‘SNL’ Joe Biden Has A Message For ‘Red State Types’ Ahead Of The Midterms: I Got You Broadband Internet So You Could ’Share Your Paul Pelosi Gay Erotic Fiction At Light Speed’

The midterm elections are just days away, and in many key races it’s the Republican candidates like Herschel Walker, Kari Lake, and Dr. Oz who are nabbing the bulk of the headlines — though typically for all the wrong reasons. Still, given what’s at stake for the future of American democracy should (m)any of the election deniers currently running for office on the Republican ticket actually win their races, there’s nothing wrong with wishing the Dems had found a few more solid-but-memorable candidates to run in 2022 — which was the topic of last night’s SNL cold open.

James Austin Johnson’s Joe Biden lamented the fact that “the Democrats’ message just isn’t getting through,” though he promised that he’s “trying like hell… I’m on the Peloton every morning, tempting fate.” The SNL president also wanted to remind everyone that he “passed that big-ass infrastructure bill, remember that? $65 billion dollars! A lot of you Red State types finally got broadband internet so you can share your Paul Pelosi gay erotic fiction at light speed. Which, by the way: You right-wingers sure do love thinking about these gay little scenarios. Kind of sus.”

Biden seemed to be more upset by all the attention his former boss Barack Obama has been getting since hitting the campaign trail, with people commenting on how “hot” the former president looks. “How do you think that makes me feel?,” Johnson’s Biden asked, before suggesting that people should “go ahead and Google ‘young Joe Biden,’ and start a bubble bath.” (He’s not wrong.)

While it may be too little too late, he then brought out a parade of could’ve-been contenders for various positions within the Democratic party who certainly would have stirred up more excitement, and been the answer to the Dem’s probably of “too many Raphael Warnocks and not enough Herschel Walkers.”

For Californians who are tired of Adam Schiff, Chloe Fineman gave Marianne Williamson, “who loves a good crystal,” the comeback no one was expecting. “As a prominent author and Level 4 Enchantress, I am ready to fight for the American Dream,” she explained.

In Pennsylvania, “unlike Dr. Oz,” Johnson’s Biden proposed a candidate who actually has some political experience: celebrity chef Guy Fieri, played by Molly Kearney, who has served as “the mayor of Flavortown for over 20 years.” Kearney, decked out in Fieri’s signature dyed tips and flame-embossed shirt, asked whether “you all want Dr. Oz’s crudité or a full plate of family leave dripping in Donkey Sauce?”

In Michigan, Cecily Strong’s Stormy Daniels is ready to unseat Gretchen Whitmer and may have made the most compelling argument for her candidacy: “I may be a former adult star, currently on season 7 of The Surreal Life, but I’m willing to debase myself and enter U.S. politics.”

Daniels helpfully noted that she “can work with anyone and I’m willing to reach around the aisle to get things done.” When Biden corrected her that the term is to “reach across the aisle,” Daniels replied, “Sure, you do you.”

You can watch the full bit above.