Those of you who follow me on Twitter know that every now and again I’ll toss out a handful of fake TV pitches. Most of them are ideas for outlandish reality shows, but there are also some dramas and comedies sprinkled in. The crazy thing about these pitches is that no matter how hard I try to make them over the top and ridiculous, cable channels like TLC and Bravo stack their lineups with so much nonsense that it makes my fictional shows seem plausible. And if I can stress one thing to you above all else, it would be that I am an idiot. So that makes the programming departments of these channels, like, double idiots.
On the other hand, they’re the ones getting paid seven-figure salaries to come up with the same crap that I’m drunkenly giving away for free on Twitter… so maybe they’re not as dumb as I’m making them out to be. What’s important here this: I’ve got ideas, people. And I’m tired of not cashing in on them. So, to all the TV executives out there, consider the following pitches my audition.
Summary: Thirty strippers. Unlimited alcohol. One house. Hundreds of hidden switchblades.
Title: Stripper Knifefight House
Summary: Members of a fraternity are set up on blind dates with cougars… but there’s a twist.
Title: But, Brah… THAT’S MY MOM!
Summary: Nerdy, awkward men vie for the love of an giant Amazon woman who both frightens and excites them.
Summary: Dating show, but with swingers. A husband & wife must narrow down 40 couples and agree on a winner.
Title: I Don’t Want Your Wife
(Production Note: MUST be hosted by James Van Der Beek to give title maximum effect.)
Summary: The country’s best metal workers compete for the final few jobs left.
Title: America’s Last Top Blacksmith
Summary: Flat chested women compete in billiards tournament. Winner gets free breast implants.
Title: Rack ‘Em
Summary: A three-camera sitcom in which a Julian Assange-type is enlisted to try to track down Banksy. Every time he thinks he’s got him cornered, Banksy foils him by painting a monkey or something on Assange’s bedroom wall.
Title: Perfecter Strangers
Summary: Barren women compete in embarrassing challenges for money and use the cash to bid against each other for babies.
Title: Baby Auction
Summary: Contestants are locked in an underground shelter with their loved ones and a live bomb.
Title: So You Think You Can Defuse?
Summary: Doomsday theorists compete in a fiery, Caribbean dance competition with scantily clad partners.
Summary: Promiscuous women compete in a baking contest for large cash prizes. Hosted by Anthony Bourdain.
Title: Cake Harlots
Bonus Spinoff Idea: Same show, but with slutty little people.
Title: Cupcake Harlots
Summary: “Real World” alum and WWE Champion Mike “The Miz” Mizanin stars in a dating show where Broadway actresses vie for his affection.
Title: Lay Miz
Summary: Cheating spouses are tricked into thinking they contracted HIV in at attempt to stop their infidelity.
Title: Marital AIDS
Summary: Parents enter their young children in an MMA-themed reality show. Winner take all.
Title: America’s Toughest Toddler
(Unrelated note regarding the banner pic: That kid is awesome. I will not be entertaining counterarguments.)
Summary: Nuns compete in progressively more scandalous challenges in an attempt to raise money for underprivileged children. Hosted by Brody Jenner.
Summary: A one-hour dramedy where firemen heroically save an orphan in the pilot and raise her as their own. Lots of “stay off the pole” jokes.
Title: Firehouse Brat
Summary: Descendants of a wealthy person must compete in belittling challenges for their cut of the will. Losers get nothing.
Title: Bad Heir Day
Summary: Twenty blindfolded people each defecate into a container, then later try to identify which feces is theirs.
Title: THAT’S MY DOOTY!
Summary: Forty well-endowed Cuban refugees looking for a green card. One horny cougar.
Title: Cuban Missile Crisis
There you go, TV executives. That oughta wet your beak a little bit. And trust me, there’s PLENTY more where these came from. You would be very foolish to underestimate my capacity for generating nonsense ideas. Want proof? Fine. “Indi-Guest-tion”: a hidden camera show where producers plant a horrible house guest with a couple, and the guest makes their lives miserable until the big reveal at the end. I just came up with that RIGHT NOW AS I AM TYPING THIS PARAGRAPH.
I think you know what you have to do. I’ll be awaiting your offers.