The season finale of Game of Thrones is upon us. There is, to put it mildly, a lot going on. Jon and the Wildlings have taken back Winterfell — with a big assist from Littlefinger — and now they need to figure out what to do going forward, Tommen has gone full naive rube and joined the High Sparrow, Daenerys just nuked half a navy and formed an allegiance with Yara, and Arya is… somewhere, presumably still on her way home. Let’s see what kind of light the official episode synopsis can shed on this:
Cersei faces her trial.
Fair enough!
As always, the real analysis of all of this is better left to the experts, so instead, here are some highly unlikely conversations based on the official photos for the episode, titled “The Winds of Winter.” I was gonna do one for the one of Bran at the top of the page, but all I could come up with was a single, “Hey girl.” I stand by it.
TYRION: You wouldn’t believe how crazy things have been here since you left. I have to get you caught up. But first, how have you been?
DAENERYS: Pretty good.
TYRION: Tell me everything.
DAENERYS: Well, after I escaped the fighting pit on my dragon, I was taken hostage by a Dothraki army, who were set to do unspeakable things to me until I informed them that I was a Khaleesi, the wife of the fallen Khal Drogo.
TYRION: Wow, that reminds me of the negotiation I had with the Mas-…
DAENERYS: The other Khals wanted to essentially imprison me along with the other widowed Khaleesis, but then I ran into Jorah and Daario, who wanted to liberate me but actually just gave me an idea…
TYRION: …
DAENERYS: So what I did was, when the other Khals called me into the temple to decide my fate, I called them all spineless impotent cowards and told them they could all go take turns sitting on a pineapple for all I cared…
TYRION: Holy crap.
DAENERYS: … and then after they more or less threatened to sexually violate me until I died, I barred the doors and kicked over a bunch of torches and the temple went up in flames like it had been wiped down with gasoline, and their screams filled the night sky like the wails of tortured demons as I watched them all burn to death in front of me…
TYRION: Jesus!
DAENERYS: … and then, after the last bit of life had left the last of the Khals, I exited the temple, unburnt but totally unclothed, and stood there naked in the flames in front of hundreds of thousands of Dothraki, who then kneeled before me and proclaimed me their first ever female leader.
TYRION: Wow.
DAENERYS: What about you?
TYRION: … Uh… so Missandei told me this joke…
BRONN: Guess how many ants an anteater eats in a day.
JAIME: I really do not want t-…
BRONN: Ah, come on. We’ll be riding for days. Humor me.
JAIME: Ugh, fine. I don’t know… 800 ants.
BRONN: Not even close. Guess again.
JAIME: 4,000 ants.
BRONN: Not even warm yet.
JAIME: Bronn, I really do not care how many ants an anteater eats in a d-…
BRONN: Ahhh don’t be a nance. Two more guesses.
JAIME: 10,000.
BRONN: Nope.
JAIME: 20,000.
BRONN: Nope.
JAIME: I give up, tell me.
BRONN: 35,000 ants, every day. Imagine being the poor bloke who had to figure that out, just sitting around, counting ants as they get sucked to their death. “25,341, 25,342, 25,3-… ah, crap. I lost count. Guess I’ll have to start over tomorrow.”
JAIME: Was there a point to any of this?
BRONN: What?
JAIME: A point. A lesson we can take away from it. Anything resembling a moral.
BRONN: Sure.
JAIME: And what might that be?
BRONN: Anteaters eat a f*ckin’ lot of ants.
JAIME: So what, are you guys doing like a murder-mystery thing tonight?
WALDER FREY: What is that supposed to mean?
JAIME: Oh… oh. I just thought, you know, with the whole Disney Haunted Mansion thing… the candles set up in the vampire-esque candlestick with their flames flickering in the light breeze, on the verge of blowing out at any moment. I thought maybe you guys were doing a little dinner theater or something.
WALDER FREY: This is how I always decorate my castle.
JAIME: No no, I get it now. It’s, uh… it’s…
WALDER FREY: Do you not like it?
JAIME: Oh gosh. Oh no. It’s… great. Very, uh, classic Middle Ages, you know? Very you.
WALDER FREY: Because I’ve been thinking about adding a skylight to open the place up a bit.
HIGH SPARROW: … but before I rule on your fate, Loras Tyrell, I’d like to tell a story. You see, I used to be a wealthy man, and…
LORAS TYRELL: Wait. Is this the hangover story? Again?
HIGH SPARROW: What?
LORAS TYRELL: Is this the same story you’ve been telling for weeks, about how you had your religious awakening after some party?
HIGH SPARROW: Young man, this is not a just a story. It is a parable. It is the foundation of our entire belief syste-…
LORAS TYRELL: Kill me.
HIGH SPARROW: Excuse me?
LORAS TYRELL: Just kill me now. I plead guilty. I’ll say whatever you want me to say. Anything to avoid hearing that story again.
HIGH SPARROW: But I was going to let you liv-…
LORAS TYRELL: Do you have any idea how many times I’ve heard that story? I’ve been a prisoner for months. Every time a new person came in, they’d say “Let me tell you a story,” and then they told me about you and your idiot drunk friends.
HIGH SPARROW: Well there’s certainly more to it than th-…
LORAS TYRELL: There isn’t, though! Your rich friends got drunk and they were smelly and naked the next morning and it made you sad! That’s it! Everyone knows it’s a dumb story! Ask this guy, he knows!
HIGH SPARROW: Is this true, my son?
GUY WHO WE’RE GOING TO CALL NORM: I… uh… we…
LORAS TYRELL: See?!
HIGH SPARROW: Well, this is unsettling.
LORAS TYRELL: Thank you!
HIGH SPARROW: Maybe if I just tell it one more time…
DAVOS: Dammit, bring him back!
MELISANDRE [off-screen]: I’m doing the best I can!
DAVOS: You did it before, just do it again. Sponge him down!
MELISANDRE: It’s not that simple. I can only do what the Lord of the L-…
DAVOS: Don’t give me that mystical hooey, just do it!
MELISANDRE: I… I’m trying!
DAVOS: You listen to me you no-good, child-murdering devil woman. In a world of bastards and thieves and whores, he’s the only one who had any dignity, any grace. I’ll not let him die and neither will you. We’ll stay here all night if we have to.
MELISANDRE: Okay, okay. Let me try one more thing…
[Melisandre begins sponge-bathing the corpse’s privates]
DAVOS: Keep going! It’s working! Faster! It’s…
[the corpse gasps and sits up abruptly]
LARRY IN THE BACK ROW: Whooooaaaaa. That was awesome. I’m alive!
