When the Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber aired last night, most of us were prepared for merciless pot shots aimed at the 21-year-old pop star. Even the best jokes leaked ahead of time, and the record reflected that Hannibal Buress dropped some of the best lines in his major league debut. Among the scene-stealers were Martha Stewart, who deadpanned her way into some vulgar race and prison jokes, and Pete Davidson, who was quick to use his life’s tragedy as a basis for Bieber zingers. Brave, to say the least. Maybe most terrible of all were the tons and tons of jokes aimed at Shaq and Natasha Leggero’s sex lives. The comedians spared no detail, hugging each other and Bieber afterwards to show that it was all in good-natured fun.
Judge for yourself.
Here are the dirtiest, most vulgar jokes from the Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber:
Kevin Hart:
Justin Bieber has tens of millions of fans. Most of them are in middle schools or standing at least 500 feet away from one.
There’s a even wax figure of Justin at Madame Tussaud’s in London. It’s incredibly life-like. I’ve seen it. He’s face-down in a wax Usher’s lap. It’s weird. That’s a dick-sucking joke. We off to a start.
Martha Stewart, put your ankle bracelet on vibrate. We don’t want no problems in here.
Dude, you got caught peeing on a video in a mop bucket.
Why are these idiots who work for you taping you pissing? When someone’s filming you taking a piss, if you don’t want ‘em to tape you, you turn around, you say, “Turn the goddamn camera off!” Unless it’s mandatory. Like Snoop pissing in front of his parole officer. That’s different. Snoop, that guy’s gotta see your dick, I get it.
A lot of people give you flack for taking your shirt off. If you can take your shirt off, do it as much as you goddamn can. Shaq hasn’t taken his shirt off since high school. Jeff Ross hasn’t taken his shirt off since pre-school.
Martha Stewart had her shirt off in my dressing room. Don’t get the wrong idea. She just wanted me to titty-f*ck her.
Justin Bieber’s manager, Scooter, found Justin in the middle of the night — in the middle of the night — he found a white boy with nice hair on YouTube. Sounds to me like he was fresh off a dick-beating session. I don’t know where Chris Hansen is, but he missed one.
Justin sang the n-word on a song that was about killing black people. That’s pretty goddamn gangster Justin, I’ma give you that.
You know who didn’t get caught saying the n-word on tape? The billion other white people who use it. I’m talking about you, Martha. I know you say it. I know you’re thinking it right now. “Look at this lil’ n*gger over here in his n*gger tux. With his lil n*gger shoes, look at him. Up there dancing.”
You bought a monkey. You abandoned the monkey in Germany. What the f*ck was that? You abandoned a monkey in Germany. That was a privileged Beverly Hills monkey. You showed him your lifestyle, and then you dropped him off in Germany? Now that monkey’s turned out in German zoo, sucking rhino dick ‘cause of your bad decisions.
Pete Davidson:
It’s an honor to be at a roast hosted by Shaq’s dick.
Martha, it’s nice to see you interacting with black people for the first time since prison.
Martha’s so old, her first period was the Renaissance.
Let’s hear it for Shaq. Thanks for being here and taking a break from throwing barrels at Super Mario.
Shaq has shattered eight backboards and 79 cervixes.
My castmate Kate McKinnon does a perfect Justin impression… right down to the clit.
Justin has “this doesn’t count” tattooed right above his asshole.
Ludacris:
Snoop, you only do it “Doggystyle” now because it’s easier on your lower back.
Justin, you’re not gangster. You’ve been on Ellen 14 times. You act so much like a pussy on the show, she tried to eat you.
Then, a couple more from MC Kevin Hart as he introduced his other roasters:
Everything I’ve learned about being a whore in this industry, I’ve learned from Natasha Leggero. You may remember her from Reno 911 as a whore on drugs. Or from Neighbors… as a whore on drugs.
Natasha Leggero:
Shaq’s dick is so big, he has to use Dropbox to send a dick pic.
Sorry, let me just take a second on the dais to explain to the black guys what a father is.
All these rappers on stage, and Martha Stewart has done the most jail time.
Justin’s fans are called Beliebers. Because these days, it’s politically incorrect to use the term “retards.”
Justin, you’ve been on Ellen more than a pussy juice mustache.
Justin was born to a teenage single mom. No wonder he’s got moves. He was in the womb dodging a coat hanger.
Justin, Selena Gomez had to f*ck you! She is literally the least lucky Selena in all of entertainment history.
Shaquille O’Neal:
Justin, what are you doing dropping $75k in a Miami strip club? I heard the DJ played one of your songs, and the dancers complained their pussies were drying up.
Chris D’Elia:
Give it up for Kevin. He’s here because he can’t say no to anything. Last week, he hosted an ISIS beheading video on Reddit.
Justin, why are you here this is a terrible idea. You’re about to get f*cked harder than Orlando Bloom f*cked Selena Gomez.
Martha Stewart:
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When Kevin finally made his first big paycheck, he spent it on a $150,000 watch. I forget the term for that. It’s not “African-American rich”… it’ll come to me. Justin, you know the word.
The bedroom is the most important room in the house. But I don’t have to tell you that, Ludacris. You have three kids by three different women. May I suggest pulling out for once and finishing on some fine Martha Stewart bed linens?
You would never know that Snoop is 43 now, which is three times as long as actual dogs live. And twice as long as most of his friends.
Natasha, you were great in Snoop’s porn movie. I guess tonight is the second time you’ve worked with five black guys.
I do a lot of gardening, but you are the dirtiest used-up hoe I have ever seen.
When a woman is as sexually active as you are, they have to take special care of their body. I’ve come up with a douce that no one has ever heard of. You know, like Chris D’Elia.
Hannibal, I’ve been trying to remember all night who you remind me of. Then it hit me, you look just like the Gingerbread Man I left in the oven too long.
When I did my stretch, all the hoodrats on my block wanted to break off a piece of Martha Stewart’s ass, so I decided some bitch needed to get got. I walked into the chow hall, picked out the biggest bull dike, and I stuck her. From then on, prison was easier than making blueberry scones.
Jeff Ross:
Justin, you haven’t put out an album in three years. If you listen closely, you can hear the sound of One Direction f*cking your fans.
Martha Stewart is here because Paula Deen refused to sit with this many black people. What is this, the Comedy Central March on Ferguson?
Martha, I wanna f*ck you so bad. I bet your pubic hair is 50 shades of grey.
Shaq was the original 2 Chainz ’cause that’s how he was brought into this country.
Shaq’s dick is so big, he uses it as a seflie stick.
The only person who’s inhaled more smoke than Snoop is Pete Davidson’s dad inside the World Trade Center.
I’m sorry, Shaq. I know that was your favorite building to climb.
The roast fans really want blood this time. Even though most of your fans haven’t even gotten their periods yet.
Selena Gomez wanted to be here, but she’s dating men now. That’s right, Selena Gomez f*cked this guy! Proving, once again, that Mexicans will do the disgusting jobs Americans just won’t do.
You said Anne Frank woulda been a Belieber. If Anne Frank heard your music, she would’ve Uber’d to Auschwitz.
Bieber, we’ve all seen your ads. Don’t worry, you’re not the first youngster to have Calvin Klein wedged in your asshole.
Justin’s ass is like a movie ticket because it was ripped apart by an Usher.
Snoop:
Kevin’s from Philadelphia, just like Bill Cosby. And just like Bill Cosby, women can’t tell when Kevin’s inside of ‘em.
Natasha, I seen how you was looking at me. What I wanna know is… have you ever sucked a black dick before? Hey, I’m going off-script right now. I just really wanna know.
Hannibal Buress, you the only Bill Cosby accuser making money off him.
Justin, you’ve released so many horrible, unwatchable videos, you should change your name to Vanilla ISIS.
When Justin got arrested, he had a big smile in his mugshot. Not because he gangster, because he knows what goes on in jail.
Kevin Hart then resurrected his blue comedy to refer to Snoop’s colorful language:
I just want to speak for all the black people. I don’t know how many “n*ggas” we’re allowed to say on the show, but I definitely think Snoop used ’em all. We’re done.
If you hadn’t had enough risque Cosby jokes, here’s Kevin with another:
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I want you to meet the man who’s so slow and drowsy, you would think Bill Cosby drugged him.
The moment that many had been waiting for came at the end of the show. Hannibal Buress ran wild with his references:
Snoop, the only way you’ll get another hit is if you stand behind Suge Knight’s car in a parking lot.
Pete Davidson’s got a lot going on. Pete, I don’t know how you can juggle SNL, stand-up and Lorne Michaels’ balls in your mouth at the same time.
Natasha Leggero is here, which means there’s a bachelor party right now discovering that their cake is empty. I’m not saying Natasha’s a whore, but I’m saying that Shaq can fit both feet in her pussy.
You gotta give it up for Justin. He started from the bottom. And he’s still a bottom.
I hate your music more than Bill Cosby hates my comedy.
