TV

The Most Ridiculous Job Titles In ‘FBoy Island,’ Ranked

FBoy Island has been out on HBO Max for a few weeks now and I’m still not sure exactly where I stand on it. Whether it’s a must-watch trash reality show guilty pleasure, or just another trashy reality dating show that you can probably skip… probably your mileage may vary. Though it should be said that host Nikki Glaser is unusually good at zingers.

The concept, such as it is, is that three young women (all looking like varying degrees of Instagram model) go to an island with 24 hot, smooth-chested idiots to try to find love (what could go wrong?). The TWIST is that 12 of the men are self-described “nice guys” and 12 are avowed “f*ckboys.” Can the women figure out who is who BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE?

The central question is about how adept young women are at divining a potential mate’s motivations (spoiler alert: not very). Though there may be an even bigger unspoken one, about whether how young men see themselves, as either sweet romantics or as shark-eyed transactional sex pursuers, makes any substantive difference in their actions or their viability as mates. Leaving aside all those potential thesis topics (you’re welcome!), easily the best part of the show has been the broad cross-section of job titles.

After all, what kind of job must a person have in order to be able to quarantine for two weeks on the Cayman Islands, and then shoot a show for four or six or however many weeks, all for a chance at fleeting reality show psuedo-fame? It, uh, attracts an eclectic sort, let’s say. The best part of the show has been, for me, reading the descriptions of the contestants’ pre-show day jobs. Which usually only flash on the screen for few seconds, as they share their innermost thoughts on what it means to be a f*ckboy.

I thought these were worthy of preservation. Here are some of my favorite:

10. Tariq, the Forensic Nutritionist

HBO Max

What separates a nutritionist from a forensic nutritionist? Is that where you look at old pictures of a dead guy and try to figure out what he ate to make himself so ripped? “And here we have a portrait of Frederick the Great, who as you can see even in his old age still had lats for days. My conclusion is that he ate a lot of pheasants.”

9. CJ the Content Creator

HBO Max

It should be noted that these men are all competing partly for the affections of CJ, a “content creator” from Los Angeles. This title is funny more in its sheer predictability than its exoticism. CJ never says exactly what kind of “content” she creates but she does give us a tantalizing hint in her introductory confessional. I have recreated that for you here verbatim:

“I like funny guys. I like silly guys, I like dumb guys, like dumb and fun. Like if you’re too smart you’re not gonna love me pranking you and, like, pretending I’ve been arrested.”

I sure hope this modern-day Cinderella finds her Prince Charming to do cruel pranks on for clout.

8. Divij The Talent Agent

HBO Max

“I dunno, bro, I think I’m gonna sign with Divij. He just has so many industry connections from being on F*ckboy Island.”

7. Peter the Child Care Influencer

HBO Max

I know that this technically says child care SLASH influencer, which I assume means that Peter is a professional babysitter with a spirited Instagram, but I prefer to interpret it as him being an actual childcare influencer. Like, “What’s up, guys, it’s Peter here and today I’m going to teach you how to burp a baby. Smash that like button, and don’t forget to subscribe and sound off in the comments.”

6. Cameron the Exotic Dancer/Realtor

HBO Max

Being an exotic dancer who also sells houses is almost quaintly old-fashioned in the context of this show. For one thing, both of those are real jobs (well, more the first than the second but still). Also, I imagine, pretty mundane in Las Vegas. Cameron rules. I hope Cameron wins this show and then twerks off into the sunset.

5. Chaun The Image Consultant

HBO Max

Chaun, who we later find out used to be a Chippendales dancer, is an “image consultant.” He is going to help the rest of these guys grow their influencer followings. (Incidentally, my browser redlines “influencer.” Oh to be that innocent again.)

4. Greg the TikToker

HBO Max

Of COURSE there’s a professional TikToker on this show. Of course.

I’m a joker, I’m a smoker, I’m pro Tik Toker…
I mouth the music in my meeeeeeemes…

3. Israel the CBD Entrepreneur

HBO Max

I’m not ridiculing CBD as a profession, but I’d be really curious to see which part of the supply chain Israel works on. I’d like to think he makes the marketing materials “more edgy.”

2. Garrett M the Bitcoin Investor

HBO Max

Garrett M (yes, there is another Garrett on the show, a dead-eyed fireman who writes bad poetry) is one of the dullest human beings alive and I haven’t even heard him say the word “crypto” yet. The Libertarians should make him their next nominee for president. This screenshot was an accident, but I feel it’s the most accurate representation of Garrett M. Do you think he shaves that little patch of skin in the middle of his mustache or it grows that way naturally?

1. Paul the Fridge Deliverer

HBO

Paul is a blissed-out, weirdly jacked surfer bro with glorious hair from the north end of San Diego County, who delivers refrigerators for a living. Or so the producers would have us believe. There is a near-zero chance that Paul makes it to the end of this show, but the producers have included him for obvious reasons. He may get his own spinoff reality show on Discovery+.

Anyway, that’s it for my favorite job titles so far. It should be noted that I’m only about three and half episodes in at this point, so there could be more. Especially since the funniest thing about this show, behind the contestants’ job titles, is the way a guy will just randomly show up as a character two or three episodes in without any previous introduction or a second of camera time. –Vince, reality dating show job ranker

Tenor

LATE BREAKING UPDATE!

After we originally went to press, new contestants joined the show, giving us this additional gem:

HBO Max

How did Jomar become Dancemaster? He had to defeat the previous Dancemaster in a dance combat.

‘FBoy Island’ is currently available on HBO Max. Vince Mancini is on Twitter. You can access his archive of reviews here.

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