The Rundown is a weekly column that highlights some of the biggest, weirdest, and most notable events of the week in entertainment. The number of items will vary, as will the subject matter. It will not always make a ton of sense. Some items might not even be about entertainment, to be honest. The important thing is that it’s Friday and we are here to have some fun.
ITEM NUMBER ONE — What’s all this then, Emilia Clarke?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZS6D5YHHxtE
Do you enjoy watching videos online? I do. In fact, I was watching a video online just this week when I saw this ad for Dolce & Gabbana perfume pop up during a break. And then it popped up again. And again. And again. And whooooops it’s the only thing I can think about now. The ad features Game of Thrones star Emilia Clarke and is somehow both more and less weird than most perfume and cologne commercials, which is really saying something because those commercials are always reliably nuts. Almost as nuts as Matthew McConaughey’s Lincoln commercials. That’s really saying something.
Anyway, after about five watches in 30 minutes (and because Game of Thrones doesn’t come back for weeks and the content machine never stops churning), I realized I need to talk about it. That’s just how my brain works. Otherwise, I would probably just start accosting strangers in the elevator about it, like “HAVE YOU SEEN EMILIA CLARKE’S PERFUME COMMERCIAL?” That won’t do at all. This is better. For me, at least. I don’t need people looking at me like that in cramped quarters.
Below, please find four questions about this minute-long ad. Thank you for humoring me.
What is going on here?
A logical place to start. And a simple one, in theory, because the official Dolce & Gabbana YouTube page provides this helpful description under the video.
Matteo Garrone films Emilia Clarke in an authentic trattoria in Rome. Emanating her natural warmth and characteristic charm, the protagonist reveals her talent as a singer. Together with friends and local musicians she sings “Quando, Quando, Quando” and is soon cheered on by the audience. Her voice and natural aura captures everyone’s attention: all eyes are on her, she is The Only One.
Seems like a bit of a leap to me, but fine. I can dig “an attractive blond lady starts singing in Italian and everyone turns and looks.” It’s the type of thing that only works in very specific situations, though. Emilia Clarke singing “Quando, Quando, Quando” on the balcony of a beautiful authentic trattoria in Rome is charming. Your Uncle Larry standing up at the table in an Olive Garden to belt out “That’s Amore” is… less so. What I’m saying here is to be very self-aware before you try this. Read the room. Look in the mirror quick to see if you are, in fact, Emilia Clarke. If you discover you are not, please reconsider.
Isn’t that a little pushy of the band?
I think it is. They slide up to the table while she’s having dinner with friends and they start playing the song very close to her. It’s one of those things that people love in movies and television shows and perfume commercials but is always about 60-70 percent more awkward than you expect in real life. And look at the guy with the guitar. It’s like he’s egging her on to start singing. What if she just wants to enjoy her Cacio e Pepe in peace, my dude? Leave Emilia Clarke alone.
Is the person in this commercial an unnamed character played by Emilia Clarke, or Emilia Clarke herself?
Here’s the really important question. Both answers are fascinating in their own way. The first one is fascinating because it raises about a million questions about the character’s backstory. (Does she live in Rome? Is she on vacation? Do people come up to her all the time like “You look just like the lady from the dragon show”?) The second one, though, is substantially more fascinating because it could lead to conversations like this from the other people in the restaurant.
MAN: What the… is that lady singing?
WOMAN: That’s weird.
MAN: She’s standing up now?
WOMAN: She’s actually pretty good. Ooo, people are standing and clapping.
MAN: Well, I’m not standing up and clapping.
WOMAN: Wait a second. Is that… she looks familiar. Honey, who is that?
MAN: Is it Shakira?
WOMAN: [frustrated] It’s not Shakira. It’s… oh, crap! That’s Khaleesi from Game of Thrones!
MAN: Oh wow, you’re right.
WOMAN: … Khaleesi knows Italian?
MAN: I guess so.
WOMAN: Stand up and take a video. I want to post this on Instagram.
MAN: I said I’m not standing up.
WOMAN: Goddammit, Trent.
Do you have a moment to discuss Engelbert Humperdinck?
I hope so. He sang a famous version of this song many years ago, which means I now have an excuse to show you this paragraph from his Wikipedia page. What you need to know before you start reading it is that Engelbert Humperdinck was not born Engelbert Humperdinck. He was born Arnold George Dorsey. How did he end up becoming Engelbert Humperdinck? Well…
In 1965, Dorsey teamed up with Gordon Mills, his former roommate in the Bayswater area of London, who had become a music impresario and the manager of Tom Jones. Mills, aware that Dorsey had been struggling for several years to become successful in the music industry, suggested a name change to the more arresting Engelbert Humperdinck, borrowed from the 19th-century German composer of operas such as Hansel and Gretel. Dorsey adopted the name professionally but not legally. Mills arranged a new deal for him with Decca Records, and Dorsey has been performing under this name ever since.
A deeply heartfelt shoutout to music impresario Gordon Mills for being like “Ayyyy buddy, I figured out how to get your career going. You need a new name. Just hear me out…” and having it work, both in that he convinced his friend to change his name to Engelbert Humperdinck and in that the dude’s career then took off. Imagine if you were an up-and-coming musician and someone suggested you change your name to Engelbert Humperdinck. Imagine explaining to your other friends that it’s your name now. Imagine telling, like, your mom. It’s incredible to me. I would watch an Engelbert Humperdinck biopic if and only if the re-creation of this conversation took up over half the movie.
I also don’t think we can rule out that Gordon Mills was just goofing around and the whole thing built up steam so fast he lost control of it. Or that it was a prank. Or that I really just wanted to type Engelbert Humperdinck a bunch of times today and that’s the real reason I wrote about this commercial. A lot to consider here.
ITEM NUMBER TWO — I’m just going to keep yammering about Documentary Now! until someone physically stops me
In my ongoing attempt to badger everyone into watching Documentary Now!, I present this screencap from the most recent episode, titled “Co-op” and based on the documentary Original Cast Recording: Company about the Stephen Sondheim musical. It is from a song titled “Holiday Party.” Vulture has more details.
While most Co-op songs are pastiche, there is a song that quite directly resembles a Sondheim tune: Co-op’s “Holiday Party,” written by [Seth] Meyers, directly recalls the breakneck pace of Company’s “Getting Married Today,” subbing in a story about doing too much cocaine at a holiday party for a woman’s wedding-day jitters.
The thing is: I don’t know if this was even the best song from the episode, which was written by John Mulaney and Seth Meyers. There are plenty of options. You should watch it. The reason I’m including it, however, is because the line in the screencap comes out of nowhere at the end of the first verse and then becomes the theme of the song, and when I watched the screener over a month ago I gasped with laughter.
Note the important part of that last sentence: I watched this screener over a month ago. That’s when IFC sent them out and, because I do not have the self-control to wait to consume things I like, that’s when I saw it. I’ve wanted to talk to people about it every day since then but I wasn’t allowed to. Do you understand? Over a month. I’m not built for that. It was breaking me. My point here is twofold: Documentary Now! is a good show and I would be the world’s worst spy in the world, no question.
ITEM NUMBER THREE — The Pelican Brief (kind of) called it!
The Pelican Brief has been running on HBO lately for reasons I do not understand but will not necessarily complain about. I will watch almost any Denzel Washington movie whenever it comes on, so I watched it again this week. It’s a good movie that is super rewatchable and none of that is why I mention a 1993 legal thriller today. I mention it for these two reasons:
- This series of screencaps depict the President of the United States pressuring the Director of the FBI to drop an investigation into a shady figure who was instrumental in getting him elected for the purpose of filling multiple Supreme Court vacancies
- This quote from the movie: “The campaign waged by the president was so ruthless in its manipulation of the middle-class fears of minorities … it had been so exploitive and divisive that it created a climate of distrust. “
So remember this the next time some political pundit is like “You couldn’t make this stuff up, folks.”
ITEM NUMBER FOUR — You don’t have to do that, Chris Evans
The 2019 Oscars are over and done with and more than enough words have been spilled about them this week. We are not going to discuss the ceremony itself. We are going to discuss parties. Specifically, we are going to discuss the Vanity Fair post-Oscars party, which was the subject of a New York Times article about how it was losing its mojo. Let’s check in with the LA Times recap of the festivities.
Glenn Close at the center of a dance circle, surrounded by the likes of Judd Apatow, Sam Rockwell and Marisa Tomei, boogieing so hard that she actually laid down on the ground as part of her routine.
Oh, hell yes. Get after it, Glenn Close. I’m picturing her breakdancing for some reason, like doing that move where you’re on your back and shoulders and spinning around with your legs in the air. If anyone has evidence to the contrary, please, for the love of God, keep it to yourself. Let me have this.
It wasn’t all rug-cutting and champagne-swilling, though. This is in there, too.
Chris Evans and Bill Maher, deep in conversation on the smoking patio, discussing something having to do with stem cells.
What the… What are you doing, Chris Evans? Why are you talking to Bill Maher about stem cells at the post-Oscar party? Did he trick you into it? Were you just trying to be polite, like “Oh, hey, Bill Maher” and then he used that as an opportunity to charge into a rant about it? Please don’t tell me you did this by choice. Glenn Close was right over there breakdancing! (Probably!) You could have been breakdancing with Glenn Close! And who even invited that ’90s relic Bill Maher anyway?
This almost sounds like something an agent would say to threaten his client. “You need to start taking this role seriously or next thing you know you’ll be stuck talking to Bill Maher about stem cells at a post-Oscars party.” I don’t like it.
ITEM NUMBER FIVE — Martha Stewart is here to get your dog high
Let’s check in with Martha Stewart. Via Reuters:
Lifestyle guru Martha Stewart is joining Canadian marijuana producer Canopy Growth as an adviser to help develop and launch a line of pot-based products for humans and animals, it said on Thursday.
The deal between Sequential Brands Group Inc, which owns the Martha Stewart brand, and Canopy will seek to leverage Stewart’s knowledge of consumer products in the launch of products based on CBD, the non-psychoactive chemical found in marijuana.
I don’t have much to add to that. I just wanted you to know that Martha Stewart is now making (non-psychoactive) (allegedly) edibles for pooches. I hope there’s an entire episode about it on the cooking show she does with Snoop Dogg. Martha Stewart is the coolest.
READER MAIL
If you have questions about television, movies, food, local news, weather, or, like, whatever you want, shoot them to me at brian.grubb@uproxx.com and put “RUNDOWN” in the subject line. I am the first writer to ever answer reader mail in a column. Do not look up this last part.
Kevin:
Will Stephen Dorff’s performance in True Detective lead to his own version of the McConaissance? I would imagine he at least gets an Emmy nomination here, but I have a new appreciation for his acting chops and would hope that he gets some better movie roles moving forward. But most importantly, what would we call the Dorff McConassiance?
This is an excellent question. Stephen Dorff was so good in the third season of True Detective. So, so good. I did not see that coming. He held his own in scenes with Mahershala Ali. A lot. For the entire season. It was crazy. I’m so happy for him.
The answer to the first part is… maybe. McConaughey already had a big-deal movie career that had fizzled a bit when True Detective came along. He was in Dazed and Confused and Amistad and A Time to Kill before he fell into the rom-coms and bongos and shirtless beach pictures slump. Dorff didn’t reach those highs or sink to those lows (at least as far as public mockery goes). He’s also not the sui generis goof that McConaughey is. He does have a great voice, though. Man, what I wouldn’t give to have that voice. I might start gargling gravel to see if I can make it happen.
The answer to the second part is tricky, too, in part because the trajectory of his career is different and in part because I’m bad at naming things. The only thing in my head right now is An Old Dorff Learns New Tricks, which is terrible. It doesn’t even make sense. I just replaced “dog” with “Dorff.” I’m only admitting to it because I feel it’s important to be honest with you. I’m not proud.
AND NOW, THE NEWS
To Oregon!
Yes, a llama rode a light rail train in Portland this weekend, TriMet confirmed Monday.
Well, there’s no way anyone can ruin this for me.
Caesar the No Drama Llama has a website, a social media director, multiple personal assistants and a handler named Larry McCool who says the camelid has a habit of making everyone smile wherever he goes.
Ahhhh, dammit. It was just a synthetic attempt at going viral. And everyone fell for it. Me included. Ugghhh I wanted this to be real. I wanted the llama to have boarded the train on its own. I wanted it so bad. Now I’m sad. Sad and mad. If you had told me last week that a llama boarded a train and a person named “Larry McCool” was involved and I would be bummed out about it, I would have cussed you out for being a liar from the future. Why would you tell me that? Tell me the Powerball numbers next time. Jesus Christ.
You will not be surprised to learn that the transit authorities were less than pleased about it, too.
“While we appreciate that Caeser is promoted as “The No Drama Llama”, and that he apparently was well-behaved during his ride, TriMet policy only allows service animals on TriMet vehicles,” Becker said in an email.
Put this llama in jail, in my opinion.
