Game of Thrones is lousy with dragons. There are dragons in every teaser and trailer and in a bunch of scenes, just swooping off in the distance or burning dozens of enemy warriors to death for the crime of looking at Daenerys the wrong way or maybe trying to murder her. Dragons galore. I mean, technically there are only three dragons on the show, but still. That’s three more dragons than there are on, say, Halt and Catch Fire, even though “Halt and Catch Fire” is exactly what those enemy warriors did on Game of Thrones, now that I think about it. The shows should really think about switching titles. Or Halt and Catch Fire should introduce a dragon next season. He can program computers and hate Joe, like everyone else.
I’m sorry. I’m already off-topic. What I’m trying to say is that Game of Thrones has plenty of dragons, still, entering its seventh season. What it is running low on, however, is giants.
Who was your favorite giant on Game of Thrones? Mine was Wun-Wun, the 20-foot tall Wildling warrior and people smasher. Man, Wun-Wun was the best. A battle would start and everyone would run around grabbing their swords to get into fighting position and all their strategy and effort would become immediately futile because he would just march in and pick someone up and slam them into a wall or tear their body in half. It was kind of hilarious, in a way, like the scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark where the guy squares off with Indiana Jones and does all his intimidating sword tricks and then Indy just pulls out a gun and shoots him. But more… what’s the word I’m looking for here? Rippy?
Yeah, “rippy” will work.
But then, tragedy, as Wun-Wun died via barrage of arrows after beating down a castle door to get to Ramsay Bolton, the more bastard-y of the bastards in the battle. The interesting thing about this method of death is that it was actually the second time in a few episodes that a mostly non-verbal giant — or at least a really, really big dude — died by sacrificing himself in a door-related act of heroism. The only difference was the direction the door was going: Hodor died after trying to “hold the door” closed to save Bran, Wun-Wun died after bashing one open to help Jon. My two beautiful large sons, gone forever because children raised by the goddamn Stark family can’t figure out deadbolts. It’s maddening.
And look at where it leaves us. Without Wun-Wun or Hodor running — okay, plodding — here and there protecting our heroes, tossing evildoers about, and just being awesome and huge, in general, we’re now heading into the seventh season of the show and there is nary a lovable giant to be seen. Oh sure, we’ve still got some Cleganes floating around, if you can consider them giants, which I suppose I have to since I lumped Hodor in with Wun-Wun to make a point. But Sandor aka The Hound talks entirely too much and has a long history of being not-great, a few Arya-related moments excluded. And Gregor aka The Mountain has the silent part down, but is also now a somewhat undead soulless killing machine in the employ of Cersei Lannister, so that really won’t do either. I can’t work with this at all. I need a better giant. Gimme a better giant!
The way I see it, there are really only three options here:
OPTION #1 – Wun-Wun must have a long-lost twin brother who shows up to help Jon and Sansa
I will also settle for just a second Wildling giant who isn’t related to him. There’s no reason the show can’t do this. Once you open the door (sorry, too soon), you’ve created a world where there are giant Wildlings, and adding another one is no big deal. Maybe it’s not his brother. Maybe it’s his son. Maybe he’s out for vengeance now that someone killed his dad. Again, just spitballing.
OPTION #2 – One of the Cleganes must become, like, cool
Acceptable, I guess, but not ideal. There’s something that feels right about The Mountain’s current place in the universe, and it raises the possibility that someone will have to slay him to get to Cersei. I sincerely hope it is Arya, just because of the size differential. I would like to see her scale him and take him down like a house cat assassinating a bear. And Sandor… I don’t know. Even if he gets cool and does battle with his brother in the long-discussed, possibly-mythical CleganeBowl, he’s still not really that big, and not nearly as charming.
This leads us to our best hope…
#OPTION 3 – Tormund must grow 10-15 feet taller between seasons
Please and thank you.
