So a lot of people are either new to prison or likely heading there. One of them isn’t the president of the United States, but SNL decided their latest cold open could ditch him for a change. Yes, the person we might have talked about more this week than Donald Trump was Lori Loughlin.
Kate McKinnon did a killer deadpan take on the former Aunt Becky, swinging by a men’s prison (for some reason) to shake things up, impressing/scaring the longtimers, lifers, and new fish with her truly terrifying crimes. “You think that’s crazy?” she asked her new colleagues. “I paid 500 grand to get my daughters into USC.’
McKinnon’s Loughlin dropped Full House lines from other characters (“Cut it out”), bragged that her one daughter, Olivia Jade, is using her allegedly ill-earned college education to be an “influencer,” and informed that them her new name is “Brother Becky,” for she had bribed the prison’s Nation of Islam sect into letting her join their ranks. She was throwing money around, which she partly won by her long résumé.
“You think prison is hard? I’ve done 68 Hallmark movies. See you in hell,” she told them. “And in half of those I married Santa’s son. I’ve lost all sense of reality.”
But perhaps even Lori Loughlin can’t helm a cold open all by herself. She was soon joined by Pete Davidson’s Michael Avenatti, Stormy Daniels’ doomed former lawyer. And then they were visited by Julian Assange, played with a long wizard beard by Michael Keaton — father of episode host Emma Stone’s character in the Oscar-winning Birdman.
“I’m the scourge of the cleaning staff at the Ecuadorian embassy,” he joked, before quoting from Keaton’s 1989 take on Batman: “You wanna get nuts? C’mon, let’s get nuts.”
And lest they forget Tekashi 6ix9ine, by sketch’s end there he was, played by Melissa Villaseñor.
