I believe it was Bobby “Boris” Pickett who summed up Valentine’s Day best when he sang, “From my laboratory in the castle east/To the master bedroom where the vampires feast.” Or something like that. Anyway, Valentine’s Day is a terrible, awful, no good holiday that no one should ever actually look forward to — and yet, it’s been the theme of many great episodes of television, probably because TV writers have lots of date-less time to write them.
With February 14th, as presented by Olive Garden’s Quit Playing Games with Artichoke Heart special, right around the corner, today we look back at lessons learned about love, life, and other “l” words (lascivious?) in episodes that take place ON Valentine’s Day. To once again quote Pickett, “They did the monster mash.” Indeed.
As terrible as candy hearts may taste, they do give good advice.
(Via)
It’s best not to shout “LESBIAN” at friends, strangers, or otherwise…
(Via)
…no matter how badly you want it to happen.
(Via)
Take your partner to the greasiest, most overpriced, least tasty restaurant in town. They’ll love it.
(Via)
If you’re looking for a one-night-stand, your best bet is on February 13th, a.k.a. Desperation Day.
(Via)
Dead-inside advertising directors know everything there is to know about YOUTH.
(Via)
Valentine’s Day is the day for grand speeches, especially to woman who look like Rachel Bilson. It won’t fail.
(Via)
Instead of celebrating holidays (sorry Valentine’s Day, F*CK YOU THANKSGIVING) spend your time coming up with pun names for said holidays. Your family and/or romantic partners will understand.
(Via)
Take your date to New York’s hottest club, BOOOOOOOOOF. Located in an abandoned orphanage in the Lower East Side of Chelsea, this round-the-clock puke party is the creation of narcoleptic club owner Snoozan Lucci, and this place has everything: pugs, geezers, doo-wop groups, a wise old turtle that looks like Quincy Jones…and you’ll have your own When Harry Met Sally moment when you share a special kiss with Gizblow the Coked-Up Gremlin.
(Via)
YOU BEST NOT BE MESSING WITH ANOTHER PERSON’S GUY/GIRL.
(Via)
Valentine’s Day is a holiday created to sell cards and candies, and should be celebrated by no one.
Changing “love” to “wuv” isn’t cute. It’s awful.
As awful as Ross.
(Via)
Love is as a powerful as a knife in the back. Actually, no, only a knife in the back feels like a knife in the back.
(Via)
Love spells should be avoided at all costs, as they will likely have some kind of ironic consequence.
(Via)
So THAT’S why they call it a urine monkey.
Also, record everything — you never know when you’ll need to see someone’s heart break over and over again.
