It’s been a while since we last saw Cathy Anne, Cecil Strong’s pink-jacketed, stringy-haired, chain-smoking, tell-it-like-it-is working class hero. Her return couldn’t be better timed. She swung by SNL’s “Weekend Update” right as the partial government shutdown had come to an end, after 800,000 employees had been spent 35 days being stiffed their paychecks, in many cases while still on the job.
And Cathy Anne had a lot to say, motormouthing her way through as many of our nation’s ills as she could cram into three-and-a-half minutes. She started with the man himself.
“Trump wants that wall so bad, you’d think that thing was made of crack,” Cathy Anne said. “He’s an addict and I would know.” She added, “If his addiction’s anything like mine, it’s far from over. He’s gonna lie to ya, he’s going to steal from your purse, and he’s gonna end up on the wrong side of a lot of glory holes till he gets his wall.”
Cathy Anne went on to mock the idea that a wall could stop anything, all while throwing in absurdist non-sequiturs about invading penguins and hostage situations at Arby’s bathrooms and the urban legend that claims Marilyn Manson had two ribs removed because he wanted to…well, treat himself. “Spoiler alert, it don’t work, you can’t reach,” Cathy Anne reported.
Oh, but Cathy Anne was talking about the shutdown, and the biggest reason for it: all those people in Mexico demonized when he kickstarted his presidential campaign three hundred years ago.
“Mexico ain’t the reason for dopioids,” Cathy Anne said. “We get them from doctors and pharmaceuticals stuffed up people’s butts in airports. Now who’s gonna check them butts when the TSA is calling in sick because you haven’t paid them in five weeks?”
She ended by complaining about one of Trump’s attempted distractions that are also legitimately destructive: his plan to restrict trans soldiers from service. “You’re gonna mess with our military and keep them from serving, just because you decided they ain’t got the right private parts,” Cathy Anne went off. “Well, let me tell you something: No one’s ever been thrilled with my private parts. That’s never stopped me from fighting.”