creep and a freak and promptly bugger off, leaving you to eat in peace. It’s not the most subtle conversation starter but if you’re trapped in an uncomfortable situation where small talk is completely unavoidable, what other option do you have?
“A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone.”
One of the best ways to avoid small talk is to not engage in behaviors and activities that encourage it. One such pastime: casual dating. Your friends might tell you it’s a great way to meet people, or feed you lies about how you need to get back out there after that messy divorce. They might throw words in your face like anti-social, cranky, cynical, a “loner” … don’t listen to them. Dating is like wading through a time-sucking swamp of weirdos, a**holes, and generally annoying people whose sole job is to judge your imperfections and decide if you’re worth their time. And the way they do that is through, you guessed it, small talk. You’ll be forced to use small talk to sell yourself — how many crazy childhood stories can you tell, what bit of news did you remember from your Twitter feed this morning that might be interesting? Just steer clear of the whole circus and chill by yourself. Larry would approve.
