‘The Americans’ Anxiety Report: Paige And Mail Robot Are Not Gonna Be Okay

Editor-at-Large
04.05.18 8 Comments

FX

The Americans Anxiety Report is a weekly rundown of the people and things we are currently most worried about on the show. It will get weird, because many of the people and things we will be worrying about will be tools in a plot to ruin America, put in motion by another country. Blame the show for this, not us.

10. Henry (Last week: 9)

There was nothing specific this week to make us worry about Henry. He seems pretty happy off at his school, playing hockey and juggling his fan club and correctly pointing out that his father often sounds/looks like he might leap out a window. No, this is just a baseline anxiety. It will take a lot to bump Henry off this list. I just like him a lot and he seems like a normal kid and I do not want what is happening to Paige to happen to him. We must keep him safe. We must protect Henry at all costs.

9. Oleg (Last week: 1)

Quiet week for Oleg and his cool new beard. One assumes he’s very busy with his urban transport planning class at George Mason. Do you guys think Oleg is a good student? I can’t decide. On one hand, he’s a bright guy and has always been pretty dedicated to whatever task is in front of him, albeit a little loose cannon-y. On the other hand, he always sits with this relaxed cool guy posture like the most popular kid in high school and he did have that sick leather jacket last season, so I could also see him, like, sitting in the back row leaning his chair back on two legs and laughing because the teacher got a chalk outline from the eraser on the butt of his gray pants and doesn’t realize it yet.

We’ll need more information.

8. Mail Robot (Last week: Unranked)

FX

I’ll begin with an apology. I should have put Mail Robot on the list last week. We didn’t see it at all and three years passed between seasons and it wouldn’t have been outlandish to assume that the future had come for our beloved automated inter-office delivery system. I’m not sure how I would have handled it if there was some sleek new version rolling through the halls. I do not think I would have liked it.

And that’s the thing. Mail Robot is probably on borrowed time as it is. It’s 1987, for the love of God. We’ll have to say goodbye for good eventually, on screen or off, and I’m not entirely sure I’m ready for it. Maybe they can send it to a nice farm upstate with lots of room to scoot around and deliver letters to loving families nearby.

7. Stan (Last week: 6)

Stan is happy hunting drug dealers and murderers and I am happy for him. This business with the bickering Russian couriers and their funky bathroom hijinks can’t be good, though, both because their appearance probably means something will go wrong there and because you never want to get in the middle of a bickering couple. Too much stress, no upside.

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