Here’s a fun experiment. Type in a show name followed by the word “sex” on Google, and see how many results you get. For instance, “game of thrones sex” has 62,900,000, while “californication sex” lags way behind with 4,050,000. I haven’t done “golden girls sex” or “simpsons family guy looney tunes sex” yet, but I’m guessing nothing’s gonna beat True Blood‘s 79,200,000. That’s a ridiculous number, though it makes sense: the sexy sexiness is the best reason to watch the HBO vampire series, which is now in its seventh and final season. Needless to say, there are dozens of sex scenes, but these are the seven most memorable (click on the participants for each entry to watch the NSFW video).
1. Jason Stackhouse and Amy Burley
I wish True Blood hadn’t been my introduction to Lizzy Caplan. She’s great on it, and I like her scenes with Jason and Stephen Root’s character, but I feel weird knowing that the first time I became aware of one of my favorite TV stars wasn’t in Freaks and Geeks or Cloverfield, both of which I’d eventually watch — it was when she V-f*cked in front of a green screen (which reminds me, Masters of Sex could use more green screens). It’s gonna be really awkward when I tell Lizzy that on our first date, which is totally a thing that’s going to happen.
2. Bill Compton and Lorena Krasiki
There are nine million Sookie/Bill tribute videos with some sh*tty Owl City song on YouTube, but no one’s set this scene to “You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)” yet? You disappoint me, Internet.
Michelle Forbes is a wonderful actress who got duped into a bad season of television. Remember the meat tree? I can’t forget it, nor can I wipe away the numerous orgy scenes. It looked like her lawn was filled with thrusting Human Centipedes, and then Tara fell in love with a guy named Eggs and he became a lesbian and what? Anyway, I wonder how many stars Andy Daly would give the orgy scenes.
True Blood isn’t just about attractive straight people having sex — it’s also about Nordic vampires getting revenge on the King of Mississippi by playing chess with his husband, and then killing him while having fierce butt sex. It’s a weird show.
5. Sookie Stackhouse and Bill Compton
It’s a tale of two Sookies. Here she is, having dirty graveyard sex with Bill…
6. Sookie Stackhouse and Eric Northman
…and now she’s dreaming about taking the express train to Moansville with Eric in the middle of the snow-filled woods. Neither are nearly romantic as they sound. No, it’s much better to have relations with your vampire lover somewhere normal, like in your bedroom while your hands are tied up, then you die.
7. Every Jessica scene
Are you still watching True Blood? If so, it’s probably because you’re a TV completest who also couldn’t quit Dexter, or you really like Eric and Jessica. They’re why I’ve stuck around, but as long as they’re parading around in the buff and she’s wearing Little Red Riding Hood costumes and doing IT in the back of a car while a Taylor Swift song plays, I’m not complaining. At least about Jessica.
