Everyone has that moment in the middle of the work day: You’re lost in the throes of some mundane task and you start to wonder what it would take for you to escape your job. You just started teaching yourself how to play the guitar. How many more YouTube tutorials before you can chase your rock star dreams? Maybe you’ll self-publish that vampire novel and become the next Stephenie Meyer. That curiosity over whether or not you can turn a hobby or side job into a career is the stuff of daydreams as you eat your latest mixed berry yogurt at your desk.
The employees of Dunder Mifflin were no different. The Office always painted a fairly realistic (albeit heightened) picture of what the life of an average desk drone looked like, and with that came the creative aspirations and side hustles that are becoming more and more common. However, the question remains: was anyone at Dunder Mifflin on to something or were they all just paying way too much attention to a pipe dream? Let’s take a look and rank them based on the chances of success.
10. Creed’s Crime
There has never been a creepier officemate than Creed Bratton. Between the mung beans ripening in his desk, endless dead-eyed stares, and the feeling that he’s never actually absorbed one bit of information in all his time at Dunder Mifflin, Creed might be the employee from hell. Worst of all? Showing up to work spattered in blood. Something tells me that this murder/vampire hunting/unlicensed butcher work could possibly send Creed to prison, not down a new career path as the next Buffy (although, admittedly, I would watch that show.)
9. Andy’s Viral Fame
Although Vine has gone the way of Friendster, the power of YouTube remains strong. However, in terms of career longevity, one viral video is not going to do it. Sure, your meltdown might get you mocked on SNL like Andy or, if you’re lucky, a spot on Ellen, but is humiliating yourself in front of millions worth it? Please stop nodding your head. Being forever remembered as the guy who had a breakdown about an acapella competition is not worth potentially dancing with Degeneres.
8. Kelly And Erin’s Girl Group
Making it in the music business is a very tricky thing (just ask Andy). Sometimes, you just get the timing right and it’s lightning in a bottle. More often than not, it’s a soon to be cringe-worthy music video floating around online. While Kelly and Erin tried (probably harder than they should) to essentially turn Kesha’s sensibilities into a hilariously watered down girl group, Subtle Sexuality probably wasn’t destined to dominate the Coachella stage… or the Scranton bar mitzvah circuit.
7. Michael’s Screenwriting
Go into any coffee shop in America and you are bound to find someone working on their screenplay. Whether this is a new endeavor or something that has been waiting in the wings for a decade, the dream that somehow you’ll get it into the right hands is an undying one. All first-time screenwriters have to start somewhere, but unfortunately, Michael does not have the gift. After eleven years of writing, rewriting (someone had to spell check “Dwigt”), shooting, and editing Threat Level Midnight, the “epic” showdown between Agent Michael Scarn and Goldenface is probably not going to be burning up the megaplex anytime soon.
6. Jan’s Candles
In today’s world, having a successful Etsy shop is becoming more and more of an actual career path. If you somehow find that perfect mix of a quality product and the dedication to work late nights making candles, doilies, jean jacket pins, or whatever, then you can make a tidy sum that will keep your lights on and your dog fed. However, Jan unfortunately lacked the talent, awareness, and self-control that is essential to running a small, craft driven business. If your candles make people want to hurl at first smell, you might need to rethink your business model and stop draining your boyfriend’s already strapped bank account.
5. Pam’s Art
Ask anyone who has been to art school about their job prospects, and you’ll probably find yourself faced with some harsh realities. Even if you have considerable talent, it can be hard to break into the art scene and find appreciation (and money) for your work. Pam Beesley is easily the most sympathetic character from The Office, so the realistic pathway of giving your dreams a real go before deciding that something else might be in store for you is equal parts hopeful and heart-wrenching. In an ideal world, Pam keeps painting, but it will probably remain firmly in the hobby stage.
4. Ryan’s (And Kelly’s) WUPHF
Finding an app that makes people’s lives better while also being an original idea is a tricky thing, and that kind of nuance and innovation is not Ryan’s strong suit. The man is a weasel (as evidenced by the fact that he stole Kelly’s idea), but he isn’t nearly as smart as he thinks he is. Sorry, Ryan, you will not be the next Zuckerberg. However, at least you made some money on the domain name?
3. David Wallace’s “Suck It” Hoodies
Since David Wallace sold his toy sucking vacuum cleaner — Suck It! — to the United States military for radioactive waste removal for $20 million dollars, you would think that he would be higher on this list. With some sensible investments, the guy was set for life. Unfortunately, he managed to be conned by Andy into buying out Dunder Mifflin with his entrepreneurial gains, once again getting sucked into a terrible company that has only caused him grief. David Wallace, you were golden and you threw it away. You could have lived out your days in peace, but instead, you’re back behind a desk.
2. Jim’s Sports Marketing Business
Jim had the right personality as a charismatic bro to make it in the sports world. However, starting a new business can be terribly risky, especially when you’re investing a lot of your own money (and not telling your wife, ugh, Jim). Still, Jim would never have been content working at Dunder Mifflin for the rest of his career, so taking that risk did pay out for him in the end. From the looks of things, Jim’s life ended up more Jerry Maguire than Office Space, so I guess you could say he worked the system to his advantage.
1. Dwight’s Beet Farm
Now, hear me out on this one. In its current state, with Mose running around like a creep and forcing the guests to do manual labor, yes, the beet farm will always stay small. But if you look at the recent surge in farm to table eating, local dining, and rustic B&Bs, the Schrute boys are sitting on a goldmine if they play their cards right. Dwight isn’t exactly one to take constructive criticism, but doing some renovation and an overhaul of the available activities would make this the perfect place for city-dwellers to breathe some fresh air and maybe have a bedtime story. Sure, Mose might still be a bit of a weirdo to most people, but he could instead be a charming local curiosity to people who are into oddly themed decor and rustic breakfasts. The possibilities are endless.
