There are, of course, too many television shows. The downside of this is that you’re never seeing everything and you’re always missing something good. The upside, though, is that it gives you an opportunity to be a rascal. That’s what we’re doing here. Just some harmless goofs. As in previous editions, we have come up with a few made-up shows and given you just enough background to try and convince someone they are real. It’s good to have fun.
Bleak
Degree of difficulty: 4
What it is, allegedly: A dark and depressing drama about a depressed lawyer who is grinding out a depressing living by representing small-time crooks. That’s it. There’s no action. Every episode is 90-120 minutes long and it’s just him sitting in his dark office and drinking and the whole thing is shot in that muted blue-ish tint they use on, like, Ozark.
Bonus points if: You can convince someone the lawyer’s name is Wally Bleak.
Sample conversation:
THE MARK: I dunno, man. I’m just looking for a light and easy show to watch.
YOU: Ugh, tell me about it. I started watching Bleak the other day and I just couldn’t do it.
THE MARK: What’s Bleak?
YOU: Oh man, it’s this awful, boring, depressing show. All the episodes are like two hours long and nothing happens. The main character, Wally Bleak, just mopes around defending criminals.
THE MARK: His name is Wally Bleak?
YOU: Yeah, I think it’s, like, a metaphor. I don’t know. Each episode costs something like $13 million and I don’t think anyone watches it. But it won a Golden Globe last year so I guess someone is happy with it.
THE MARK: Oh wow, I don’t remember that at all.
Pie in Your Eye
Degree of difficulty: 5
What it is, allegedly: A baking competition show that features three teams preparing a cake or pie using a secret ingredient that is only revealed to them at the start of the show. The twist is that, at the end, after the best dessert is chosen, the winning team gets to smash the losing teams’ pies in their faces.
Bonus points if: You can convince someone it’s hosted by Martha Stewart.
Sample conversation:
THE MARK: It’s dumb how there are a million shows but nothing I want to watch.
YOU: I know. I actually watched like 10 episodes of Pie in Your Eye the other day.
THE MARK: What’s that?
YOU: Oh, it’s this cooking show on a Plorpz Premium, this new streaming service I have a trial of. People make pies and then the winners get to smash the losers’ pies in their faces.
THE MARK: I’m kinda surprised that didn’t already exist.
YOU: True. I don’t know, it’s weirdly addictive. Martha Stewart hosts and she gets way into it.
THE MARK: Wait… the Martha Stewart?
YOU: Dude. She gets really intense in the pie-smashing parts. The one episode I swear her eyes went black and she shouted “CREAM THAT PIECE OF SHIT” at a reluctant contestant.
THE MARK: Damn. Martha doesn’t play.
YOU: Not even a little.
Shoots & Ladders
Degree of difficulty: 7
What it is, allegedly: A gritty reimagining of the beloved children’s board game Chutes and Ladders. Organized crime boss Victor St. Aspen lives on the top floor of a downtown high-rise and local loose cannon cop Lance Sandiego has had enough. He storms the building and works his way through St. Aspen’s goons one floor at a time. What he doesn’t know is that the building is booby-trapped and he’ll sometimes end up sliding down to the bottom floor and be forced to start over.
Bonus points if: You can convince someone the show is in its third season and Lance Sandiego still hasn’t gotten past the 10th floor.
Sample conversation:
YOU: Do you watch Shoots & Ladders?
THE MARK: Wait. Like the game?
YOU: Kind of. It’s like a gritty version of it. Kind of like The Raid but with slides hidden in trap doors. It’s super violent. And it’s spelled “Shoots” like “shooting a gun.”
THE MARK: This is getting completely out of hand.
YOU: That’s the thing… it’s actually pretty good. The action scenes are nuts. This season there was an entire episode that was a single uninterrupted shot of a gunfight on the 10th floor of the bad guy’s building. It was crazy.
THE MARK: How many floors are in the building?
YOU: 100.
THE MARK: Why doesn’t he just take the elevator?
YOU: Because it’s a trap. That was the season one finale. He has to work his way up floor-by-floor.
THE MARK: And he’s only on the 10th?
YOU: Oh no. Not anymore.
THE MARK: How close is he n-
YOU: He fell down a trap door at the end of that episode and slid back down to the lobby. He’s starting all over again next season.
Sunbathers: Stranded
Degree of difficulty: 8
What it is, allegedly: A second spinoff of the hit series Sunbathers — a fictional show that stars David Schwimmer as a small business owner named Dale Sunbather who is trying to navigate a mob-run Florida beach town, which got a fictional spinoff set in Monte Carlo — that focuses on members of the Sunbather family that got marooned on an island in the Pacific on their way to open a franchise in Thailand.
Bonus points if: You basically just start describing Lost about halfway in.
Sample conversation:
YOU: Hey, did you ever start watching Sunbathers?
THE MARK: [lying] Oh… yeah.
YOU: Did you hear it’s getting another spinoff?
THE MARK: Didn’t it just get one a few months ago?
YOU: Yeah but this one is all new. A bunch of distant relative Sunbathers are flying to Thailand to open a new franchise but their plane crashes on a mysterious island.
THE MARK: So it’s like Lost?
YOU: No, it’s totally different.
THE MARK: Ahhh.
YOU: So anyway, this monster made of smoke shows up and…
The Flask
Degree of difficulty: 9
What it is, allegedly: A mobile-only series, based on a popular podcast, that is available only through a new app called Prestigr. The first season consists of 60 8-minute episodes that slowly unravel a murder mystery piece-by-piece and reveal how an ornate jewel-encrusted flask was both the motive and murder weapon in a conspiracy that reaches into the highest levels of government.
Bonus points if: You can convince someone the show stars Will Smith.
Sample Conversation:
THE MARK: I’m just sick of these extended episodes, man. I don’t have time for all that.
YOU: Yeah, that’s why I’ve been checking out The Flask, that new mobile show starring Will Smith.
THE MARK: I don’t think I’ve heard of this.
YOU: Oh yeah, it’s this new app-based show that has a million 8-minute episodes. One comes out every day. Will Smith is investigating a murder and how this jewel-encrusted flask is involved. Super suspenseful.
THE MARK: Will Smith is starring in a web series that you watch on your phone? Damn. The future is weird.
YOU: Dude, that’s not even the best part.
THE MARK: Well, what is?
YOU: In episode 38, he gets a new partner and the partner is played by Martin Lawrence.
THE MARK: Bad Boys reunion!
YOU: Yeah, it’s just a shame the app costs $99.
THE MARK: What?!
Inspector Chambersbridge
Degree of difficulty: 10
What it is, allegedly: A British series about a detective named Nigel Chambersbridge who is investigating the case of missing member of the royal family.
Bonus points if: You can convince someone that Nigel Chambersbridge is a dog.
Sample conversation:
YOU: Yo, I saw the craziest thing yesterday.
THE MARK: What?
YOU: So it’s this British mystery, right? And it’s about a missing member of the royal family. And it opens with this long voiceover bit where the main character, Inspector Nigel Chambersbridge, gives the whole backstory over a montage of various royal family things. And then it gets to the end and the camera pulls into his office and guess what.
THE MARK: I give up.
YOU: It turns out he’s a dog!
THE MARK: Like a cartoon dog?
YOU: Nope! A real dog!
THE MARK: And the rest of the characters are…
YOU: Human!
THE MARK: And the dog is, what, like talking mutant superhero?
YOU: That’s the best part. He’s just a dog. And no one ever acknowledges it. They’re just like “Any leads, Nigel” and he barks at them and the voiceover explains what he’s thinking.
THE MARK: So it’s… a comedy?
YOU: Nope! It’s a straightforward British mystery. Just with a dog.
THE MARK: Wow.
